On behalf of me and everyone who agrees with this review, to all of the fallen comrades who had to sit through this nightmare either due to the disastrous PR, for the sake of writing a review, or because your kids dragged you to it, we salute you!
"Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" and its long-lasting impact can't be understated. The classic launched Disney as the animation giant we know today while being the first feature-length animated feature in film history. It's also an immensely charming, simple, yet incredible delight that earned its legacy and then some. It's a shame that Adriana Caselotti, the titular Snow White, was uncredited in this and her other roles. Her name deserves to be associated with the character for her legendary and unforgettable performance. I'd highly recommend seeing in favor of this occasionally colorful yet predictably dull and extremely tedious extravaganza.
Let me get the positives out of the way so I don't forget to mention them.
First, the CGI was stunning. There were no poor moments of CGI, and the dwarfs weren't as distracting as I thought they'd be.
Next, two songs were catchy and easily the best of the entire film, one original and one from the 1937 version. The "Heigh-Ho" sequence is translated wonderfully into live-action, with slightly different lyrics and an enormous mine setting to play with. The only close to the magnificent original song, despite not having the same visual flare and advantage as "Heigh-Ho," is "Waiting On A Wish." I thought Rachel Zegler's vocal delivery and the instrumentals go a long way to making the song memorable and very catchy.
Finally, if not ironically, the only actor to shine out of the entire cast, despite her insulting comments on the animated interpretation (the main reason I decided to watch this remake), is Rachel Zegler. While the writing doesn't do her character any favors, Zegler's performance as Snow White never ceases to be powerful, especially in the singing department.
Unfortunately and intensely frustratingly, those three positives can't even come close to saving the increasingly abundant flaws throughout the entire experience.
Primarily, Erin Cressida Wilson's screenplay doesn't give any character that much to do. Snow White is the closest to having any depth, thanks to Zegler, but the rest of the characters are painfully forgettable. Additionally, Wilson's work relies on filler rather than anything meaningful. I'm sure she's talented, but none of her talent is present here.
Said script doesn't make the 1-hour and 49-minute runtime any less woeful. Fine momentum shows itself exclusively within the first forty minutes but then loses itself in the filler. About thirty minutes before its dissatisfying ending, my main desire was to leave. "Snow White" is the second film this year where I've had that feeling.
Speaking of which, the ending is plain bad. It strays heavily from the original for the worse, with a stupid final confrontation between Snow White and the Evil Queen. My only spark of misplaced hope once the boredom set in was for the finale to be entertaining, but it wasn't.
Although "Heigh-Ho" and "Waiting On A Wish" were enjoyable songs, the rest ranged from forgettable to terrible. They only brought "Heigh-Ho" and "Whistle While You Work" over from the original, the latter being a disappointing re-do. The rest were new compositions, and they're all bland. The two that stand out as particularly awful are "All Is Fair" and "Princess Problems." I'll return to "All Is Fair" in a second, but "Princess Problems" was one of the worst songs I've heard in film. No offense to Zegler and Andrew Burnap, but their vocal delivery can't save a piece that nobody will listen to outside of watching this film - if this review hasn't convinced you to skip it yet.
Following this, Gal Gadot was unsurprisingly miscast as the Evil Queen. She's by all accounts a talented actress, so it amazes me how, regardless of the evident fun she's having playing the part, none of that charisma or energy translates to the screen. Furthermore, while she tries, her singing is not up to par with the rest of the game cast, in my opinion. Gadot's underwhelming vocal delivery let down "All Is Fair" and its reprise to an unbelievable degree. I hate being this harsh to her performance, and I like her as an actress, but this was not a project that gave her much to work with.
Lastly, where's the Disney magic? I haven't seen it for years. I want it back! None of the new characters were charming, while they removed one of my favorite aspects from the 1937 original: the emphasis on the animal's expressions. The tortoise only gets one close-up shot in the entire thing, while Snow White doesn't interact with any animal outside of the first fifteen minutes. The scene where the animals guide Snow White to the dwarves' home is dialogue-free here, and the seven lack charm past their first meeting with Snow White. These scenes wouldn't been better left unchanged, at the very least. It's a Disney live-action remake; it's what they could've done!
Overall, as much as I don't want to agree with this statement, "Snow White" was doomed to fail. My hope that it'd be startlingly decent, even great, was squandered by the film's execution. I thought "Mufasa: The Lion King" was far from horrible, but this remake is the best sign that Disney should stop making these live-action remakes. They won't quit because they make money either way. I want "Mission: Impossible - The Final Reckoning" to pull through and make more than "Lilo & Stitch," which opens the same weekend, but the track record indicates the next potential Barbenheimer. Whatever: families will likely pay to see it, while moviegoers and critics like me question why they wasted their time. Now that my opinion is massive dislike, the best reason is to review it.
Technically, the screenplay, the acting, and the music underdeliver. However, the CGI, Marc Webb's okay directing, and Mandy Walker's inconsistent yet sometimes beautiful cinematography make the technical score a 7/10, and I'm a bit too generous with that score.
The enjoyment score is a far cry from the technical score. It may differ depending on who you are, but as a person who often watches films and likes not to be begging for one to end, by default, this is the worst movie I have gone to the theaters for yet. Younger audiences will have the highest chance of getting, at the very least, a 7/10 experience, but I can't say anyone outside of that group will have the same luxury. For me, the enjoyment score is a 3/10. It was astonishingly monotonous, and you should try to avoid it. If you want a song to listen to, catch "Waiting On A Wish" on Amazon, Apple, or Spotify. If you're curious, wait until Disney+. If you have no choice, bring coffee or watch "The Day the Earth Blew Up: A Looney Tunes Movie" instead. It's the least you can do for yourself.
