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Just because you didn’t watch nine hours of football yesterday — or even nine seconds — is no excuse not to be prepared for the inevitable Monday-morning pigskin smalltalk in the office elevator, at the coffee machine, or heaven forbid, in some cheap motel room where you just woke up spooning with Steve Martin. (“See that Bears game last week?” “Yeah. Hell of a game. Hell of a game.” “Bears got a great team this year. They’re gonna go all the way.”)

Fortunately, there are always a few insightful deflective remarks that will prove your all-American couch-potato bona fides to...

Cowboys 27, Texans 13 Any idea if I can exchange my ticket on the Texans bandwagon for a transfer on the “Cowboys Aren’t Done Yet” bandwagon? Or is that only during off-peak? Cardinals 24, Raiders 23 The highest-paid kicker in NFL history missed a 32-yard field goal as time expired to cost the Raiders the game, finally giving Raiders fans something to be upset about this decade. With every loss, Tom Cable keeps looking more and more like a gangster from a Guy Ritchie movie: Steelers 38, Buccaneers 13 The Steelers moved to 3-0 on a surprisingly solid performance by (4th-string) backup Qb Charlie Batch, though the announcers never explained the white substance on his nose during this sideline celebration: Sunblock? Or were the teams wearing their 80s-throwback sidelines? Titans 29, Giants 10 This game was a total mess, with the Giants turning the ball over approximately 15 times inside the Red Zone. Number of “Appalled Tom Coughlin” Reaction Shots during this broadcast?...