- Doug: I learned all about the brain when I had a 6 inch spike lodged in my skull as a child. Which is the reason why you may have noticed that sometimes when I'm talking I use the wrong rowboat.
- Lucy: If I want to go in the fucking air conditioning duct, I'll go. I'm just going to die anyway just like the rest of you assholes, so maybe I'm going to try to do something brave as a final pointless gesture of kindness in this cruel shitty world that likes taking gestures of kindness and shitting and peeing on them. You know what else? Since you're all going to be dead soon anyway, I should tell you. I hate every single one of you.
- Clint: ...you parked so close, I-I couldn't get out of my...
- Wade: My truck's got a dual reeow weeow.
- Clint: I'm sorry?
- Wade: Dual reeow weeow. Dual weeow, dual weeow, dual reeow weeow. Dual weeow, dual real wheel. Dual. Real. Reow reow. Got a dual reeow weeow. Dual weeow, dual weeow, dual weeow.
- Clint: I don't understand
- Wade: It's got two extra wheels on the back part of it.
- Wade: [as several cootie kids struggle to escape] Nap time, motherfuckers.
- [ignites the fuel setting said kids zone ablaze]
- Doug: [Kid explain the kids might have cooties] He might be right, If you'll follow me
- [no one follows as he continues to explain to himself]
- Rebekkah: Maybe we were created by an all-knowing God, who sent down his only son to die for us. Or maybe we were monkey people who sat around crapping in each other's mouths until one day we were like, "I don't like all this hair; just on my head and crotch, please!" Who can say? I can't, because the state of Illinois doesn't allow me to, Hank.
- Rebekkah: There's still so much I haven't done, like, like I've always wanted to fire an uzi . I don't know.
- Tracy: I wanted a bunny. I always wanted a bunny growing up and... never got one.
- Wade: You know what I want? I want to know why my brother in law makes ten times what I do. You know what he does for a living? He makes giant foam fingers for football games. Like you tell people you're a teacher and they look at you like oh you must have wanted to do something else and you couldn't get anything going its like fuck you man. I'm raising your kids. I love my job. And teachers deserve respect!
- Doug: Yeah.
- Wade: And I'm sorry that it took me till today to realize this but... I really actually like you guys.
- Doug: I always wanted to have sex with a prostitute who was nonwhite.
- Rebekkah: Buddy, I don't know what that bitch drinks out of. Here's what I do know; I know that this is a rape button. It emits a shit-crazy alarm that will inform local police who will arrive in two minutes, should you decide to get touchy and/or feely. You wanna know why I have a rape button? Don't answer, I want to tell you. Because the government of the state of Illinois doesn't trust the citizenry enough to pass safe, sensible conceal and carry laws.
- Wade: All right, ladies, here's the plan. We get down on that ledge, jump to the ground, hightail it like linebackers to our cars, boom.
- Clint: I thought you tried to outrun them. You said they were too fast for you.
- Wade: Yeah, but that was before I had a weapon.
- Clint: A violin?
- Wade: Not just a violin. It's an instrument of death. I propose we create a symphony of death. Everyone grab an instrument. Here. You take this
- [hands Clint a tambourine]
- Wade: .
- Clint: Oh, yeah, that'll be real effective.
- Wade: I'm offering leadership. What are you offering, besides throwing hot pots of coffee at people, or writing a stupid book no one wants to read about some guy who wants to fuck a boat?
- Clint: It's not about a guy who wants to fuck a boat. It's a book about obsession and possession...
- Wade: He wants to fuck the boat, and you know it.
- Clint: Listen...
- Wade: Listen, little Stevie King...
- Clint: There's an invention called a cell phone that your stupid school confiscated. We need to get to the principal's office, grab our phones and call someone who can help quarantine these kids.
- Wade: We're in a total lockdown in case you haven't noticed. We have been breached and there are little cootie kids right out there in the hallway who willingly will fucking rip your face off with their little teeth...
- Clint: Well, shit...
- Wade: With their little baby teeth, their big teeth haven't even come in yet.
- Clint: You know what, you carry on with your symphony of death. I'll sneak around the school where there aren't any kids.
- Wade: Oh, you sneak around, huh? Sneak around like a little hobbit. No way, I'm taking the fight to them like a fucking orc. And that is the difference between you and me. I don't wanna scurry. I don't wanna scurry around the hallway like a common squirrel.
- [last lines]
- Wade: I always know where my Dual reeow weeow. Dual weeow, dual weeow, dual reeow weeow. Dual weeow, dual real wheel. Dual. Real. Reow reow. Got a dual reeow weeow. Dual weeow, dual weeow, dual weeow
- Wade: I thought today was gonna go way different than this. You have no idea. I thought you were radiant today, Lucy. And then I walk in, see you laughing, smiling at that little asshole. You know what I thought? I thought, wow! She looks so pretty when she smiles. How come she never smiles at me like that? Talk to ya later, Lucy. And go fuck yourself!
- Wade: I played dodgeball a million times with these little shits. Go for the face. It's the weak spot.