Tubarões no Rio Mississipi

Right, well we all know what we are in for when we sit down to watch a movie such as "Mississippi River Sharks". I mean, just look at the DVD cover and you already know what it is going to be like.

But still, there is that little voice at the far, far back of your mind that beckons and compels you to sit down and watch it, on the slightest of hopes that this might actually turn out to be a good shark movie.

It wasn't!

"Mississippi River Sharks" was impeded by an overly predictable storyline, which was, in fact, so predictable that even a blind and deaf person would be able to foresee what would happen next. Yep, it was that predictable. And that meant that there were absolutely no surprises or twists or turns along the progression of the movie.

The CGI effects in "Mississippi River Sharks" was downright abysmal and laughable at best. Not once did they manage to make it look realistic, and that just made it impossible to take it the least bit serious.

For a movie in the killer shark genre, or whatever you classify the shark movies as, then "Mississippi River Sharks" was a very generic and mundane addition to the genre, and it offered absolutely nothing new to the genre.

The cast was adequate, taking into consideration the type of movie and its budget size. You had Jason London and Jeremy London in the movie, which should be enough of an indicator of what you are in for here.

If you enjoy shark movies, then I strongly suggest that you sink your jaws, wink wink, into another movie, because "Mississippi River Sharks" is really not worth the time or effort.

RELEASED TO TV IN 2017 and directed by Misty Talley, "Mississippi River Sharks" details events in Mississippi when several sharks travel up the river looking for a new food source and threaten people at a fish rodeo.

Some of these TV shark-attack flicks take the serious route (e.g. 2009's "Malibu Shark Attack") while others shoot for campy amusement (e.g. 2012's "Jersey Shore Shark Attack). "Mississippi River Sharks" takes the latter approach. Thankfully, it's not all goofy; there's some serious drama thrown into the mix, like the blossoming romance between Tara (Cassie Steele) and the black dude (Tahj Vaughans), as well as issues with her dad (Miles Doleac). Jason London plays himself as the star of the fictitious B-movie franchise "Shark Bite," although he wasn't in "Shark Bite 3" (lol).

The meshing of silly comedy and cartoony gore with serious drama offers a mixed experience. It's entertaining to a degree, but you can't take it serious. The presence of Cassie Steele and cutie Ashton Leigh (in the prologue & epilogue) are never milked for their potential. The movie's likable, but overlong at only about 87 minutes. The weak final act drags.

THE MOVIE WAS SHOT IN Ocean Springs, Mississippi, with studio work done in New Orleans. WRITER: Marcy Holland. ADDITIONAL CAST: Dean J. West plays one of the three main protagonists while Michelle West appears as a pesky, but perky reporter.

GRADE: C

Watched 'Mississippi River Sharks' with the hope of a welcome distraction from a period of low moods and some campy guilty pleasure fun. Having seen so many low-budget shark films that were really bad or worse, even when taking it for what they were trying to be, there was apprehension in the air.

Before anybody gets defensive, am well aware that films like 'Mississippi River Sharks' are not ones to be taken seriously, have been well versed enough seeing previous low-budget efforts to not expect that. Have seen my fair share of low-budget shark films, and any other kind of low-budget creature film, and will admit to finding some guilty fun in some of them (i.e. the first two 'Sharknado' films). There are far worse shark films certainly, many seen recently.

'Mississippi River Sharks' at least has occasional splashes of fun and some semi-decent scenery. There is also far worse acting in other low-budget shark films, not that that is saying much, Cassie Steele in particular tries hard.

Due to that the acting largely is pretty poor, with the usual mix of overplaying and blandness. Any few attempts to develop the characters results in padded and pointless scenes, development is at best flimsy and it's all overwrought and does little to make the characters endearing or care or learn enough about them.

The execution of almost everything is severely underwhelming, not just being visually cheap and poorly acted and written even worse but what seemed like a decent, if very generic, idea was executed in fashion typical of too many killer shark films made on a low budget, with no imagination whatsoever and only occasional splashes of fun.

Faring worse are the production values, story and writing. 'Mississippi River Sharks', aside from the scenery, is drably shot and sloppily edited, but it's the truly abysmal special effects that are the worst. As the sharks were made on a low-budget it would have been forgiven a little if it was not great, but when the effects for the sharks look as if no effort was given in making them without looking so goofy and unfinished-looking that is hard to ignore or forgive.

Can say no better about the portrayal of the sharks either. They exude little personality either, no menace, not even any unintentional goofiness. Generally the attack scenes, apart from the odd mild amusement, are sloppily edited, too brief and devoid of suspense or sense of horror, complete with overused cartoonish gore that looks cheap and used gratuitously.

Writing ranges between incredibly bad to appalling. Any comedy is incredibly forced and is so cheesy it is enough to make the eyes roll in disbelief, while the more serious moments are very awkwardly written, melodramatic and as trite as anybody can possibly go. The silliness goes well overboard as the film progresses and it becomes intelligence insulting even when one tries to take it for what it's trying to be. Particularly in the final act which also drags hard and feels longer than it should be

Really wanted to like the story here because the concept was intriguing slightly, but while it starts nicely the further the movie progresses the lazier, cheesier and more formulaic it gets, also making the mistake that most low-budget shark films make of trying so hard to be over the top and stupid but in a painfully predictable and less than fresh way that it becomes tiresome. The stupidity gets stale quickly and the film is lethargic generally in pace as a result of stretching the film out for too long a length for such a slight story.

Altogether, have seen worse but poorly done. 3/10 Bethany Cox

Watching Mississippi River Shark is like subjecting yourself to the worst kind of cinematic torture. The movie's budget must have been no more than a few dollars, because the special effects are laughably awful. The sharks look like something straight out of a cheap video game from the early 2000s, and they barely move in any way that resembles real life. The acting is so wooden that I wouldn't be surprised if they cast random people off the street.

The plot? Don't even bother trying to make sense of it. It's as if the writers didn't care about making anything even remotely believable. Sharks in the Mississippi River? Really? Everyone involved in this movie seems to have completely given up on logic or quality. It's an embarrassing attempt at a creature feature that fails on every level. Save yourself the headache and skip this disaster.

While not amazing for script, acting or effects....it's fun no thought movie... enjoyable popcorn film. Don't expect jaws or even deep blue sea level quality...no high expectations.