Black Wake

Never ceases to amaze me that so much effort and money can be poured into a film for so little. I find it surprising also that Julia Roberts brother and Tom Sizemore are in this. Just goes to show they have no idea until the end of filming what the result will be, maybe they don't care. Best part of this film is the out takes at the end.

I don't know why my local library stocked this, according to IMDB, hardly anybody has seen it, and I can see why. I don't how to review this total mess of a movie, so I'll just give you a few things that happen, and it is a found footage movie. First of all, the stars Eric Roberts has less than two minutes in the movie, and Tom Sizemore, has less than 3 minutes at the most. Some invading giant parasite has appeared in the Atlantic Ocean, and sends out these little parasites, that either causes peoples head to explode, or the people become zombies. The whole movie is told to us, from a lady that has viewed the tapes, and some kind of book that explains it all, but we, the audience gets no clue what it says. that's enough, the movie makes zero sense, the acting is horrible, and I have no idea where the writers ever got the idea to make this piece of crap. I would really like to know, if anybody else was silly enough to watch this. As I said, it didn't cost me anything, but anybody that borrows it from the library, is going to ask WTF. anyway, 1/5 and that one is for some of the practical effects that were not that bad. Stay way way clear of this trash....

All I can think is "Oh Hai, Mark!" What starts out as a horribly, terribly acted movie soon turns into an embarassing mess of writing, acting, directing and unintentional butchering of the english language.

But stick with it and you'll see some of the worst cinema you'll see in ages. It's worth it for the laughs! The main, terrible, actress (Nana) talks into a (web?) camera throughout the movie as a narrator of sorts. The camera is mounted above her forehead and she has to look up at it with her twisted smile, terrible acting, awful pronunciation and a psycho look in her eyes. It all seems intentionally comical, but -- its not. It's super serious and it's super super bad.

The writing - oh wow - there are so many terrible quotes of cringe and nonsense, you'll feel like you're drunk trying to follow the dialogue. Just listen to it.. and it's really (unintentionally) funny-bad. Unlike tongue-in-cheek movies like the Sharknado series, this movie thinks its a seriously good flick, and it's hilarious to watch it try to pretend that it's an actual movie.

It tries to be a found footage film in a lot of the scenes, but it often raises the question : "Who is filming this? Where did the camera to film that come from??" Its so poorly thought out, its awesome-bad.

No it's not Tommy Wiseau bad, but it's pretty damn close. The main actress is worth it just to see how bad she is trying to be good.

It's still worth a 1/10 - but if you watch it just to enjoy its worst-in-class acting and its worst-in-class dialogue, you certainly will get some laughs and some groans. Just don't think it's serious.. and you might want to stream it so you can move the slider to give yourself a bit of break from having to watch the whole thing.

I just know that my brain now hurts and I don't think my eyes will ever forgive me.

Nana is married to Carlos Keyes, who wrote this movie for her. Period. But, she's beautiful!