- Happy Hogan: You have five seconds to tell us the Japanese word for goodbye. 1... 2...
- Beauregard Bottomley: Sayonara. Not to be confused with cyanide, which is, of course, goodbye in any language.
- Beauregard Bottomley: If it is noteworthy and rewarding to know that 2 and 2 make 4 to the accompaniment of deafening applause and prizes, then 2 and 2 making 4 will become the top level of learning.
- Burnbridge Waters: I have an idea. I want to find what the average man thinks of it. Then when we've found out what he thinks of it, we'll change his thinking.
- [Burnbridge Waters is attempting to dissuade Beauregard Bottomley from taking his winnings]
- Burnbridge Waters: Oh, don't thank me, Beauregard. Just stay as you are. Walk out of here into the sunshine of a carefree world, wise in the knowledge that I have bestowed on you. For it is my sincere conviction that the only way to be happy is to be poor.
- Beauregard Bottomley: My dear Burnbridge, I see your point. I am about to make you the happiest man in the world.
- Gerald: Does Polly want a cracker?
- Caesar (voice): Polly wants a drink, let's get loaded.*hiccup*
- Gerald: He says the darnest things, doesn't he?
- Caesar (voice): How about a short one, how about a short one?
- Beauregard Bottomley: [to Caesar] You've had your quota for the day. As I told you before, Gerald, neither I nor my sister taught him these expressions. His former master must have been the greatest reprobate since the emperor Nero.
- Gwenn Bottomley: We found him one night leaning up against a lamppost. He couldn't remember where he lived.
- Beauregard Bottomley: He still can't.
- Gwenn Bottomley: Now we have him down to two drinks a day... soon we'll have him down to no drinks a day.
- Caesar (voice): SQUAWK.
- Beauregard Bottomley: Now you have frightened him. Caesar, Caesar...
- Caesar (voice): CHAMPAGNE.
- Beauregard Bottomley: No, no, sorry, you must rough it for a while.
- Happy Hogan: Is there something special about me that you dislike or do you hate me for myself alone?
- Beauregard Bottomley: Oh, I don't hate you Mr. Hogan.
- Gwenn Bottomley: He merely thinks you are the forerunner of intellectual destruction in America.
- Beauregard Bottomley: Yes, nothing personal.
- [Happy Hogan leaves coldly when Gwenn is flirting with him]
- Beauregard Bottomley: You'll never be more spotless, Gwenn. You've been sutterly brushed off.
- Gwenn Bottomley: I think he's quite amusing. Did you notice his wonderful smile?
- Beauregard Bottomley: Did I? I feel I know personally each one of his teeth.
- Gwenn Bottomley: You know my brother thinks you're seeing me in order to get some information about him. I think so too.
- Happy Hogan: In other words, I'm a heel?
- Gwenn Bottomley: Not in other words. Same words.
- Frosty: Gee Mr Bottomley, you sure know a lot.
- Beauregard Bottomley: I not only sure know a lot my dear Frosty, I know everything.
- Happy Hogan: [Referring to his engagement to Bottomley's sister] Aren't you going to wish us good luck?
- Beauregard Bottomley: Well, you're obnoxious but not as obnoxious as I thought you were.
- Beauregard Bottomley: We mustn't be too critical of Gwenn, Caesar. When people fall in love, they often act foolishly.
- [as he pours three large scoops of sugar into a coffee pot and then puts the pot in the refrigerator]
- Burnbridge Waters: Beauregard is looking for perfection in a woman too. Well, my dear friends, I know of such a perfect creature. Her name is Flame O'Neill. She's a corn-fed Mata Hari, her mind is as sharp as a razor's edge. She has everything. Except a heart.
- Burnbridge Waters: I now believe that we have a Frankenstein on our hands, and a very well-informed Frankenstein. He must be stopped!
- [Burnbridge Waters is interviewing Beauregard Bottomley for a job]
- Burnbridge Waters: I am thinking of putting on the market an all-purpose cake of soap that will also be used to clean teeth.
- Beauregard Bottomley: I see, sort of
- [laughs]
- Beauregard Bottomley: sort of foam at the mouth approach, eh?
- [laughs]
- Burnbridge Waters: [not amused at all] You would have started tomorrow morning.
- Beauregard Bottomley: That would have been fine, but aren't we using rather a strange tense - would have?
- Burnbridge Waters: No sir, we are not.
- Burnbridge Waters: I loathe humor and you are humorous.
- Beauregard Bottomley: Well, it was just a pleasantry designed to...
- Executive #2: Mr Waters hates pleasantries, I suppose I should have told you.
- Beauregard Bottomley: Oh, well, I'm sorry to have offended you, Mr Waters; it was unintentional and shan't occur again.
- Burnbridge Waters: How DARE you fall in love on my time. This is dishonest, treacherous and UN-american.
- Beauregard Bottomley: I fail to see why the location of birth should be met with applause.
- Frosty: But she comes from Brooklyn!
- Beauregard Bottomley: If you know everything, you're not wanted around for long and Greek translations don't pay very much.
- Mr. Brown: You know, I may have something here that's right up your intelligent alley.
- Beauregard Bottomley: [on phone in Flame O'Neal's apartment] Miss O'Neal is having Bottomley trouble!
- [Slams down phone]
- Beauregard Bottomley: Yes, mr Brown, I know everything, everything except what is commonly known as how to make a buck.
- Happy Hogan: Hi!
- Beauregard Bottomley: Mr Hogan, you are most unwelcome here.
- Gwenn Bottomley: He's taking lessons.
- Beauregard Bottomley: My dear Happy Hogan, at the last count there was ten thousand, four hundred and eighty-two piano teachers in greater Los Angeles. Your appearance here suggests an ulterior design.
- Gwenn Bottomley: But I think he's really interested in the piano and I'd like us to continue what we started... with the piano.
- Happy Hogan: By the way, you said an Aardvark is an ant eater. Is he also an uncle eater?
- Beauregard Bottomley: Yes, as a matter of fact the Aardvark is an uncle eater but he only eats the uncles of the ants.
- Beauregard Bottomley: I've met Mr. Waters... in a well-upholstered torture chamber where he practices his witchcraft over a bar of soap.
- Executive No. 1: Mr. Waters is not with us. He's concentrating. He's on a higher plane. We must wait.