A Talking Cat!?!

Inept beyond words. It makes the goofy Stakelander look lile "Shape of Water" . Music fit for a clown dance including honks and slide whistle. Bizarrely odd gesticulation worse than a small-town high school play. The talking-cat effect was done by a first grader. There was a baffling transition involving five consecutive shots of a car driving that lasted 75 seconds; just driving! The credits are in a class of their own. The cast does not seem to be high, but the production crew certainly was. The soundtrack included "la cucaracha" and "itsy bitsy spider", not joking. Monumentally, spectacularly inept.

What Script level-0.

Acting level-0 Effort level-0 Production value level-0

-This movie was- Goddamn I can't think of anything to say.

And the fact that this is getting good reviews... I literally curled up to the darkest corner of my room, cried and continuesly asked myself what the heck is wrong with humanity and what could have we possibly done to anger God to the point of punishing us with this visual and audial hell.

I'm scared.

I need a vacation.

Wasn't sure whether to give it one star out of ten, or ten stars for the films pure lack of any sort of slot to fit it in to. For one thing- the soft porn style sets are not your imagination, the director, David DeCoteau not only makes gay porn- he also directs CHILDREN'S films. And uses the same sets.. makes me uncomfortable knowing children's films are also done by this same guy, under an alias company name "1313" on IMDb. Thanks Nathan Rabin, I KNEW it. You just confirmed my fears.

Soft porn music, lighting, sets... the crappiest special effects for the talking cat ever. Picture a photo shopped-style moving black "mouth shape" for the poor cats mouth- and a drunken sounding Eric Roberts as the cat's voice. The cat is neither cute, nor cuddly- the film does not use the cat pictured on the film's ad poster.

The film totally reminded me of "The Room" in it's weirdly quiet way. I was waiting for a character to waltz in and casually mention "didn't you hear? I have cancer.. Bye!" A million dollar budget?? Why? How? I wonder if some of their budget went to "hush money" to the child actors' parents. Wouldn't surprise me! This is one of those "you've GOT to WATCH this" films.

Well, sure, I didn't really have much of any high hopes for this 2013 movie titled "A Talking Cat!?!". Why? Well, the movie's synopsis didn't really sell the movie all that well, and it seemed to be a questionable movie at best, and truth be told, having Eric Roberts as the voice of the talking cat wasn't really selling the movie.

But still, as I hadn't already seen the movie, I sat down to watch the 2013 movie from writer Andrew Helm and director David DeCoteau (credited as Mary Crawford!).

And this movie was bad alright, mark my words.

First of all, the storyline seemed like something that was written by a middle school student for a class act to be performed in front of an auditorium full of hopeful parents. Yeah, the storyline wasn't exactly riveting, nor particularly entertaining.

And to make matters worse, the cat shown on the movie's cover wasn't even the cat that was in the movie. The cat on the movie's cover/poster is an adorable and cute kitten, while the cat in the actual movie was more of a chunky adult cat - still cute though, as it is a cat. And to top it all off, Eric Roberts delivered the lines for Duffy the cat with as much gusto and enthusiasm as an inmate on Death Row. I was imagining Eric Roberts at the microphone with a 12 pack of beer in one hand and the script in the other. For all the people that they could have picked from, they chose that guy?

Well, the horror doesn't end there. And by that I mean the atrociously bad animated mouth they put on the cat when it delivered Eric Roberts' flat and monotonous dialogue. It was so fake and seemed like something taken out of a "South Park" episode. It was horrible to witness and such an eyesore.

"A Talking Cat!?!" is a movie that you shouldn't bother spending your time or effort on. Some of us suffered through the ordeal so you don't have to. Believe you me.

My rating of this 2013 abysmal movie settles on a generous two out of ten stars.

This movie takes place in a total of two locations: A mansion and smaller house. Yet it features no less than 59 establishing shots, most of them being the same three shots of a forest stream, some trees, and an ocean with palm trees visible over and over and over again.

After watching all 59 of these establishing shots, I'm still not quite sure where this film took place. Could be the Pacific Northwest or it could be Florida. I just don't know.

And that is only the beginning of the magic this movie has to offer. It is a true masterpiece of badness.