kellyadmirer

I basically already told you my entire review in the title, but just to amplify a bit... We get one of the least relatable main characters of all time, doing the usual "scared stiffless" routine in the face of alien monsters who are portrayed as invulnerable but, well, stuff happens and they're actually not so tough. I'm sure you've never seen THAT before. Naomi Scott, the one redeeming feature of the film, is utterly wasted and tragically doesn't appear until the conclusion (until then, she's just an annoying chatterbox over a comlink - which isn't her fault, that's the character, but she does what she can). The film picks up when she appears, but it is WAY too late.

This is one of those "journey" films where the lead has to complete a hazardous journey, a theme around, well, since The Odyssey. But the original was much more... original.

But this is no "Odyssey," 2001 or otherwise. The plot is completely obvious from the beginning, with the only authentic dialog coming occasionally from Scott's character when she (somewhat out of character) essentially tells her chatterbox companion to shut up, stop whining, and deal. There are wildly distracting urban references in an environment where they are just grating and make you wonder why they even bother ("Just chill," "I be vibing," crap that just makes you shake your head in misery.

I didn't hate it. I did sit through he entire thing. Just lots of unrelatable elements, such as a spaceship that explodes but then mysteriously turns out to be mostly intact, with completely unsurvivable situations that are survived and then lead into more completely unsurvivable situations that are survived and, well, you get the picture. Let's just say the script needed a few more rewrites. Like, a total re-do.

But again, I did sit through it. There's a certain continuity to the "Perils of Pauline" aspect that's like an old 1930s Buck Rogers serial, where one dire predicament leads directly into another and you're just curious how they'll get their way out of this one (and - surprise! - they always do). Never mind that everything's unbelievable; it's pure escapism. And that's not all bad. It's just not very good.

I wish the characters were more sympathetic. It's impossible to relate to a film when the characters (there are essentially only three) are just so poorly drawn and unsympathetic. But then, I don't think Arnie or Bruce at their heights could have saved this mess. Only try it if you're in the mood for "Aliens Light."

Painting by numbers was big when I was a kid. You could fill in the little numbered sections with a few paint colors and produce something to show your parents. It occupied your time and nobody got shot. It passed the time.

"Ava" is just another in a long line of "invulnerable female assassin finally gets even with her real enemies" flicks. Some of them can be okay. They feature the actress of the day who somehow has acquired the pull to put such a project together. Here, it's Jessica's turn. As sure as I'm writing this, in five years it will be someone else's. Charlize Theron and Angelina Jolie could tell her all about it. Go watch Atomic Blonde or Mr. & Mrs. Smith for the pack leaders. This is the eighth horse at the Preakness that you'll never hear about, but someone, somewhere loves.

Let me put it this way: in terms of acting, Colin Farrell of all people stands stands far above the other actors like a Colossus. It's that kind of film. There is absolutely pointless and banal family stuff with the usual "what trivial family trauma turned this particular female bad" sap thrown in to soak up time with people who appear profoundly uninterested in each other sitting around mouthing obvious lines, and likely inserted to keep within the budget, as fight scenes can be expensive with all the broken glass and so forth.

Jessica looks bored throughout, with "inner turmoil" that is so obvious and resolved so banally that you can understand her wooden acting. There's an old boyfriend who needs to take some acting lessons, Geena Davis around to pick up the rent money, and John Malkovich getting to wear some waders, which he should be doing full-time at this point (and he's done a lot of great stuff, just not this).

People shoot with unerring accuracy when it suits the plot, and miss at short range when there needs to be a "showdown." "Professional assassins" blunder in like drunken sailors who approach their victims so clumsily - "Hey, let's chase our victim down by walking noisily behind her when we could just as easily have taken them by surprise somewhere" - yeah.

This is a weak effort. Another mountain behind trees with swirling clouds for plenty of blues and whites and reds. But, in its defense, it's a different paint-by-numbers, not the same as you did last time. So, it has that going for it. And, if you like that sort of thing for a lazy Saturday afternoon - and I use the word lazy advisedly, because that perfectly encapsulates this production in a word - then this is for you.

By which I mean everyone else apparently dislikes this TV movie but I kind of like it. It is perhaps the last (I can't think of a later one) of the 1960s "spy" genre movie - you know, featuring some super smooth and slick Sean Connery/Dean Martin/Robert Wagner/Robert Vaughn/James Coburn type who knows everything and can do anything while working for some all-so-secret-and-powerful yet unnamed super spy agency, surrounded by women flaunting their charms and throwing themselves at him - of a kind that only outlasted the era in the increasingly campy James Bond films. Darren McGavin is a hoot, trying so hard to play it straight but once in a while uncorking his Kolchak-style sarcastic-style wit and cynicism, which is dreadfully against character but still fun to see. Why do I like this overly complex, out of date already spy sturm und drang? First, it's one of the few TV movies of the period shot on location and we get great scenes of Berlin. Second, McGavin is awesome even though his characterization wobbles all over the place as he seems to delight in making faces the more absurd the situation gets. Third, the female co-stars are fabulous, including his criminally underused wife, Kathie Browne. Fourth, the script is kind of clever even if indecipherable at times. (Bad guy: "Remember me, I work for XYZ?" McGavin: "Ah, XYZ." Bad guy: "Yes, XYZ" McGavin: "AG!" Okay, you have to be following the plot to understand why that's amusing, and incidentally, "AG" is just German for "Inc.," so this is kind of German in-joke inside a Hollywood production, which you just don't see too often. Okay, anyway....) The female characters are the only ones allowed to show emotion in this kind of flick, and they do a good job. It's just moody and episodic, with loose cannon McGavin struggling mightily to keep a straight face carrying it. Okay, go ahead, hate me for being the oddball who likes this, but I do. I think it's worth catching if you're just in the mood for something moody.