TheGreenSaga

I have officially vomited in my own mouth, thanks to this movie.

I expected the absolute worst with this movie, but I expected a heartwarming and pleasurable absolute worst. This is just terrible. Absolutely terrible. Terrible like Nazis spreading the black plague. Let me explain: Ewoks are speaking English. It's horrible.

The villain girl looks like she travelled from the future set of Power Rangers. I really really want her to rise up from the ground and say "At last! After ten thousand years I'm free! It's time to conquer Earth!" The putties... er, I mean the big bad whatever the heck they are... they growl a lot. Many of them look like an even lamer version of the Cryptkeeper. The Cryptkeeper was pretty cool, but these guys were not.

The only merit to this movie was Paul Gleason. This movie might have been better if he'd went to the bad guys and said "If I have to come in here again, I'm crackin' skulls." It would have been even better if one of the Ewoks was played by Judd Nelson, who mouthed his words as he said this.

Also, that speedy little creature is pretty badass. Word to that.

No word to the movie, though. I want to give this movie a two. I want to, so badly. There's a passage I have memorized: The path of this movie is beset on all sides by the inequities of terribleness and the tyranny of spin-off awfulness. Blessed is nothing, for this movie blows.

I would have given this movie a 1, if not for the fact that is has something to do with The Neverending Story. That alone is points. Unfortunately, this movie had not other points.

It is silly, overacted at times, and underacted at others. The story and the way it's played out insult even the youngest viewer's intelligence.

Hmmm... well, I would say Jack Black's presence alone might boost it up to a 3, but then again I'm embarrassed he was here. As a matter of fact, I'm embarrassed this movie has the title it does. So here's my new breakdown for this god-awful piece of crap: 1 point is the minimum, and then a half-point for being a Neverending Story movie, and another half-point for having Jack Black in it.

This is an amazing, excellent "re-imagining" that requires fans of the old series to check their nostalgia at the door and hold on tight for a ride in supspense, drama, action, and intensity all around. This is one of those movies where both the drama keep you at the edge of your seat.

The show, of which this is the pilot, has not fallen short once. Character development is emphasized, as are social and political issues that one could expect to see in such an environment.

Also, it should be noted that this in no way is a rip-off of anything, including the original series. The first half hour or so of this movie may seem like a huge, blatant rip-off of Star Trek, but I believe that is one of the wittiest and most fantastic things about it. It starts off with the organized, utopian star fleet... but then it rips a hole right through every Trekian notion. Instead of being a journey to "where no man has gone before", for the sake of discovery and prosperity (all b.s., by the way), this is a struggle for survival.

Please, for your own sake, check this out.