your crowbar

I believe this series is supposed to happen in a parallel universe, in a fantasy land. Not because of the intentional anachronisms (modern music even though the action is set in the 70s, for example); but because I highly doubt the Berlin shown here has ever existed.

All club scenes seem to be made for people who have never set foot in a techno party. The club itself looks immaculate and everybody has space to dance; nobody is dripping with sweat; and the music is laughably tame (come on, at least play stuff with some edge! This is Berlin!).

The series looks great. Obscenely great. People wear the most wonderful clothes, even though they have no money. A character is about to commit suicide and the scene could be framed and hanged on a wall. There's an orgy party more baroque than the one in Eyes Wide Shut. It's almost admirable, as if the creators have decided: "let's do a story about teenagers getting addicted to drugs and turning to prostitution, but the whole thing will be LIT." Had this been a dare, I could perhaps admire the audacity. But the creators wanna have their cake and eat it, too: so here and there you'll have someone from the young cast looking horrible, beaten, destroyed. It never lasts long though: soon after there'll be more glamorous shots (no pun intended) for the viewer. I kept myself thinking about the incredible make-up abilities of the characters: they manage to go from scabs-in-the-face ugly in one scene to breakfast-with-mom-looking-fresh in the next.

And who's the audience for this? Teenagers who will be scared by the drug world, but might be seduced by the fabulous clothes and cool attitude of the young cast? Adults who want to see an aseptic version of Christiane F.'s story? I honestly don't know. I watched the whole thing wondering that. And now I wonder if there is any reason for this series to exist.

The premise of "The Hallow" is nothing new: a family in an isolated house in the woods. Strange things start to happen. Is there a logical explanation (unfriendly neighbors who want the family away) or is there something supernatural in the forest?

Unoriginal concepts in the horror genre are not a problem per se; old stories can always be told in new, refreshing ways (see "Insidious" or "The Conjuring", for example). But "The Hallow" doesn't have the energy to keep things interesting until the end, despite a strong middle act and good performances from the cast.

The film starts OK, then it gets better and more tense. Some sequences in the second act - when it's fully revealed the cause of the disturbances - are genuinely frightening (plus, that poor baby suffers a lot). But then the script gets lazier and lazier, unfortunately. Inconsistencies abound, jump scares replace real tension, and by the end I was just bored. It's a pity. It could've been a small horror gem.

I went to see Excision, Richard Bates Jr.'s debut, knowing almost nothing about it. All I had read was a 5-star Empire review. I'm so glad I trusted said review: Excision is a funny, original, sometimes horrifying, and also disturbing film. I'll never forget its ending (a true rarity: a profoundly sad ending in a horror movie). And it made me very excited about future films from writer and director Bates.

Well, to put it mildly, Suburban Gothic is a disappointment. The goal here is obviously to pay homage to John Waters' trash/filthy/defying humor (no wonder Waters himself shows up in one of the best scenes of the film), but the result seems more like not-really-inspired Waters (Cry-Baby, Pecker) than excellent Waters (Polyester, Pink Flamingos). Close-up shots of feces, vomit, and sperm add nothing to the story - and unfortunately most of the humor of the film doesn't go much higher than this.

But it'd be unfair to classify Suburban Gothic as just scatological humor. There are some truly funny scenes, Matthew Gray Gubler is charming as the protagonist, and he makes a good team with Kat Dennings. (The cast is the best thing about the film, including Leland Palmer himself, Ray Wise, and Barbara Niven as the parents) But the story is so generic I couldn't believe it came from the same man who wrote Excision. There's not a single scary moment - which wouldn't be a problem if the film was a riot, like Shaun of the Dead. Unfortunately (for me), I wasn't laughing nearly as much as the girl behind me, who was almost dying of laughter every time Gubler gave a high-pitched scream - and he does it a lot.

I guess I'll have to wait for the next film from Bates. Or watch Excision again.