A Talking Cat!?!

Wasn't sure whether to give it one star out of ten, or ten stars for the films pure lack of any sort of slot to fit it in to. For one thing- the soft porn style sets are not your imagination, the director, David DeCoteau not only makes gay porn- he also directs CHILDREN'S films. And uses the same sets.. makes me uncomfortable knowing children's films are also done by this same guy, under an alias company name "1313" on IMDb. Thanks Nathan Rabin, I KNEW it. You just confirmed my fears.

Soft porn music, lighting, sets... the crappiest special effects for the talking cat ever. Picture a photo shopped-style moving black "mouth shape" for the poor cats mouth- and a drunken sounding Eric Roberts as the cat's voice. The cat is neither cute, nor cuddly- the film does not use the cat pictured on the film's ad poster.

The film totally reminded me of "The Room" in it's weirdly quiet way. I was waiting for a character to waltz in and casually mention "didn't you hear? I have cancer.. Bye!" A million dollar budget?? Why? How? I wonder if some of their budget went to "hush money" to the child actors' parents. Wouldn't surprise me! This is one of those "you've GOT to WATCH this" films.

I defy anyone to make it through this direct to video disaster in one sitting. I know I couldn't. There is nothing, NOTHING even remotely redeemable about this mess. Zero production values, a canned and looped music score that would be far more fitting for interrogations of enemies of the state, painful performances from has been's (WTF how desperate were Kristine DeBell and Johnny Whittaker in order for them to debase themselves like this?!) along with a talentless cast of young up and comers, and -the coup de gras- the most unbelievable "talking cat" effect you will ever see. This entire video (I refuse to call it a movie) is an endurance test for only the most brave of souls. Your rage will set in after the first fifteen minutes, and from there on out it's a battle of wills to see who will emerge victorious. Many have tried. All have perished. Consider this your only warning.

This film was shot in much the same fashion as Santa's Summerhome as it was made by the same people. This one does feature more locations than that film and has more establishing shots than probably any other movie in existence. It also features a cat that does not talk too much, but when it does it sounds like Eric Roberts who was doing the voice was in a box inside a bathroom and they were recording him just outside the door. Just a lot of pointless stuff going on as the plot is not really there and the characters are not really likable or distinct other than great value brand Rodney Dangerfield.

The story has a cat that roams outside and wants to help humans for some reason and talks like the most disinterested and most inebriated person ever. I guess that statement can be totally accurate as it is Eric Roberts. A father who looks well into his 60's and his teenage son are hanging out at their mansion. Poor father just retired and seems hopelessly lost while the son is a dork who cannot swim despite having a luxurious pool at the mansion. He is also tutoring a girl who stops short of taking her panties off and giving them to the boy, but he so awkward. Then there is a mother who is trying to secure a contract for something, was not sure what she was doing, but she made cheesepuffs and her two children are insufferable and I didn't realize that her daughter and the girl the boy were tutoring were two different people till the end of the film. Oh, the cat tries to get everyone together or something.

The film is abysmal to the highest degree. It constantly pads the film with shots of the beach, the woods and the sky. Then it will show a car driving through multiple scenes and then back to a shot of the beach then outside the house, it is very irritating! Why show a shot of the beach, when it is not going to be used in any scenes with the characters interacting?

So, not a good film and you will be grateful when the credits roll, only the movie doesn't stop, it keeps showing you scenes even after we should be done and getting on with our lives. Not sure which one is worse though, this or Santa's Summer Home. I am kind of leaning towards this one because at least we didn't have Eric Roberts do drunken line reads in Summer Home and we got a few actors of note in that one, not good actors mind you, but you knew who they were. The best they could do her was a voice over. And what a lifeless voice over it is too!

I recently watched this "film" for my podcast, where we solely review awful movies. I painstakingly sat through it twice with a stopwatch and timed all of the runtime of the movie spent on establishing shots (there are FIFTY-SEVEN OF THEM), credits, and shots of the cat lying or waddling around. This sums up the movie better than anything:

Between the credits, establishing shots, and shots of the cat, those all take up THIRTY PERCENT OF THE 83-MINUTE RUNTIME. I have never seen a movie that so blatantly pads its runtime with scenery. And what's scarier than that is that there are literally dozens of instances (that I didn't time with the stopwatch) where the human characters are shown doing nothing but sitting and looking at things for several minutes at a time, or walking up stairs, or standing and looking at random objects. It is pathetic how poorly edited and shot this movie is.

Literally nothing happens in this movie. If you don't believe me, go see it. You'll go cross-eyed before you ever find anything resembling a plot. If this thing was competently made just from a sheer editing standpoint, it would be 4 minutes long...if that.

What Script level-0.

Acting level-0 Effort level-0 Production value level-0

-This movie was- Goddamn I can't think of anything to say.

And the fact that this is getting good reviews... I literally curled up to the darkest corner of my room, cried and continuesly asked myself what the heck is wrong with humanity and what could have we possibly done to anger God to the point of punishing us with this visual and audial hell.

I'm scared.

I need a vacation.