Dark Haul

I saw this movie years ago, but the memories are still there, apparently, because for some reason I thought about this train wreck today. It's your standard anti-Christ good vs bad hackneyed pseudo-religious jumbled mess muddled through the clogged filter of the brilliant minds behind the Syfy channel.

The anti-Christ (AC) character was born during the sepia film era of New Jersey. I don't remember which century, but I do recall the actors not bothering with accents that might have suited the time period. AC's sister Zip or Sip or something equally improbable is supernatural herself and the only one who can control him. And by control I mean helpfully yelling "Stop!" after AC had brutally massacred a half dozen nameless extras. Who these guys are and how they got roped into AC guard duty is never explained. One doubts a job posting for such a position would get many applicants. Maybe they offer dental.

Anyway, our heroes, who by the way are to the man total jerks, decide to take AC and his sister on a road trip to Pennsylvania. I can't recall the reason. Something to do with an expiring Cracker Barrel gift card or something. It doesn't matter, they never needed to apply for a PA filming permit. The semi they're carrying AC in breaks down for some reason, AC escapes, the same extras are killed a few more times, and then the spoiler ending happens. By which I mean the ending spoils the entire reason for the movie.

Two stars for not being forgettable, despite my best efforts.

As SyFy movies go, this was definitely a lot better than most. The creature was a bit cartoonish at times but it was pretty descent. Acting was good, even for the no name characters that usually spoil as so-so movie. I like Tom Sizemore and he did a good job as usual, he's played in this type of movies before. Didn't know any of the other actors. Body count kept me interested and the gore was not over the top or unrealistic.

Plot was original for the most part and I guessed the ending somewhat) action but didn't quite get the final scene. Wasn't sure how they wanted me to perceive the end...

It is a low budget movie, and it certainly shows.

Nonetheless, I find it enjoyable. It has a interesting story with originality, and the cast is good.

Better made and acted than most SyFy originals, this was nonetheless a film that had all the earmarks of a "first draft." Like most flicks, its too long. Just chop off the first useless 15 minutes and start with the shot of Sizemore grabbing Marie's shackled ankle and you'd have the audience going, "Now what's up with this situation? Who are these people? What did she do wrong that she has this device on her." Instead, the first 15 minutes show that the demon, even as an infant, can fly, is lethal, and impossible to kill (but you can trap it under a box).

Fast forward hundreds of years of pseudo-Christians looking after, er guarding, um whatever, the two demons, one who wants to free her demon-brother and the other who, once freed, just wants to kill (!).

The humans in charge of this duo never grasp that Zib (Zib? yup, Zib) should be sedated at all times and that Zub (well, he doesn't have a name, so why not Zub?) should be sealed in concrete and dropped in the ocean. Instead, Zib and Zub are kept in close proximity because Zib is supposed to be able to control Zub, though the words, "He's getting to strong to control," is something she says whenever Zub needs to be controlled. So much for fulfilling your basic job description, Zib.

Ah, but we have the gibberish of the 13th of the 13th and man vs beast and all that. Who cares? As for the trained, armed men and women who are supposed to know how to catch Zub if he escapes, something Zub keeps doing thanks to Zib, they must have missed several training classes. For the most part, this trained crew can't make it through an 8-hour shift without being impaled, shot by their own, or thrown hundreds of feet (often all three).

Special: Tom Sizemore drinking game. Sizemore must say at least 47 times that "I know how to kill it." If you take a shot each time, you won't have to make it to the end of the movie where it turns out he doesn't actually seem to know how to kill it.

When the highlight of the movie is a tractor trailer overturning, you've got problems.

A 279 year-old female with superpowers (Evalena Marie) is held captive and transported on a semi tractor-trailer with her gargoyle-like twin brother by a sect of "keepers" who are in conflict with other "keepers" over the interpretation of cryptic prophecy. Damon (Rick Ravanello) has developed father-like affection for the girl while Knicks (Tom Sizemore) thinks she's wholly evil, like her monster brother, who happens to be the inspiration for the Jersey Devil myth.

Released to TV 2014, "Dark Haul" (aka "Monster Truck") is surprisingly good, particularly compared to the typical half-baked SyFy flick (I was shocked by the low ratings). The script is well thought-out, the main cast is stalwart, the desolate wintery Northeast locations are great and the film's fast-paced & action-packed. The only negative you have to withstand is the unbiblical Catholic-tinged gobbledygook (but this is expected in a fantasy-based story). The cartoony monster CGI could be cited as another negative, but this is offset by the superb traditional F/X used in the climax where the creature looks like the devil incarnate, hooves and all.

Redheaded Evalena Marie is comely in a girl-next-door kind of way, not to mention all-around effective as the protagonist/antagonist. There are a couple of other quality women in the periphery, like Maya (Adrienne LaValley) and another brunette (which might be Kate Billard; it's hard to tell by the credits).

It short 'n' sweet at 87 minutes; and looks like it was shot in Pennsylvania, where the story takes place, or somewhere else in the Northeast (there's no verification of where the film was shot).

GRADE: A-