Varsity Blood

No matter how hard they try (or don't try) modern slashers can never seem to capture the endearingly innocent goofiness and corniness of the 78-83 era. Varsity Blood is no exception, although to be fair it does at least start in the right gear. The opening few minutes got my hopes up that I was about to witness a retro slasher homage done the right way for once (the killer looked truly hilarious and the film briefly seemed like fun), but it soon shifted gears into snooze-mode.

One of my main problems was the way almost every character garbled their lines out in such a lacklustre way that half of what they said was unintelligible. I don't mind dumb dialogue, in fact I love it, but only when I can make it out. This and the total lack of screen presence of most of the cast, and the fact the plot moved slower than an iceberg chained to a wall made me give up about half way through, which I rarely do. This wasn't insultingly annoying, but should've been much more fun than it was.

Youths from the high school in Hogeye, Texas, celebrate Halloween at an abandoned farmhouse where they're picked off by someone dressed as the mascot of their school, an Indian warrior with hatchets and arrows.

"Varsity Blood" (2014) is a low-budget Indie that harkens back to the slashers of the early 80s with all the tropes thereof. I like the idea of the killer using the mascot costume of the school, which I don't remember being done before. The cheerleaders & friends are attractive in a voluptuous way with only one blonde being the thin stereotype. Lexi Giovagnoli stands out as the doe-eyed protagonist, Hannah, but there are a few other choice females.

The filmmaking is fine, especially considering the micro-budget, but the story perhaps needed more suspense. Still, I was impressed by the all-around quality of the filmmaking. The problem is the wooden acting, which makes it seem like the actors are reading their lines from a teleprompter; not all the time, but often enough that it mars the movie. All writer/director Jake Helgren needed was more professional actors, but he obviously didn't have the money for it.

Nevertheless, if you can acclimate to the stilted tone of the verbiage, this is an entertaining traditional slasher. As usual, some of the characters are repellent, but there are likable (or bearable) ones as well.

The notable football movie "Varsity Blues" (1999) was shot in the same high school where this one was filmed, which happens to be the alma mater of Helgren.

The film runs 1 hour, 27 minutes, and was shot just east of Austin, Texas, in the towns of Elgin, Smithville, Bastrop & McDade. Elgin used to be called Hogeye, the name of the town in the story, but it was changed for obvious reasons.

GRADE: C/C- (4.5/10)

This seems to be done in the same vein as Killer Movie and other C-grade slashers. As in virtually all slasher films, this has the typical boobs, butts, blood, and gore, along with cheesy dialogue. There's one girl who refers to her breasts as "bread" and "butter" because she says they'll make her a lot of money one day. I hope so, because her acting won't, at least not as she's shown in this movie. Yeah, it's done in a tongue-in-cheek type way, but I don't know if it's on purpose, or if it just read better on scrip than it sounds when spoken. "Maybe if someone had a relationship of their own, she wouldn't be so brown-nosed in everybody's s--t," which is said to a black cheerleader, and the girl's response is, "I'm sorry, was that a racial slur?" I guess the writers thought that would be clever or funny, but it was neither, just stupid. Some of the other dialogue, specifically when the "kids" are in the house making a plan to escape the killer is really funny, but I don't think it's intentional.

As for the killer mascot costume, it's more laughable than scary. The mask from Scream was scary. The mask from this movie looks like a discarded prop from the Bozo the Clown series from the early 1980s.

I'm really tired of the cliché movies, especially in horror. One of the things I'm talking about is a 1980s horror cliché of the victim running for their lives, while the killer is merely walking after them. However, the killer still manages to catch up. Silly. It's way past time we put that cliché to rest, but they use it over and over and over again in this movie. In fact, I don't believe the killer ever runs in this film. And something that's almost certainly taken from Scooby Doo is when the killer says "You meddling kids" towards the end. I had to LMAO when that was said. Speaking of the end, if the beginning and middle of the movie wasn't enough to ruin it, that end was just...STUPID with the killer explaining why this was all done.

I gave this a 3-star rating because it was entertaining because of the bad acting from most of the "kids." Even though it was bad acting, it was funny, which made it entertaining to some extent.

Following a highly important football game, players and a group of cheerleaders sneak away to a remote farmhouse to have a special party alone, but when they're trapped and hunted down by a mysterious killer must race to solve their identity and motivation to get away from the house alive.

Overall, this was a pretty solid slasher throwback. One of the better elements here is the fun and straightforward setup that serves as a fun slasher entry. The small-town vibe and historical backstory that is given involving the past tragedy that haunts everyone in the community is a wholly intriguing and worthwhile setup to this one. Putting everything together with the escape attempt known early on for a perfect suspect gives everything quite a lot to like here. From there, the film has some really enjoyable stalking and slashing throughout here. The opening stalking through the gym makes for a fun time, much like the double-ambush knocking off the stragglers at the party. Since this changes things around by making them aware of the killers' presence and tries to get away, the majority of the final half is a fun series of chases around the house, out into the woods and surrounding areas resulting in some creative deaths with lots of nice gore. These are what hold this one up as there are some flaws here. One of the biggest issues here is a somewhat stagnant pace in the first half that tends to focus on introducing everything in the storyline. Getting an idea about the group dynamics and interactions, the different side stories about the history of the town and the various backstories all eat up time here which manages to hold off the group getting to the farmhouse with the backstories taking up a lot of the first half of the film. As well, there's also quite a lot to dislike within the finale where it goes off the rails with some bizarre and unnecessary twists. By being clever with the reveal and motivation, it takes way too much to believe what's going on as this seems incredibly convoluted as a means of trying to buy its actions. That also goes along with a hilariously over-the-top explanation sequence that's chuckle-inducing rather than doing anything clever or scary with this one, holding it back somewhat.

Rated Unrated/R: Graphic Language, Graphic Violence, Nudity, a sex scene and drug use.

The low budget horror flick could've been campy and mixed horror and humor, but this highschool cheerleader and jock killing spree was just really really bad.