dahmkiavelli

There's an old saying that goes, "If a movie is made called Road Rage, starring Casper Van Dien, and I watch it twice.....how come I'm still breathing?" Well for the longest time, I was plagued by that old proverb. So you can imagine my relief when a search for said movie on this very website came up empty. I began to wonder, "If this movie didn't exist, then why do I have distinct memories of watching it twice and spending 5 bucks for it at Wal-mart?" The only reasonable explanation was that maybe I had witnessed some awful thing...like a bizarre race featuring a crazed Halle Berry flying down the road in reverse leaving a bloody trail of pedestrians in her wake, only to receive an Oscar when she crossed the finish line. Something this awful might have triggered my brain into creating the movie, Road Rage, so as to numb my body to the pain of reality. I left the computer feeling somewhat relieved that I hadn't wasted 5 bucks. This was short-lived however, because just then there was a knock on the door. I opened it only to find a very large basket with a sound asleep Casper Van Dien inside. There was a note attached, which basically said that since I had seen Road Rage twice AND bought it, that somehow I had agreed to adopt Casper Van Dien and raise him as my own. My heart sank with this realization that not only did Road Rage exist, but that I had basically bought Casper Van Dien and overpaid by about $4.37. So basically what I'm trying to say is never ever watch or buy Road Rage (or A Friday Night Date, as I was later told by Casper Van Dien was the alternate title), unless you want to spend the rest of your days discussing how "Shark Attack" and "Python" are truly great and misunderstood films, with a sad and bitter little man.

Ummm, I'm not sure why I watched this movie when I saw that it was on TV. I wish I could say that I was on something, but the only thing that I can think of is that maybe I was being tested...tested by the devil. I say this, because this movie has the eerie power of causing epileptic fits. For instance, during one of the crazy action sequences, where the camera dances around pretending to follow something and just when you think it might settle down, it cuts to some completely different random scene; well, I became extremely nauseous and passed out. The next thing I know, I'm in some hellish-looking rollerball ring surrounded by fire and rollerblading-demons. I can hear the intro to LL Cool J's, "I'm Gonna Knock You Out" blasting away on some endless loop and then WHAM!, out of nowhere I get whacked in the back of the head with a rollerball. As I look up dazed, I can make out two of the roller-demons standing over me. The odd thing is that they are spitting images of Chris Klein and LL Cool J....if they were in demon-form. They were laughing maniacally and saying, "Cha-ching!", and thats when I noticed that my wallet was missing. I think I only had like 3 bucks in there, but you couldn't tell that by seeing how Chris Klein-demon and LL Cool J-demon were carrying on. At any rate I awoke a few seconds later on my living room floor. The movie had gone off and I seemed to be no worse for wear. So anyway, to make a long story short, I lost 3 bucks and I think that I might be pregnant with Chris Klein's demon-baby? However, I only had to actually watch a few minutes of Rollerball. So technically, I won.

Despite popular belief, Cold Harvest is not a "great action movie". I think it's even a stretch to call it a movie. I think it is better classified as a form of cancer. Now I am in no way an expert on Cold Harvest. Seeing as maybe 20-30 minutes into the movie I sort of zoned out. My roommates found me on the floor in a tight little ball shivering. I was supposedly mumbling incoherently and they said my eyes had a look of just deep shame and hurt. Anyways, over time my memory has healed and i vaguely remember parts of this lame post-apocalyptic/kung-fu/sci-fi/western. That right there should be reason enough not to see it. As far as I can tell the creators of this awful movie traveled far and wide looking for the worst possible cast and crew that they could assemble. Here's a possible scenario:

Producer: "Hey, dirty naked homeless guy, we're doing a movie and we're looking for a (enter any movie job here). Are you interested?"

Dirty Naked Homeless Guy: "Can I bring my friend?" (pointing to soiled towel on ground)

Producer: "Sure, We'll need a good (enter other movie job here)."

Well, maybe that's not totally true. I think the movie might have been better had they hired a few naked homeless guys...but they didn't. Anyways, if you choose to ignore my warning and watch this movie, just remember the old saying: Everytime someone watches Cold Harvest, a baby gets punched in the stomach.