- Cosmo Topper: My wife objects to drinking.
- George Kerby: Then she shouldn't drink.
- Cosmo Topper: She doesn't.
- George Kerby: What's her objection?
- Cosmo Topper: Can't you even *look* like a human being?
- Wilkins: I don't know, sir, I've never tried.
- Miss Johnson: Good Morning Mrs. Kerby, if you're looking for your husband...
- Marion Kerby: Oh no, I know where he is, in there dumbing up the director's meeting. But if you should happen to see him looking for someone, remind him that it's me, will you? And tell him where I am?
- Marion Kerby: Let's go have some dinner.
- Cosmo Topper: Oh no, we cannot eat on an empty stomach!
- Marion Kerby: Then we better have a few drinks first!
- Marion Kerby: Oh, George, I can see right through you.
- George Kerby: Say, that's funny. I can see through you, too.
- Marion Kerby: [seeing her body lying next to George's beside the car, which has just crashed] George, look. You know something George? I think we're dead.
- George Kerby: I think you're right. Funny; I don't *feel* any different.
- Cosmo Topper: Clara, we used to play together once, and we could again. We could drive up to Lake Placid, just you and I. Stop at a roadhouse, dinner, and dance.
- Mrs. Topper: Drive in that? You're asking me to drive in a car that looks like a painted Jezebel. And drive it to a roadhouse? Why, it'd be like going to the opera in my night gown!
- George Kerby: My pet, resting's the sort of thing you've got to work up to gradually... very dangerous to rest all of a sudden.
- Cosmo Topper: Good morning, Clara.
- Mrs. Topper: Good morning, dear. You're late.
- Cosmo Topper: Oh... better late than never. Only 44 seconds, anyhow.
- Marion Kerby: Why don't you stop being a mummy for a few minutes and come to life? Of course, there's nothing wrong with being a mummy if you had any fun getting that way.
- Cosmo Topper: But I... I didn't, you see.
- Marion Kerby: No, I can tell that by the way you're staring at my knees.
- [George and Marion watch a drunk Topper laying on the floor, passed out]
- Marion Kerby: I don't think he's ever had a drink in his life.
- George Kerby: Poor Topper.
- Marion Kerby: Poor Topper.
- Cosmo Topper: [mutters] Poor Topper.
- George Kerby: You keep out of this.
- Hotel Manager: Perhaps you can explain the red on this cigarette.
- Cosmo Topper: Yes, I... cut my tongue when I was shaving this morning.
- [Topper reading annual report of his bank]
- Cosmo Topper: Bullion abroad and in transit, thirteen million, two hundred and two thousand, eight hundred and fifty-four dollars and no cents.
- George Kerby: No sense.
- Cosmo Topper: I just said that, Mr. Kerby.
- George Kerby: So did I.
- George Kerby: [goes to change Topper's flat tire] Well, I'll be darned if I waste any ectoplasm doing it.
- [turns invisible]
- Cosmo Topper: [to two bewildered onlookers, who've been watching him talk to an invisible Marion] Well, is it *my* fault there's no one here?
- Cosmo Topper: [drunk] Well, that's how I dance. How do you like it?
- George Kerby: [smiles and nods politely] Yes, I thought that was pretty - bad.
- Marion Kerby: [she and George Kerby are invisible to Topper] Toppy doesn't know us, Toppy doesn't know us!
- Cosmo Topper: [to George, referring to his wife] Yes, I'v never - never beaten her.
- [awkwardly]
- Cosmo Topper: Not... yet, I haven't.
- [pauses, then nods to liquor on the table]
- Cosmo Topper: Open the other bottle.
- Casey: [referring to Topper] Did you notice something funny about that guy?
- Elevator Boy: That guy ain't funny, he ain't even human!
- Marion Kerby: [the club owner closes the piano and sits on it to get the Kerbys to leave] Maybe the poor man's tired.
- George Kerby: Oh, I don't know why he should be tired. We did all the singing.
- Cosmo Topper: [speaking to George Kerby about Marian Kerby] Use your influence. If you haven't any, beat her.
- Cosmo Topper: [Changing his mind about refusing a cocktial from Cary Grant] Maybe I do need a drink. Maybe I've needed a drink all these years and haven't known it!