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The things that make me angry still make me angry. George Carlin is 67, and he's still as funny as he's ever been, and he's still angry. And that makes me feel good, because I feel like if I stick around long enough, I'll still be able to work.

Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: "I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing."

My biggest regret in life is that I didn't hit John Denver in the mouth while I had the chance.

There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid.

Why hate someone for the color of their skin when there are much better reasons to hate them?

Most movies suck, even the independent ones. Hollywood is like baseball: Hit three good ones out of 10 and you're a Hall of Famer. I don't think like those guys who say, "I'm hot again, so I've got to get back into a big movie."

I bought my daughter a Chihuahua and I fell in love with it. So now I carry Coco around with me all the time.

Jon Stewart is exactly the same guy he's always been, only with money. He knows that the moment he really believes he's important, the funny goes away and he becomes Bill O'Reilly, except shorter and Jewish.

We live in a country where Rosa Parks had the courage and conviction to sit down long enough to start a revolution that lead to Al Sharpton screaming racism every time Barry Bonds gets indicted for taking performance enhancing drugs in order to break a home run record set by a black man who didn't even have the benefit of Advil.

Keith Richards is telling the kids not to do drugs? We can't do drugs, Keith, because you already took them all! We have to wait for you to die, and smoke your ashes!