Chris S.-2

I can't say what the worst movie ever made is, but Howling VII is certainly my pick for 'worst movie that makes me laugh so hard my sides hurt every time I see it'. Which is a pretty big honor, really. Man, if there's anyone out there who's never seen this movie (I bet there's a few of you), trust me, you've got to rent it sometime. To give credit where it's due, this 'werewolf' movie tried to be something a little different: a combination horror-film/country-western-musical. Yeah, that always works. With no actors either. To save money they cast the local yokels living in this town to play... themselves. Hmmm, that seems like a good idea too. Wonder what went wrong?

You know, the fact this movie got produced at all is amazing. The fact this movie was produced by New Line Cinema is really amazing.

But taken for what it is, Howling VII is the best of its kind - I mean, they literally got everything wrong. The direction just isn't happening - the 'actors' sort of wonder around while on camera, blurting out memorized lines of dialogue at awkward intervals; the jokes (and there's lot's of em!) aren't remotely funny even if you're really drunk (like they were - seriously, just watch it); the music, as performed by our multi-talented cast, ranges charmingly inept to embarrassing; and, uh, there's no werewolves, just a few red-tinted pov shots.

Well, that last one's not entirely true; there is one unfortunate werewolf appearance - but it's in the last 30 seconds of the movie. Which is odd, since its transformation scene is the big showcase of the movie. (Remember - New Line Cinema produced this - the guys who are spending $360 million on Lord of the Rings). Anyway, the aforementioned scene is accomplished by digitally stretching the "actor's" face horizontally. That's it - bang, your face is stretched, you're a werewolf (my Sony 8mm Camcorder can do this).

There's also a detective's investigation side-plot which is so poorly executed you'd swear they were making a satire. Except these scenes are played without a trace of irony. All in all the whole movie is so innocent and hapless you can't believe it was made in the 90's.

Great fun, but not perfect. The one complaint I have is that, while most of the movie is rather good-natured (in a rather mind-bogglingly idiotic way), there's one unenjoyable part towards the end where our hero gets tortured by a sadistic policeman (who later becomes werewolf food - er, red-tinted-lens food). The movie is mean-spirited here, and this LOOOOONG scene is one I usually have to fast-forward. Not that it's gruesome or revolting (I mean, it's not like this is supposed to be a horror movie or anything) - it's just boring. But then we're back with the gang doing a campfire-sing-a-long in no time, and all's well.

Anyway, I could write pages and pages on this movie, but you get the point. I voted it a 1 since it's one of the three worst movies I've ever seen, but it's in my top 10 list of favourite films of all time. These types of movies can never be intentionally made, they just have to happen. And boy, something happened.

I went into this knowing it was a Tim Burton film. I expected to be taken away to late 18th century America; I did not expect a great story. Even with this limited expectation, I was disappointed. No one can paint a somber caricature like Tim Burton, but it wasn't enough this time; somehow you just never really bought it. Danny Elfman bears some of the blame; the mediocre musical score somewhat undermined the desolate visuals. A better selection of music would have really helped. Whatever the case, the majority of the movie felt like it was just being shot and delivered, not given the immaculate attention to detail we expect from Burton. Some genres benefit from a more minimalist approach to cinematography; period pieces generally do not. For a movie whose calling card was to be a fantastic dioramic setting, it falls short. Forgettable screen play, hit-or-miss effects (those CGI-enhanced scenes are obviously CGI-enhanced, if you know what I mean), somewhat stilted cinematography (from Tim Burton!); it could have been a wonderful movie. Instead, it's forgettable.

Yeah, the theme song was catchy. Too bad it played over the entire movie, in three or four variations. Even a decent tune gets old after 90 minutes. Still, though, when the same song can denote action, sorrow, suspense, romance (!), and both the opening and closing credits, well, you've got something there.

Even without the theme song, The Last Dinosaur was kind of fun to watch. There's this scene where T-Rex gets swept off the ground by a rolling boulder tied to his tail (!). Let me tell you, this just ruins the illusion that this fearsome carnivore is anything but a stunt man in a rubber suit.

Actually, all the huffing, snarling and spitting got a little old. I'm talking about Richard Boone here. Nice method acting, though - he acts through his forefinger during the entire movie. Never seen anything quite like it. He actually pronounces his lines with his finger. It's like he's conducting the theme song.

It's tempting to say that T-Rex's head getting 'knocked in' by a boulder is the stupidest dinosaur effect since the iguana-with-fins shots from Lost Continent (it's much more embarrassing than the flying-off-his-feet bit I just mentioned). We get to see, in a slow-mo closeup no less, the dino's rubber head getting dented in by a flying boulder, then popping back out after the boulder rebounds. Did the editor really want to show that in slow-mo?

However, that's not the worst - the worst dino shot of ALL TIME is, in fact, the stegosaurus at the beginning of this movie. He lumbers from side to side so violently you expect him to topple over. Trust me, you can not watch this sequence with a straight face. Even magnified pet lizards come off as 'dinosaurs' better than that thing did.

As you can tell, I had a lot of fun with this movie. Thanks mostly to the theme song, it's not really all that bad. Considering the absolute crap that Rankin-Bass Productions have been responsible (The Return of the King, anyone?), this movie might have been worse. Don't get me wrong, it still sucks. But you'll be humming that tune in the shower for a while.