bruceleroy

Robert Rodriguez needs to realize that chocolate cake doesn't necessarily need chocolate ice cream, chocolate sauce, chocolate brownies, chocolate bars, chocolate sprinkles, and a chocolate bunny to top it off. He needs to re-visit Desperado to re-discover that absurd elements work best when they're unexpected. If you just plop absurdity on top of absurdity on top of absurdity, it becomes a numbing bore, which is exactly what the steaming pile known as Planet Terror is. I realize that it's supposed to be over-the-top and campy, but he could've accomplished that with far less -- the same mistake he made on his terrible Once Upon a Time in Mexico.

It's obvious that all of the good reviews posted for this movie so far are from insiders who were either involved with the film or who know somebody who knows somebody and have thus seen multiple cuts. Well, I don't know anyone involved, and I've seen the final cut, and it is pure garbage. The only thing it has going for it is ambition and multiple cameos from horror legends (none on screen for terribly long). It's as if the filmmakers made this movie on a weekend during a horror convention and got actors like Tony Todd, Tom Savini, David Hess and Michael Berryman to film scenes during their coffee breaks. This is an ultra-cheap, shot-on-video wannabe X-Files with terrible acting from a cast of non-actors with more mullets than is acceptable in the 21st century. There is little or no action; it's all overly explanatory dialogue that attempts to explain a pointlessly convoluted plot. Ther computer FX are a joke, but there aren't enough of them nor enough action to make this film enjoyable in a MST3K way. After about 8 straight scenes of nothing but talking, you'll find yourself reaching for the fast-forward button...and not letting go. Absolutely worthless.

I'm surprised the rating for this movie is so low. I'd guess that people who hated it are in one of two camps (maybe both): A) people who hated Blair Witch because they got nauseous/confused with all of the shaky camera effects, or B) people who haven't seen many low-budget, direct-to-video horror films, because really if you've seen enough of these movies, you know that The Cavern is WAY, WAY ahead of the game. The acting, writing, makeup, and production value are all solid, which is more than can be said about 90% of DTV horror. Sure, there are budgetary constraints, but the filmmakers do an excellent job of using the space and resources they have; they make it look as if they are indeed in an immense system of caves when it's really just papier mache. Some might find the direction/lighting annoying, but it serves to heighten the claustrophobia and kinetic energy of the film by giving us a more first-person viewpoint -- plus, it obscures the action/monster just enough to enhance the sense of mystery and frankly to obscure any budgetary limitations (something to which other low-budget films should pay heed). The only genuine complaint is that it seems like they ran out of money and had to shut down with 10 minutes left to go, so the ending is pretty abrupt -- disturbingly so -- but better to leave you wanting for more than to not give enough.