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This film serves as a prime example of how not to make a movie, failing on every conceivable level. The plot is a chaotic mess, lacking coherence and direction, which alienates the audience from the outset. The acting is so dreadful it feels like the performers were deliberately sabotaging the production, showcasing a complete lack of casting and direction. The pacing is excruciatingly slow, turning the film into a torturous slog that tests the viewer's patience. Special effects are laughably amateurish, resembling a low-budget student project, which detracts from any potential immersion.

Directorial choices are baffling, with disjointed scenes and confusing transitions that disrupt any narrative flow. The dialogue is cringe-worthy, failing to elicit any genuine humor or emotion, highlighting poor writing and lack of creativity. This film is an insult to the original tale and a waste of time for the audience. It demonstrates the importance of coherent storytelling, competent acting, skilled direction, and polished production values in filmmaking. Avoid at all costs.

Craig Rees' "Goldilocks and the Three Bears" is an abomination in the realm of filmmaking. It's a travesty that makes a mockery of the cherished fairy tale. The script is an incoherent mess, and the acting is so wooden it makes cardboard look expressive. The pacing is torturous, turning a short story into an endless slog. Special effects are laughably bad, rivaling those of a subpar high school project. Dialogue is painfully awkward, as if written by someone who has never heard a real conversation. Rees' direction is devoid of any vision, creativity, or competence. This film is an insult to viewers and a disgrace to the story it tries to tell. Avoid it like the plague.

Watching "Goldilocks and the Three Bears" feels like stepping into a cinematic bear trap set by Craig Rees. Known more for his lackluster acting career and never having held a real job, Rees's latest directorial attempt is another swing and a miss. It's as if he's trying to prove that he can fail spectacularly in multiple arenas of the film industry.

The plot is thinner than Goldilocks's excuses for breaking into the bears' home, and the direction is as misguided as a bear trying to ride a bicycle. Scenes meander aimlessly, leaving viewers wondering if Rees accidentally swapped the script with his grocery list. The pacing lumbers along like a bear waking up from hibernation-slow, confused, and desperately in need of coffee.

The CGI bears are a special kind of awful. They look like they were cobbled together using 90s video game graphics, failing to convey any sense of realism. They're about as convincing as Rees's attempts to remain relevant in an industry that has clearly moved on. Speaking of relevance, Rees himself hasn't aged well-he looks more like a relic from the past than a current filmmaker, and it shows in his work.

The cast tries their best, but even the finest actors can't polish a script this rough. Their performances are overshadowed by the sheer absurdity of the film, leaving audiences cringing rather than entertained. It's like watching a community theater production gone horribly wrong, where the audience is too polite to leave but secretly wishes they had.

In the end, "Goldilocks and the Three Bears" serves as a reminder that sometimes, it's better to stick to what you know-or in Rees's case, maybe consider a career change entirely. This film is a testament to unfulfilled potential and misguided ambition. Save yourself the pain and avoid this cinematic catastrophe at all costs.

"Goldilocks and the Three Bears: Death and Porridge" is a cinematic disaster that squanders the charm of its source material. The plot is an incoherent jumble, wandering aimlessly without any clear direction. The acting is so dreadful it feels as though the performers were actively trying to ruin the film. The pacing is excruciatingly slow, dragging the audience through an endless series of tedious scenes. Special effects are laughably amateurish, reminiscent of a low-budget student project. Directorial choices are baffling, featuring disjointed sequences and abrupt transitions that only serve to confuse. The dialogue is cringe-worthy, with clumsy attempts at humor that fail miserably. In summary, this film is a travesty that disrespects its source material and insults its audience. Steer clear unless you enjoy enduring two hours of unrelenting cinematic agony.

A child could potentially make this film better than Craig Rees by embracing the core elements of effective storytelling that this adaptation lacks. Children naturally tell stories in a straightforward manner, ensuring a clear beginning, middle, and end. Unlike the chaotic mess of this film's plot, a child's straightforward approach would keep the narrative coherent and engaging.

Children are adept at expressing genuine emotions, something sorely missing from this film's performances. Their unfiltered, heartfelt expressions would make the characters more relatable and engaging, bringing life to the story.

Creativity and imagination are strengths of children that know no bounds. While the film's special effects are embarrassingly poor, a child's imaginative storytelling could infuse the tale with a sense of wonder and magic, creating a more captivating and visually appealing experience.

