Assassin

I don't know what fills me with despair more - the fact that Danny Dyer keeps making " movies", or the fact that I keep watching them.

Anyway in this one Danny plays Danny Dyer pretending to be a hit-man ( zzzz) who falls in love with...I've lost the will to go on and this is just the synopsis on the DVD box.

Anyway Danny is in this, along with that Kemp from eastenders . and his brother ( no, not Steve Mcfadden the other one). Danny spends much of the movie riding about pointlessly on a motorbike. Well I suppose the running time has to be padded out somehow.

There is little action and no suspense. After a dull action scene in which Dyer wanders about without taking his crash helmet off ( like a less animated version of the Stig with a lisp), he receives a summons to meet gangland heavies martin kemp and his brother ( not Phil Mitchell). After a cheeky nandos and some top bantz wiv da lads, Dyer gets the info on his next execution..and from there things begin to get interesting . ( if by interesting you mean predictable, boring and idiotic).

As usual Dyer looks bored and vaguely resentful, martin Kemp looks grateful to be earning enough to pay for hair dye, and everyone else seems to be auditioning to be an extra in The Walking Dead.

There is nothing that resembles a plot or a denouement.

Insert your own joke about Danny Dyer and "helmet". I can't be bothered.

Danny Dyer plays a hit-man called 'Jamie'... alright, I suppose there must be some hit men in the world called 'Jamie' - but for conjuring up a hard man character, let's just call him 'Marion'.

Marion kills people. And looks very sleepy whilst he does it. He might be moody. He's possibly hung over. Who knows? He doesn't like talking much. Because he tells his 'bird' "I ain't one for talking" (or words to that effect. Presumably to add to his moodiness?) At one point, he senses imminent danger. How? A seagull flies overhead. Perhaps part of his moodiness is talking to animals and birds? Anyone, before this seagull can shout "Watch it you mugs!", a spray of bullets. And old Daniel's stood there like he's just remembered he's left his front door key at home.

Meanwhile, The not-really-the Krays Brothers seem to think they're in the British answer to Michael Mann's 'Heat'. Maybe even 'Leon'. Unfortunately they come across as two blokes in a self-build borrowed from Grand Designs.

Some scenes have bad audio. (For example, there's a 'confrontation' on a street at night. The ambiance would have you believe it was chucking out time on a Friday night - yet for all this drunken cavorting noise, there's hardly a person to be seen. Anywhere.) Some have bad camera work/direction. Every scene is poor translation of an even worse screenplay. Seriously: 'Marion' kills some bloke with a plastic bag (The police believe it's some nonce engaging in a bit of auto-erotic asphyxiation - and the way Dyer does it, it might as well be. And we know the police think he died due to auto-erotic asphyxiation because they tell us about 4 times).

Dead bag man turns out to be the dad of some topless dancer who Dyer takes home for a bit of how's one's father. I've lost count the number of times this has happened to me. Assassinate someone. Pick up a tart. Oh no: They're related.

And then the two brothers in the Grand Designs house start getting wobbly because SOMEONE might find out. But Dyer - the professional assassin that he is - can't kill the tart, because he's getting his leg over. (Presumably he's not had much recently) It's easy to poke at Dyer - he is miscast, relying on some 'smell the fart' acting, but he's not the weakest link here. The script is just a cut 'n paste from every crap gangster/hit-man movie there ever was. The direction, supporting cast... all not very good at all.

Begins well. Unfortunately the first 5 minutes or so are the absolute highlight. I watched this film mere hours ago and it is already beginning to fade from memory.

Admittedly there were no real "cringe" scenes in which i believed the acting or dialogue or cinematography to be horrible yet nothing stood out about it.

In my mind, the greatest films are the ones you can not only remember, but take something away from the "experience" of watching them. This film was the opposite. I expect to have forgotten it by the time i wake up tomorrow.

Final Advice: Watch only if your intention is to pass time (procrastinate) and you have no real interest or expectation of this movie.

LJ

Curiosity got the better of me as I ignored the negative comments and low rating to watch this disappointing and woeful gangland thriller. Danny Dyer will probably take the heat for this dud but that's not fair on him because given the right director and script he can show he can be a compelling actor. A director like Nick Love (Football Factory (2004), The Business (2005), Marching Powder (2025) knows how to use him in the right way. When he is playing a supporting character, usually on the back foot and showing his vulnerability, that's when he shines. Another example was the way Christopher Smith used him in Severance (2006) where he was an inconsequential character at the beginning that had to rise to the fore as circumstances dictated and became the hero. In other words writer/director J. K. Amalou just sees Dyer as this stereotypical tough geezer hired to carry his film on his misunderstood and much maligned reputation which doesn't work because there needs to be more substance which Amalou doesn't provide.

It would seem Dyer is given minimal direction as the Assassin as he proceeds to just show up, take out a gun and go through the motions in a cliched, uninspiring and tired gangland thriller. The characters are under developed, the story is not engaging enough and the music score is just plain annoying.

Teaming Dyer up with brothers Martin & Gary Kemp, who impressed in their feature film debut playing real life gangsters in Peter Medak's The Krays (1990) must have seemed like an inspired idea but J. K. Amalou rests on his laurels and makes no effort to craft an engaging thriller on the back of this, The Long Good Friday (1980) this is not. It's lazy filmmaking that relies on the misguided notion that if we get some tough guy actors to front the film we'll get away with any old tosh as long as there are guns, violence and a bit of nudity thrown in with a London backdrop.

Amazingly this is executive produced by Martin Scorsese regular Barbara De Fina of Goodfellas (1990), Cape Fear (1991) Casino (1995) and Hugo (2011) fame but despite her pedigree she brings nothing of that to this project. No wonder Danny decided this was to be his last feature film before taking refuge in the TV soap Eastenders for the next 10 years where at least he could demonstate his acting chops and became relatable to audiences of all ages as the loveable Mick Carter.

With it's many continuity errors, poor direction, shoddy editing and unlikeable characters Assassin sadly has no redeeming qualities with which to recommend it so this one is strictly for Danny Dyer completists only.

Danny's character was build upon low, piercing eyes and a voice you could hardly hear. Slow and soft to make him appear cold but then he falls for a girl whos father he contract killed and his Assassin credentials leave the plot.

Its watchable for Danny and Kemp alone but it felt cheap like a B movie and didn't have any real surprises.

Pros. Dyer and Kemp

Cons. Felt cheap with poor camera angles and a predictable plot that undermines Danny's character and demeanour.

I have no idea why he spoke so slowly and soft to give that i am not scared of anything look.