- Mullins: My fear is that I'm gonna put you in a bikini and you'll still look like a fucking bank teller.
- Captain Woods: This job is destroying me... you know how old I am?
- Ashburn: Um... um... 58.
- Captain Woods: I'm 43 years old.
- Ashburn: Uh-huh... see I always round up.
- Captain Woods: I have a five year-old son who calls me Grampa.
- Mullins: [about her comatose brother] It was a terrible resume. He mentioned prison, and in Special Skills he said, Keeping it real.
- Mullins: You want something to eat? I didn't finish my submarine sandwich from the other day.
- Ashburn: Oh god, no thank you.
- Mullins: Sorry I don't have poached eggs and rubies for ya.
- Ashburn: No, I... I don't mean to be rude but one could catch a MRSA infection in here, that's all.
- Mullins: Yeah, what part of that wasn't rude?
- Ashburn: Okay, here we go.
- [Ashburn goes to pull the fire alarm in the club, and the face plate comes off in her hand]
- Ashburn: My God, there are absolutely no wires attached to this thing! And what is that?
- [poking at object in recessed fire alarm box]
- Ashburn: What is that? Gum? Or is that... Silly Putty?
- Mullins: [Slaps Ashburn's hand] Don't touch that! That's a condom.
- Ashburn: [Ashburn dry heaves]
- Jason Mullins: What are you gonna do, storm through Boston and take down a drug lord?
- Mullins: Yeah, I might. Have you met me?
- Jason Mullins: Yeah, unfortunately.
- Ashburn: [Leans in close to talk to Mullins after waking up in a bar] Hey, how ya doin'?
- Mullins: Jesus, you've gotta get a mint in that dumpster.
- Ashburn: Oh, God, was I smoking cigarettes last night?
- Mullins: Yeah, you kept takin' 'em out of people's mouths and smoking them.
- Ashburn: God, that's so nasty.
- Mullins: It *was* pretty gross.
- Mullins: [Walking toward a man on the street] Oh, shit.
- Ashburn: What's wrong?
- Mullins: Just... just don't look. Don't look! Don't look! Just act like we're talking.
- Robin: Hey, Shannon.
- Mullins: Hi, Robin.
- Robin: I really enjoyed our night together, Shannon. You just disappeared on me.
- Mullins: Yeah, I know. I was there.
- Robin: Well, can I take you to dinner? A movie or something?
- Mullins: God, buddy, do you not hear how pathetic everything out of your mouth sounds? I mean, there's a girl out there for you, but it's not... it's not me. Maybe it's her.
- [indicating Ashburn]
- Mullins: Her lady business is like an old dirty attic. Full of broken Christmas lights and like doll shoes and shit. Why don't you clean THAT out for her?
- Ashburn: Uh, that's a... that's a misrepresentation of my vagina.
- Mullins: Get on the ground! You are under arrest. Put your hands up where I can see them and tell me where the fuck Larkin is!
- Dealer: [Cocks gun and points it at Mullins] Hey, I think It'd be much more better if you put your hands up.
- Ashburn: [Cocks gun and points it at dealer] Much more better? Drop the gun and take a grammar course, you idiot.
- Dealer: Who the fuck are you?
- Ashburn: Me and her? We're the fucking heat!
- Levy: Alright, ladies, here's the DNA results from the book of matches and the cigarette butt you got from Tatiana's. We pulled two sets of prints. First one's a real nut job. Look at this: reckless driving, assault, arson...
- [pulls up Mullins' photo on the screen]
- Ashburn: [clears throat]
- Levy: Oh, God.
- Ashburn: Really?
- Mullins: Who the fuck is this guy?
- Ashburn: He's my assistant. What...?
- Levy: Uh, you know I'm an agent, right?
- Ashburn: Arson?
- Mullins: It was a drug house!
- Levy: [Ignored as he holds up his ID badge, whistles, and taps on it]
- Ashburn: I really feel the need to finish reading your files because this is just...
- Mullins: I really feel the need for you to stay out of my business so I don't punch you in the teeth.
- Ashburn: [getting angrier] God, you guys are just - what is the matter with you? You're such... you're just such jerks! You're just such... shit jerk! You're just a shit jerk dick... fucker! You're a shit jerk dick fucker assholer. And you can all just go fuck yourselves!
- Mullins: I see you have a cat.
- Ashburn: Yep.
- Mullins: Is he around? Because I'd kinda like to, you know, pet him and stuff.
- Ashburn: He ran away when I was in New York.
- Mullins: [getting emotional] Oh God, that tears me up.
- Ashburn: Yeah, it was a loss.
- Mullins: The cat got one look at your shitty life and said "no fucking thanks, man. I am outta here."
- Ashburn: I'm still kinda just grieving a little bit about it.
- Mullins: That fucking tabby is an asshole. That's what he is. Fuck you. Fuck you, that's what I say to that cat. God damn it.
- [gives Ashburn a hug]
- Mullins: Such a shitty, shitty little life. You can't even keep a cat.
- Jason Mullins: Welcome home! Are you here to arrest me?
- Mullins: I hope not.
- Jason Mullins: [Looks at Ashburn] Are you selling bibles?
- Mullins: No, she's Ashburn.
- Tatiana: [Mullins throws Tatiana's underwear at her] Don't touch underpants! Get out, bull in china shop! Out of my house! What the fuck's wrong with you?
- Mullins: Tatiana, you ready to get real?
- Tatiana: Let's get real.
- Mullins: We both know you've been blowing shit up your nose all day. Man, there's nothing I'd love more to do than slip into my camisole, put my feet up, have a little smack, Real good time, maybe a couple of cold ones, a little chip and dip, watch some cartoons. I'd get a big bowl of fucking coke, I'd put my face in it, cut it with a little Ritalin, heaven on fucking Earth, right? I'll camp out all week for tickets to that show.
- Ashburn: What is this, Training Day?
- Mullins: [At the albino agent] Oh, all due respect to you, who's your wife? A five-pound bag of flour with a hole in it?
- [Mullins orders a whiskey]
- Club Ekko Bartender: 14 dollars.
- Mullins: 14 dollars? Is it magic fucking whiskey? Do I get a motorcycle with it? Is it gonna be served in Jesus's shoe?
- Ashburn: [referring to Mullins] That officer right there is a better law enforcement officer than *anybody* in this room. Myself included.
- Police Dispatch: Hey Mullins, Captain wants to know what time you're coming in?
- Mullins: Hey you know what? Tell him I'll be there sharply at, uh, go-fuck-yourself o'clock. Okay? If there's no traffic. Thank you.
- Mullins: What're you looking at?
- Chris Gethard: I like how your friend's shorts make me feel in my shorts. I am sorry, that was much cruder than I meant it to be.
- Ashburn: Stand corrected on the shorts. Let's proceed.