The Secret Village

This film lost me 90 minute of my life I can't get back, so I feel the feel the need to warn others. The secret village is one of the worst films I have seen and unfortunately i have seen a lot, but this is one of the films that has prompted me to join IMDb and write a review. 1.The acting is awful the male and female lead in particular were bad 2.The editing was all over the place, couldn't follow the story due to that fact 3. Horrible annoying soundtrack that tries desperately to add suspense too this poor excuse of a film. 4. Cheap make up and costume obliviously bought from fancy dress shop. The director who adds his name to the cover and title of this film and as if he Is so proud should have hidden it at the back in very small lettering, especially if ever wants to direct again. He obviously fancies himself as a M Night type director due too the weak twist at the end but this he is not, $2 million was spent on this and when watching the credits at the end I saw that executive producer was someone with the same surname so obviously a rich relative indulged the writer director with the money to make this mess if a film. Note too that relative please don't indulge him any more spend your money on something more worthwhile. Don't watch this movie and destroy any copies you may see to stop other experiencing what I did.

For those expecting a horror film, this is strictly G-Rated, Nancy Drew stuff with an ending that leaves lots of loose ends. Safe for the kids, though -- absolutely no language, violence, sex, nudity. But playing this for the kids will be worse for them than a time-out. Again, beware of films with an N/A -- that means it was never submitted to the MPAA, which means it went straight to video. Absolute garbage and it's super-low IMDb ranking is well-deserved. Trust me, any good reviews this crud receives was written by someone from the cast, production crew or adoring relatives. Points to anyone who can figure out the plot, which appears to have been made up as the filmmakers went along. You have been warned!

Segments are clearly out of sequence, random bits of footage pop up for no reason, events are described before they happen, other parts are missing entirely. Obviously this was a salvage job, and not a very good one. Maybe production ran out of money, maybe key people quit(for not getting paid?), but for whatever reason, this was clearly not a complete film and what was there was thrown together with plenty of filler to pad it out to a sell-able run-time. There might have been decent movie in there but it wasn't finished and what was left was an incoherent mess that was thrown onto the market to try to recoup the loss from unsuspecting renters. Shame on the producers.

This is an incoherent mess.

The music is stupid.

The feel is low budget, it isn't scary. The parts that should be are just laughably bad.

It skips like a damaged record, it makes as much sense as a dream does when you are awake.

The 2.7 rating is probably generous.

It isn't unwatchable, but is rather unenjoyable even if you have really low standards.

The movie is inconsistent within it's internal logic, the viewer would have to be psychically linked to the main character and suffering from ergot poisoning for what is shown to make any sense.

Find another movie to watch.

At some point in the future, scientists will be able to prove that watching terrible movies is harmful to your intelligence and overall psyche. The day they do that, this movie is going to be named in my lawsuit.

The wife and I love a good horror movie. But we also enjoy putting on a bad horror movie and making fun of it. Some movies, such as this one, are so bad that you can't even extract comedy from them.

For instance, it's been scientifically proved that Demons at the Door is the worst movie ever made (and will also be named in my lawsuit). However, it's so absurd that you can laugh at it.

I don't even need spoilers to illustrate how bad this movie is. The quality is just so bad that a lot of the time your face will be scrunched up in a "what the hell was the point of that?" expression.

The cuts are awful. In one scene, the blast of typical horror movie "shock" music cuts flat off. I almost guarantee they noticed something wrong with the scene in the editing room and instead of re-shooting, they just said, "cut it there."

There are long, pointless pauses in the dialog. The expressions don't match the actual mood. The scenes skip all over the place.

Worst... the music. Most modern horror movies use the typical method of focusing on the main character in the scene, then something flits by in the background while they play a short, intense burst of "shock" music meant to startle you. In most cases, without the sound, the scene wouldn't make you jump and wouldn't even be ominous. Well, apparently the person who produced this movie was so startled by the flit/shock- music thing during some movie that he decided to use it every few minutes. I'm not exaggerating. If they change scenes, there is a burst of shock music. If they zoom in on someone's face, it is accompanied by shock music. If the main character reaches for a Kleenex, it definitely calls for shock music. I was baffled when I reached for my coffee and no music played.

Acting wasn't terrible. Plot has been done a thousand times. Main actress is cute. But they should never have let the monkeys into the editing room... the choppy, ham-fisted style ruined even the possibility of a corny B movie and the subsequent laughs.

You've been warned.

CWB