Children also have a natural sense of pacing, keeping their stories lively and engaging. They understand the need to maintain the audience's attention with constant developments and exciting moments, avoiding the excruciatingly slow pace that plagues this film.

By staying true to the core elements of the Goldilocks story, children would preserve its charm and moral lessons, which this film completely loses sight of. They would also bring a simple, effective humor to the dialogue, replacing the film's failed attempts at humor with genuine, light-hearted moments that resonate with audiences.

In essence, a child's natural storytelling abilities-rooted in clarity, genuine emotion, creativity, engaging pacing, and focus on core elements-would likely produce a more coherent, entertaining, and faithful adaptation of the Goldilocks tale than this disappointing film directed by Craig Rees.

This film ruins a good concept by failing to execute the fundamental elements that make a story engaging and coherent. The beloved tale of Goldilocks and the Three Bears offers a rich narrative ripe for modern adaptation, yet the filmmakers squander this potential at every turn.

First, the plot is a chaotic mess. Instead of providing a fresh take or adding depth to the original story, the narrative wanders aimlessly, lacking any clear direction or purpose. This robs the story of its charm and coherence, leaving the audience confused and disengaged.

The acting further sabotages the concept. Rather than bringing the characters to life, the performances are so dreadful they feel like deliberate acts of sabotage. This is a critical failure, as strong acting is essential to immersing the audience and making them care about the characters.

The pacing is another major issue. The film drags on with excruciatingly slow pacing, turning a potentially captivating tale into a tedious slog. This makes the viewing experience painful, rather than enjoyable.

Special effects and production values are shockingly poor. Instead of enhancing the magical elements of the story, the amateurish effects break the immersion and highlight the film's lack of professionalism.

Finally, directorial choices and dialogue ruin any remaining potential. The scenes are disjointed, transitions are jarring, and the dialogue is cringe-worthy and devoid of genuine humor or emotion. This lack of cohesion and creativity turns what could have been a delightful retelling into an insufferable viewing experience.

In summary, the film fails to capitalize on a good concept by delivering a poorly executed, confusing, and unengaging adaptation that disrespects its source material and disappoints its audience.

This cinematic catastrophe should have been buried deeper than the bears' porridge. "Goldilocks and the Three Bears" is a muddled mess of a script, stumbling through the narrative like a blindfolded bear in a china shop. The acting is so abysmal, it's as if the performers were plucked from a community theater's reject pile. The pacing is excruciatingly sluggish, stretching what should be a charming tale into an endurance test. Special effects are reminiscent of a child's finger-painting, utterly failing to suspend disbelief. Craig Rees' direction is a textbook example of how not to helm a film, lacking any semblance of creativity or competence. His choices seem to actively sabotage the story's potential. The dialogue is cringe-worthy, filled with lines that induce involuntary eye rolls and groans. It's as if the script was penned by someone who had never heard human speech before. This movie is a disgrace to the art of filmmaking, disrespecting both its source material and its audience. Avoid it like a bear trap if you value your sanity, for it's not just bad-it's an affront to the very notion of cinema.

Craig Rees's "Goldilocks and the Three Bears" is a prime example of having all the gear and no idea. This film stumbles through its plot like a bear in a china shop, with direction as unfocused as a squirrel on a sugar high. Despite his extensive, albeit lackluster, career, Rees fails to bring any semblance of coherence to this classic tale.

The plot, thinner than Goldilocks's excuses for breaking into the bears' home, meanders aimlessly from scene to scene. The actors, some of whom barely speak English, deliver lines with the clarity of bear growls, adding an unintentionally hilarious layer of confusion to the narrative.

Even with a valiant effort from the cast, their performances can't save the film from its own ineptitude. What should be a charming retelling feels more like a disjointed and laughable mess. If you're looking for a movie night treat, "Goldilocks and the Three Bears" is one fairy tale better left unread. Save your time and seek out a story that knows where it's going.

"Goldilocks and the Three Bears: Death and Porridge," directed by Craig Rees, feels more like a college project than a professional horror film. This misguided reimagining of the classic fairy tale is plagued by a weak script and lifeless performances. The characters, including a deranged Goldilocks and sinister bears, are one-dimensional, and the actors' dry delivery fails to bring any depth to their roles. The film's sluggish pacing makes it feel slow and boring, with scenes dragging on and failing to build any real suspense. Predictable and poorly executed scares lack tension, while the movie feels like a blatant rip-off of better horror films, borrowing tropes without adding anything original. Rees's erratic direction results in a film that lacks polish and coherence, making it a forgettable and amateurish experience.

