Quotes

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

Tell us your phobias, and we'll tell you what you are afraid of.

Every boy should have a dog, for a dog teaches a boy three valuable traits: fidelity, perseverance and to turn around three times before lying down.

In America there are two classes of travel - First Class, and with children. Traveling with children corresponds roughly to traveling third class in Bulgaria.

In Milwaukee last month a man died laughing over one of his own jokes. That's what makes it so tough for us outsiders: we have to fight home competition.

There is no such place as Budapest. Perhaps you are thinking of Bucharest . . . and there is no such place as Bucharest, either.

It took me 15 years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony.

The only real cure for a hangover is death.

If you'll excuse me, I'd like to get out of these wet things and into a dry martini.

[after seeing Paramount on Parade (1930)] It ran less than two hours but I came out of the theater several years older.

There is something about saying 'Okay' and hanging up the receiver with a bang that kids a man into feeling that he has just pulled off a big deal, even if he has only called up central to find out the correct time.