nukie

I bought this movie for six dollars at this place that smelled like green beans. I thought it'd be cool, because I adore both robots AND ninjas. I feel I enjoy them equally. Both are enriching, and make for splendid film components, be it sci-fi, drama, or what have you. May I state here that this horrid film contains neither a robot nor a ninja. It does not even feature a robot that happens to be a ninja, or vice-versa, as the title would seem to imply. Rather, it is about a comic-book artist who is angry that there is crime, and decides to dress up like a comic book guy and mutilate people in disgustingly low-budget ways. The lead character is by far the least likable character in the movie, which says a lot since many of the other characters are in fact rapists. None of the violence is at all realistic, or at least I hope it doesn't look that gross when you poke people's eyes out. Linnea Quigley and Burt Ward are both in it, for whatever reason. They must be astonishingly poverty-stricken. Anyway, you won't like this, and I'm sorry I purchased it. You should probably destroy any copies you are able to get your hands on. Please do so now.

I rented this film because the cover looked funny. It has this picture of an alien with a huge head. That's funny. Watching the film is horrifying yet somehow beautiful. The acting is miserable, and for some reason none of the characters use contractions when they speak. Nukie is an alien who crashes his ship with his brother Meeko. They get separated, and Meeko gets taken to this place that's supposed to be NASA, which is evidently controlled by Commodore 64 computer consoles, where they inject him with unspecified fluids. Nukie ends up in Africa, and is chased by stock footage of giraffes. A lot of inexplicable things occur. You should probably view this film. Nothing this compellingly atrocious will ever be produced again. In fact, I urge you to purchase "Nukie" for your home video library, and view it daily. You won't enjoy yourself, but you won't be able to deny that your perception of life will undergo important changes.

Wow, this film is good! Jesse the Body! Space! Aliens punching and kicking! Boy! I have no idea what is happening at any point in this film! At one point Abraxas removes his shirt and tells a small boy a tender story! I hated that part! And Abraxas also sticks his head out of a lake and yells for forty five minutes! What else happens? Oh yeah, he like gets out of a car and says he has to find the bad guy, and it's so funny but it's really hard to explain why. Sorry, I'm not doing a very good job. But see this movie! Please!