A Karate Christmas Miracle

So I found this mess on Tubi, and I like watching terrible movies from time to time to sharpen my ability to judge better films. My thought process, if you know what the least talented people put on video, then you will have a much better appreciation for what the true professionals can do.

There is utterly nothing professional about this visual abomination.

I usually don't roast the people making the films because they actually have the guts to put something out, but Kenneth Del Vecchio is clearly devoid of talent, capability and sensibility. Gonna take a shot in the dark and say his problematic political leanings plays a role in the farcical nonsense that is his filmography.

Where can we begin? It's like this movie was put together from multiple projects that absolutely fell apart. Not wanting to waste money, he put this nonsense together and passed it off as a movie. I mean, the narrative continuity of Bob Genesis (whew, what a name) is ridiculous. What makes this even more unsettling is Del Vecchio went all "Will Smith" on us and tried to make this movie as some kind of vehicle for his kid. The results are pretty awful as expected. And what the heck is up with this storyline about psychics?

This is just a mess. Make sure your furniture is bolted down because you might knock it over. Plus I'm no martial arts expert, but it looks like the kid is learning jiu jitsu, not karate. Just saying.

I genuinely would have given this movie zero stars if i could. The acting was horrid. The fight scenes were like kindergartners fighting over a toy. VERY UNBELIEVABLE. How could you spend 1.5 million and still end up with this trash. ABSOLUTELY WOULD NOT RECOMMEND.

I don't know why I would have expected anything different.

The first thought I had as I began watching, noting the excruciating heavy-handed gaucheness on display, was to wonder if this was a film from The Asylum. There is no effort to attain the slightest measure of authenticity. "Newspaper clippings" are obviously Microsoft Word documents printed on standard 8.5" by 11" paper. Performances are either direly over the top, with much chewing of scenery - or utterly bored and disinterested, clearly not at all invested in the schlock that is providing the actors' paychecks. There is no middle ground. There is no subtlety to be found at any point, least of all as the screenplay makes astounding leaps across a veritable multiverse of hodgepodge plot ideas that make no sense. If there are connective threads between scenes, characters, or story beats, then they are invisible and intangible.

Then I noted the utterly terrible production values with lighting and image quality so glaring as to nearly be painful to the eyes. And with that, the second thought I had as I began watching was that this is clearly too low-budget, too poorly conceived, and too thoughtlessly rendered to be an Asylum feature. I take one glance at the other pictures with which "Justice for All Productions" has been involved, and I recognize garbage so foul that cockroaches would abstain, and other titles with a premise so plainly dubious that I'm given no reason to think they're any less rotten. Dialogue is tortuous to behold as a viewer, and characters are as thin as split hairs and strain credulity beyond all comprehension. Scene writing and the overall narrative are abhorrent - disjointed, nonsensical, written and executed with no care or mindfulness at all, and obliterating suspension of disbelief. Direction, editing, effects, camerawork, music - nothing here is spared from what may well be the very worst storytelling and film-making I've ever seen.

I wish I could say I were exaggerating. But the third thought I had as I began watching was that the "miracle" we actually need is for this film to be erased from existence - to have never been in the first place. It is wholly putrid, bereft of worth or value. It's the sort of production that makes Eric Roberts seem like a paragon of acting expertise compared to his co-stars, or even compared to the apparent equivalent skill level of the crew, the writers, or the director. It's the sort of production that makes one wish all contributors would be blacklisted and genuinely forbidden from ever having a hand in cinema ever again.

And I had all these thoughts within only the first 10 minutes. It only ever got worse.

To call 'A karate Christmas miracle' an abomination is probably a disservice to other miscellanea that may share the word or its derivatives in their name (e.g. 'The abominable Dr. Phibes,' "the Abominable Snowman," or Bill Nighy's delivery of the word "abomination" in the 2003 action-horror film 'Underworld'). I can think of no pejoratives with which to describe this title that wouldn't in the same breath, by association, insult something else described with the same word. I've seen too many movies that quickly impressed as below the bottom of the barrel of cinematic putrescence, and still this somehow manages to dig deeper still. There is no reason to watch this - there never has been, and there never will be.

Anyone who makes the unfortunate mistake of watching 'A karate Christmas miracle' should be generously compensated for the arduous labor of the experience. The fact that such a transaction will never happen certainly cements the fact that this should never be viewed by anyone.

I loved it. The majority of all movies are bad. This is truly the bottom of the barrel.

It looks like a low budget Christian film that has been reedited with weird effects for a YouTube video. I honestly cannot believe the effects were supposed to look good. I would wager that the editors knew exactly what they were doing... Maybe.

Every aspect of this movie is garbage. From the opening hobby drone shot that was considerably shaky and grainy from low light, to random cuts to very similar shots, to characters that make you want to punch a wall. (In lieu of their face.)

Bad movies are fun to laugh at, this movie is hilarious.

My new favorite Christmas movie, and a soon to be tradition of watching every year.

This is not a movie.

It's pure insanity, worthy of any group get-together. No one would believe you if you watched this by yourself. If you tried, it would sound MAYBE something like this:

This is seven, maybe seven "movies" put together through a fax machine, that set the fax machine on fire, and THEN, after whomever doused it with as much kerosene & jet fuel as possible to TRY and put it out... that nameless person (or people) thought to themselves, "... ya, this can work."

You want a good laugh? You want to lose your mind in the process? AND you want some Christmas flair added to it, that truly has nothing to do with anything?

Well say no more!

And even AFTER explaining all of that - you blink, then immediately realizing you have no friends (possibly because they all left in the process and/or didn't want to have an aneurism in front of you) and you lost your shoes. Don't ask. You did this to yourself.