- Hurk: [about Peaches the cougar] Aww man, I just smoked the last of my catnip, otherwise I'd have given it to her. Does she like weed? I got some weed.
- John Seed: [John Seed's introduction to the player on the Cult's TV broadcast] If you're watching this, know that you have been selected. You will be cleansed. You will confess your sins, and you will will be offered atonement. Don't worry, you don't have to do anything. We'll come for you. Welcome to Eden's Gate.
- Jess Black: *As a commercial advertisement jingle would go* Dodd's Dumps. Come dump your crap on us.
- Federal Marshall: [Marshal Burke is reading Joseph seed's arrest warrant to him] Joseph Seed! I have a warrant for your arrest on the suspicion of kidnapping with the intent to harm! Now, I want you to step forward and keep your hands where I can see 'em!
- Pastor Jerome Jeffries: Woe to the man who leads my flock astray. For if I am not their shepherd... then I must be the wolf.
- Adelaide Drubman: And if you hurt one hair on my beautiful trophy boy's head, I'm gonna put my foot so far up your turkey ass, instead of, "A-MEN," you're gonna be sayin', "A-DIDAS!"