Bikini Spring Break

This movie's plot line makes no sense, the acting is terrible all the girls are stupid but one. Has lots of breast action and little else. Although I will say they did not take the nudity too far and relied on the terrible acting to carry a good chunk of the movie. Thankfully Robert Carradine shows up and steals every scene he is in. This would be a higher ranking movie if they had the money to pay him for more scenes.

So how do I review this movie? Well it is what it is and for that it is a load of fun (no pun intended). These movies have been made before and will be again. This is a better than average version. If you like this kind of movie it is worth the watch. Judging it for what it is I give it a 5. If you just want to veg and watch a movie with just enough nudity to keep your attention without really having to think, well there you go.

For it's genre it's not bad. The group of women on their journey to the band competition are all attractive -- a couple are insanely hot but the director, DP, and editor did them no justice and should quit the industry. Great T&A -- which should be one of only two reasons to watch it.

I mentioned genre and I hate to use that word because it implies that the work is somehow comparable to what Netflix refers to as "Late Night Comedies." The more raunchy Skin-a-Max type of film. The script for this was weak but mostly fit the bill.

My problem was with continuity. You could be making a student film with that hot goth girl who acts totally disinterested but secretly obsesses with seeing herself on camera and still get the freaking continuity down. The direction and editing were amateurish, at best. The acting was so-so although I have to say Rachel Alig stands out. It's a shame she didn't get a better script.

If you are bored at night and don't want to watch another end-of-the- world documentary then this is an acceptable substitute. Otherwise, I'd pass.

Bikini Spring Break doesn't reach the atrocious depths that Celebrity Sex Tape and especially Sex Pot fell into. It is still a dire movie though, in fact none of the Asylum teen comedies are remotely good with Barely Legal being the least bad(and personal ranking for that movie was 3/10). The only things that stop Bikini Spring Break from being rated any lower are Robert Carradine, the best and only actor in the movie to reach decent level and the beauty of Rachel Alig. Other than that the acting is just awful, there is next to no knack for comic timing and like the other teen comedies from the Asylum the girls are hot but their acting talents certainly do not match. That's not all that bad in Bikini Spring Break. The characters are not interesting or likable in the slightest and are just plain obnoxious. The dialogue is the very meaning of crass and unfunny as well as unbelievably stupid. The story just isn't there and is little more than an excuse to string along tired comedy and nudity scenes, never does it seem to go anywhere. The direction also seems to be non-existent, it reads of just do what you think you can do best and we'll capture it on screen quality, and seems to be reliant on the actors rather than the dialogue. Seeing as the acting is bad, that was a failure. The production values look cheap, the scenery and lighting look over-saturated and plastic-looking, and the editing was clearly done by an amateur. The soundtrack and such is not particularly memorable and does very little in driving the movie, it just seems...there for the sake of having to be there. All in all, not the worst of the Asylum teen comedies but still dire. 2/10 Bethany Cox

Probably the most interesting fact about the film is that Robert Carradine is in it and in the same year he appeared in this awful movie, he also had a role in Django Unchained. I used to think Rena Riffel's double was the most impressive thing in Hollywood (Showgirls and Striptease) but the fact Carradine appeared in one movie with the likes of Leonardo DiCaprio, Jamie Foxx and Samuel L. Jackson and direction from Quentin Tarentino and then appeared in this film with a bunch of Hollywood lookalikes (one actress looked like a taller, healthier Selena Gomez, another may be a Jennifer Lawrence clone) in the same year is mind-boggling.

Unlike, say, The 18 Year-Old Virgin or Barely Legal (quickly becoming a personal cult classic), Bikini Spring Break features zero appealing characters, a plot full of holes, non-existent acting and awful pacing. Scenes go on forever, the personalities show zero character development and there's little logic. Just lots of bare breasts.

The actresses playing these one-dimensional characters pretty much play their real-life selves. I saw the movie as a slice of reality of the mind-sets of dumb bimbos than actresses portraying said bimbos.

The threadbare plot sees these moronic beauties driving from Los Angeles to Miami for a Marching Band contest and having their bus break down in Daytona, where they go through the same stuff we've seen for 30-40 years. Nothing ground breaking. Carradine plays their teacher who bravely tries to make the most of his role in order to salvage something when he showed up on to the set of Django Unchained to be ridiculed for appearing in BSP.

There are better raunchy comedies from The Asylum. Unless you can't get enough of bare breasts, pass.

Add or or two starts if you are watching it late at night, changing channels while doing so, only watch a few decent segments (like the beginning locker room scene) or are drunk.

This is not high art. It is boring in large doses. But, relatively painless in small doses and a few of the women are nice on the eyes as well as pleasant enough actresses. And, you have Robert Carradine who earns his paycheck while mostly retaining his dignity.

A few reviews gave this a crummy rating. But, really, what does one expect of this sort of straight to um DVD / cable stuff? On a curve, I'd give it three stars.