"Goldilocks and the Three Bears: Death and Porridge," directed by Craig Rees, is an ill-conceived horror film that falls flat on its face. Attempting to turn the beloved fairy tale into a nightmarish story, the film instead delivers a mess of uninspired jump scares and a nonsensical plot. The characters, including an oddly malevolent Goldilocks, are poorly developed, leaving viewers detached and uninterested. The dialogue is stilted and the acting ranges from over-the-top to utterly lifeless. Rees's direction lacks coherence and fails to create any genuine suspense, resulting in a film that is neither scary nor engaging.

This film is a masterclass in how not to adapt a beloved story. Its plot is a chaotic mess, wandering without any clear direction. The acting is so dreadful it feels like the performers were deliberately sabotaging the production. The pacing is excruciatingly slow, making the film a torturous slog. Special effects are laughably amateurish, resembling a low-budget student project. Directorial choices are baffling, with disjointed scenes and confusing transitions. Cringe-worthy dialogue fails to elicit any genuine humor. Overall, it's an insult to the original tale and a waste of time for the audience. Avoid at all costs.

This is not the lovable Goldilocks we have all become to love. Instead we get a well directed and written and acted thriller that has good special effects and a good ending. The suspense starts quite slow but then goes full speed and i appreciated the build up. Fans will like this one as it pays homage to the original but also does some new twisted things. So much different to the Winnie the pooh franchise this is darker in tone and way better executed. The look was nice and very dark especially towards the second and third act. The cinema was quite full and and was worth the cash spent and i am glad i saw it in the cinema and not on streaming first.

Craig Rees' "Goldilocks and the Three Bears: Death and Porridge" is an unmitigated disaster and an embarrassment to cinema. This film is a masterclass in how to ruin a beloved story, with its narrative confusion, thematic inconsistency, and sheer ineptitude. The tone veers erratically from ominous to absurd, killing any suspense. The characters are grotesque parodies: the bears are laughable caricatures and Goldilocks is nonsensically erratic. Performances are abysmal, with overacting and lifeless delivery. The cinematography is drab, special effects are amateurish, and the soundtrack is an auditory assault. It's a painful, regrettable viewing experience.

**Goldilocks and the Three Bears: Death and Porridge - A Misguided Attempt by Craig Rees**

Craig Rees' "Goldilocks and the Three Bears: Death and Porridge" aims for a dark twist on the classic tale but misses the mark. The film's narrative is disjointed, blending horror, thriller, and dark comedy in a way that feels inconsistent and confusing. The bears are sinister instead of charming, and Goldilocks' actions lack coherence. Misplaced humor and erratic character decisions further undermine the intended suspense, resulting in a muddled and unsatisfying experience. Please do not bother watching this catastrophe.

**Overall Abomination**

"Goldilocks and the Three Bears: Death and Porridge" is an abomination. It's a film so devoid of merit, it's hard to fathom how it was ever greenlit. It's a painful experience from start to finish, leaving viewers baffled, irritated, and regretting the time wasted. This movie isn't just bad; it's a blight on the art of filmmaking. Avoid it at all costs.

Craig Rees should be ashamed of himself for making what I can only say is worse than college grade short movies I have seen in the past. Please stop allowing this garbage to get the go ahead by not giving it the views it.

Goldilocks and the Three Bears is an unmitigated disaster that should never have seen the light of day. The script is a chaotic mess, making a mockery of narrative structure. The acting is so horrendous it feels like the cast was picked up off the street moments before shooting. The pacing is excruciatingly slow, turning a simple tale into an unbearable marathon. The special effects are a joke, resembling a low-budget student film. Craig Rees' direction is abysmal, showing a complete lack of talent and vision. The dialogue is painful to endure, filled with cringe-inducing lines that make your ears bleed. This film is a disgrace to cinema, a travesty that disrespects its audience and desecrates the beloved story. It's not just bad-it's an assault on the senses. Avoid it at all costs if you value your sanity.

