- HandUnit: We have gift baskets containing fruit, nuts, flowers, and of course the ever-popular cash basket. Using the keypad below, please enter the first few letters of the gift basket you would like. It seems that you had some trouble with the keypad. I see what you were trying to type and I will autocorrect it for you. Thank you for selecting "Exotic Butters."
- HandUnit: Please enter your name as seen above the keypad. This cannot be changed later, so please be careful. It seems that you had some trouble with the keypad. I see what you were trying to type and I will autocorrect it for you. Welcome, Eggs Benedict.
- HandUnit: Using the keypad below please type the first few letters of the musical selection you would prefer. It seems that you had some trouble with the keypad. I see what you were trying to type and I will autocorrect it for you. Thank you for selecting "Casual Bongos."
- Angsty Teen: Funny story. A dead body was found in this air vent once... Well, it's not funny, but, it's a story.
- HandUnit: Using the keypad below, please select a new companion voice... It seems that you had some trouble with the keypad. I see what you were trying to type and I will autocorrect it for you. Thank you for choosing "Angsty Teen."
- Vlad: Clara, I am tell you: the baby isn't mine!
- Clara: Count, I'm tell you that it is! You're the only vampire I've ever loved. And the baby turns his bottles into powdered milk.
- Vlad: That doesn't mean anything.
- Clara: He sleeps on the ceiling fan.
- Vlad: Upright or upside down?
- Clara: What does it matter? You need to be part of your son's life!
- Vlad: I am an old man, Clara. I can't be a father.
- Clara: Well, at least pay your child support, you DEADBEAT!
- Vlad: Clara, it's not my baby.
- Bidybabs: Vlad, you SUCK!
- Vlad: Wait, was that a vampire joke? That was so lame, Clara. Like I haven't heard that a million times.
- Bidybabs: Okay, well how's this? I'm taking the car!
- Vlad: The joke's on you! It's a rental!
- Bidybabs: Well, the joke's on YOU! I set the thermostat to 90 before I left.
- Vlad: Good! I like it warm!
- Bidybabs: GOOD! Because I also SET THE HOUSE ON FIRE!
- Vlad: Clara, the baby isn't mine!
- Clara: It is, Vlad! They had trouble catching him in the nursery today.
- Vlad: So what? Lots of kids get hyper and run around and stuff.
- Clara: They knock him out of the air with a broom!
- Vlad: I have to go.
- Clara: They're going to dock your paychecks.
- Vlad: They can't do that. I'm a vampire. I don't get paychecks.
- Clara: You work the graveyard shift at the Fry Me Taco! DON'T LIE TO ME!
- Vlad: YOU BURNT DOWN MY HOUSE?
- Clara: You call that a house? It was like a MORGUE in there!
- Vlad: I may be undead, but you're heartless!
- Clara: You need to see your son!
- Vlad: The baby isn't mine!
- Clara: HE ATE THE CAT!
- Vlad: Sounds like something he got from YOUR side of the family.
- Clara: Well, how's this? I'm keeping the diamond ring.
- Vlad: The joke's on you! I found it in a kid's meal!
- Clara: [touched] You bought a kid's meal? Oh, Vlad!
- Vlad: Clara!
- Vlad, Clara: [they smooch loudly]