- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: [Bobby gets thrown out of a psychic office] D'ya learn anything?
- Bobby: Yeah, I learned I can bounce.
- Prof. Quizard: How many hairs are there on the human head?
- Sach: Who's head?
- Prof. Quizard: Why, the average human head.
- Bobby: That leaves YOU out.
- Slip Mahoney: So what happens if we answer de question?
- Prof. Quizard: Well, you know, if you guess right we give you oodles of prizes.
- Slip Mahoney: Oh, dere's "oodles" of prizes. That's different. Think hard, Sach! There might be somethin' in it for us.
- Sach: Well, let's see.
- [Horace scratches his head]
- Prof. Quizard: Oh-oh, no fair counting.
- Sach: Oh, I got the answer. One.
- Prof. Quizard: Oh, no, doctor. There are thousands.
- Sach: Yeah? My Uncle Herman has an average head and he's only got one hair in it.
- Slip Mahoney: We have a little motto around here, ya know. We always get our man, even if it's a woman.
- Gabe 'Gabie': Hey, ya know, my fadda was in de Civil War.
- Chuck: Are you nuts? At the time of de Civil War, your father was an infant.
- Gabe 'Gabie': So, they put 'im in de infantry.
- [everyone laughs]
- Sach: Hey! Hey! I was in de last war. I saved five hundred men.
- Bobby: Yeah? How?
- Sach: Shot the cook.
- [the gang expresses no interest in joining in on The Mahoney Detecting Corporation]
- Slip Mahoney: All right, you boys seem to be overlookin' a little matter of fifty simoleons that I hold here in my right hand. How long have we been in this business?
- Bobby: About five minutes.
- Slip Mahoney: Five minutes, fifty simoleons. How much is that? Ten dollars a minute. Put that ten-dollars-a-minute on a forty-hour-a-week basis and whadda got?
- Sach: Income tax trouble.
- Slip Mahoney: Sach, I'm proud of ya, always defendin' the underdog.
- Sach: Maid was no dog. She was a nice-lookin' chick.
- Slip Mahoney: In order to be a REAL detective you gotta have a deductible mind.
- Slip Mahoney: [tapping his temple] You gotta have the power o' treason.
- Sach: He went in the elevator.
- Bobby: What floor did he stop at?
- Sach: How do I know. I wasn't on it.
- Slip Mahoney: The light. When did the light stop?
- Sach: I think it was five.
- Slip Mahoney: Five?
- Sach: Or the number that comes after five.
- Gabe 'Gabie': Six?
- Sach: Does six come after five?
- Gabe 'Gabie': I t'ink so.
- Sach: Boy, what'll they think o' next? Hey, we're figurin' this thing out like real detectives, ain't we?
- Slip Mahoney: Uh, you'll have to pardon my partner. He always gets a little obstreperous when he sees a woman of the opposite sex.
- Sach: Ehh, you don't know nothing about detecting.
- Slip Mahoney: Oh, I don't? I just happen to know ALL about it, dat's all. Let's take a hypothetical case. There's a moider, you understand? So you go out and grab up a few exhibits, then you go out and get the murderer and the moiderer gets a lawyer. Lawyer brings in a writ of habius corpus and sets the moiderer free, but then you drag in your corpus delecti. Dat's your ace in the hole, so you get your murderer up back again for a retrial. He brings his lawyer wid him and you call in a grand jury, see, and they examine him and the lawyer objects, then they cross-examine him and the lawyer objects, then they indite him and the lawyer objects, so then they hang him.
- Whitey: Gee, he knows detectin' real good, huh?
- Sach: Yeah, I thought i stumped him for a minute.