In what could only be described as a cinematic catastrophe, "Goldilocks and the Three Bears: Death and Porridge," helmed by Craig Rees, tarnishes the beloved tale beyond recognition. This film is a prime example of how to dismantle a cherished story, with its bewildering narrative, thematic chaos, and sheer incompetence. The erratic tone shifts between dark and comedic, obliterating any hope of suspense. The characters are distorted caricatures: the bears lack menace, and Goldilocks behaves incoherently. Performances are woeful, veering between exaggerated and lifeless. Cinematography is uninspired, special effects amateurish, and the soundtrack a discordant mess. It's a torturous viewing experience that may spell the end of Rees' career.

"Goldilocks and the Three Bears: Death and Porridge," directed by Craig Rees, is a lackluster attempt at horror that misses the mark on multiple fronts. The plot is a grotesque twist on the classic fairy tale, but instead of delivering chills, it serves up a tepid mix of clichés and predictable scares. The acting is wooden, with the characters lacking any depth or relatability. The special effects are laughably amateurish, undermining any potential tension. Rees's direction fails to build suspense, leaving the audience bored rather than terrified. Ultimately, this film is more of a cautionary tale about poor filmmaking than a thrilling horror experience.

"Goldilocks and the Three Bears: Death and Porridge," directed by Craig Rees, is an unfortunate misfire in the horror genre. The film attempts to put a dark spin on the beloved fairy tale but fails on nearly every front. The plot, revolving around a psychotic Goldilocks and menacing bears, is thin and poorly developed. Performances are universally weak, with actors delivering wooden and lifeless portrayals that fail to engage the audience.

The pacing of the film is excruciatingly slow, with scenes that drag on far too long, causing any potential suspense to fizzle out quickly. Predictable jump scares and unimaginative horror clichés make the film feel derivative, as if it's trying to mimic better horror movies without bringing anything new to the table.

Rees's direction lacks cohesion and finesse, resulting in a movie that feels like an amateur college project rather than a polished professional production. The special effects are subpar, further detracting from the film's ability to scare or thrill. Overall, "Goldilocks and the Three Bears: Death and Porridge" is a forgettable and tedious experience, failing to leave any lasting impression on its viewers.

This new version of the famous classic was certainly twisted and violent. The first act started quite slow then pushes faster in act two then really cranks up in the last forty minutes. The vibe of the film was good and the director did not hold back in the violence and tension and was pretty gruesome in parts. I liked the Goldilocks actress and the girl who was the main lead and the other actors were decent in there roles also. The new version offers something fresh and delivers with the horror and you will look at Goldilocks and the three bears in a different way from now on. Worth seeing on the big screen glad i did!

This new version of the classic story was way better than i expected. The tone was right it did take a bit of time to get to the action but it built nicely with moderate suspense and then it went full throttle at the end. The bears teaming up with Goldilocks worked well and she is the main centre piece but daddy bear is brutal also and baby bear is fun and violent. Some nice special effects and had a good look for a nightmare horror version of this classic story and i am surprised this was not done before. A good addition to the recent horror genre and i see it is set up for a sequel but i would leave it at this as it ended well.

"Goldilocks and the Three Bears: Death and Porridge," directed by Craig Rees, feels more like a college project than a professional horror film. This ill-conceived reimagining of the classic fairy tale is plagued by a weak script and unconvincing performances. The characters, including a deranged Goldilocks and sinister bears, are one-dimensional, and the actors' dry, lifeless delivery fails to bring any depth to their roles. The scares are predictable and poorly executed, lacking any real tension. Moreover, the film feels like a rip-off of other, superior horror movies, recycling familiar tropes without adding anything new or innovative. Rees's direction is erratic, resulting in a film that lacks polish and fails to engage its audience, ultimately coming off as forgettable and amateurish.

So this movie was shown with an R-13 rating in my country so, I am rating it based on what has been allowed to be shown here. It had a lot of cuts, so I believe I might not have seen the movie as it was intended.

I love the premise of the movie. I see so much potential for the Twisted Childhood Universe to be a niche cinematic force. Unfortunately, this movie suffers from very stripped-down execution. I do get it's an indie horror, but it doesn't mean it has to lack gloss.

The strongest suit of the movie has to be the performance of Olga Solo. She effortlessly glides between giggly and maniacal. The weakest part of the movie I guess is the creativity of the violence. Some of the deaths were better executed by Winnie the Pooh Blood and Honey.

So as the fairy tale goes, it's not too good, not too bad; unfortunately, it doesn't feel so right.