Sharkenstein

Oh dear what a total piece of crap this movie is, the special efffects out of a child's paper mache lesson! The shark was so badly made it was comical a rating of 0 if I could rate it that. The actors were awful it was a pain to watch them, how this got to dvd is a laugh it needs to be binned along with mr paper mache shark.

I decided to give it a go, thinking it was going to be just another SYFY channel film that's cheesy but watchable, how the hell this got 3.7 stars is beyond me, I'd rather watch the contents of my daughters nappy. Unlike things like the "Mega Shark" films this has no redeeming qualities at all. It's filled with anachronisms like someone wearing Adidas trainers in 1942 among other things and the CGI was probably done on something like a commodore 64. Worse than the "special effects" is the acting. Seriously, it stinks so badly that I couldn't bear it any longer and turned off after 5 minutes. If you're thinking of watching this, save yourself the aggro. Any time you spend watching this rubbish is time you will never get back.

Of course there's bad acting and terrible cgi, what would you expect? I didn't expect one of the 3 kids to have gray hair, wearing his hat sideways to appear young and another to be a stripper in a one piece bathing suit acting like an intellectual prude. That helped distract me from the lack of story and action. There is a giant plot hole that I won't mention because I don't want to spoil it but over all it's exactly what you would expect from a movie with this name. I'm not sure why they say it's a comedy but I did laugh once.

Where do I begin? First of all, there is an attractive and capable female lead (Greta Volkova) and her hunky friend Coop (Titus Himmelberger). Then there's a third wheel named Skip who seems out of place. Oh, and our "hero" is named Duke. And then there's a shark. Not just any shark. But "Sharkenstein," which is exactly what you think it is. Frankenstein's brain transplanted into a shark. Clever, huh? Sharkenstein features lots of stock footage, tons of aerial footage of beaches, aimless shots of a lifeguard with his back to the camera, lots of white men with hairy forearms, and a posse with guns running through trees sporting fall foliage. Only director Mark Polonia would call this a movie. And he appears uncredited as the mute driver of a boat (did he have to pay himself less for not speaking?). His character's name, Hoskins, is mentioned more times than any of the four principals. Oh, and our director/editor must have run short of Wild Eye Releasing's requisite 70 minute running time, because there is a completely random scene of a long-in-the-tooth "model" getting photographed. The scene is completely unrelated to the rest of the "movie." It appears to be inserted to pad out the running time. The mercifully short running time.

I've seen TERRIBLE movies. Extreme emphasis on terrible. I need to wash my eyes out after this. It was five minutes in and I already had so much criticism about it. This looks like it was edited by a baby. 1. Submarines don't just go down directly, they submerge slowly. 2. Water doesn't look like that. 3. Props are terrible. 4. The acting makes me want to barf. 5. The camera is shaking. 6. Last but certainly not least the clothing, makeup, and hair is terrible? Who dressed them? The undead? I can see why they call it a comedy. I CACKLED at everything terrible. Can't see why it was a horror though. I'm 13 and I can act WAY better than them. The actors need YEARS of classes. The transitions were horrible as well.