- Mr. Krabs: The Krabby Patty is what ties us all together! Without it, there will be a complete breakdown of social order! A war of all against all! Dark times are ahead! Dark times indeed!
- [He collapses to the ground, sobbing]
- Squidward Tentacles: Seriously? Aren't you overreacting a bit?
- [Scene changes to Mr. Krabs, Squidward and the Bikini Bottom citizens wearing bad clothes and the citizens ran away, screaming in the ruins of Bikini Bottom]
- Mr. Krabs: Welcome to the apocalypse, Mr. Squidward. I hope you like leather.
- Squidward Tentacles: I prefer suede.
- Fish: Alright, all secondary characters, come with me.
- [Plankton tiptoes across the Chum Bucket to get the key from a sleeping Patrick, who is the guard holding Karen prisoner. As he tiptoes, typical cartoon tiptoe sounds happen with each step he takes. Patrick tosses and turns in his chair. As Plankton stops and wonders to himself about the sound, the music keeps going. He looks up and sees SpongeBob playing a tiny piano]
- Plankton: Will you stop playing that tiny piano? You're gonna get us caught!
- [SpongeBob stops playing and hides the tiny piano behind his back with a nervous grin on his face]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: [whispering] Sorry.
- [from trailer]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Alright, here comes the pain!
- Burger-Beard: Hah!
- [He opens a hatch and many cannons came out of the front hatch]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Ah!
- Plankton: That ain't good.
- [He fires a cannon ball at SpongeBob, but it goes in a bubble. He fires more cannon balls, then SpongeBob as the Invincibubble gets them in many bubbles]
- Patrick Star: They're beautiful.
- [He pops a bubble, then a cannon ball lands on his face]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Mr. Superawesomeness, take him down.
- [Patrick uses his mind to summon ice cream. Thunder crashes as he holds them, and... he starts eating them]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Maybe, we should've picked a better superpower for you, Patrick.
- [Patrick is hitting his rock home with the word "grandma" on the bottom with a hammer]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick, what are you doing?
- Patrick Star: Vandalizing stuff.
- Plankton: Isn't that your house?
- Patrick Star: SpongeBob!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick?
- Patrick Star: Talk to me, buddy.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm seeing a bright light.
- Patrick Star: [blocking the sun] Is this better?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Much. Thank you. But the discomfort I feel in my eyes is nothing compared to the shame I feel for letting down the Patty. For letting down Bikini Bottom.
- Patrick Star: Yeah, SpongeBob, you really blew it.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: No, Patrick, we blew it as a team.
- Patrick Star: Nope. This one's on you.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Cotton candy.
- Sandy Cheeks: If you ate all of that, you'll have enough energy to run around the whole world.
- [SpongeBob and Patrick eat the cotton candy, and start laughing as they seem to run around the world... which turns out to be Sandy switching postcards for a background]
- Sandy Cheeks: Ahh! When is the sugar gonna wear off?
- [SpongeBob and Patrick fall on their faces. Squidward looks relieved]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: We'll take one secret formula to go. Clear the area, citizens! There's gonna be some serious aft-kicking here!
- [while SpongeBob struggles to get the formula from Past Plankton...]
- Past SpongeBob: If you're from the future, what am I going to say next?
- Plankton: Something moronic?
- Past SpongeBob: Wow.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: A giant hairy porpoise - beached! It's suffering. The poor thing.
- Mr. Krabs: We need to get these guys back in the water.
- Sandy Cheeks: Y'all, those ain't porpoises...
- Mr. Krabs: All hands on deck!
- [the guys rush towards the man, not listening to Sandy]
- Sandy Cheeks: Oh, brother...
- [the gang tries to roll the man in the ocean, but he lands on them in the sand]
- Squidward Tentacles: Well, I guess this is where that horrible smell was coming from.
- [SpongeBob and Plankton struggle over the Secret Formula]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Give me that!
- Plankton: Come on, SpongeBob, join me and we'll be rich and powerful until I eventually betray you! Join me!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: No! Never! I'm on Team Krabs for life!
- Mr. Krabs: [wrenching the metal shutters open to get in] Plaaaanktoooooonnnn!
- [SpongeBob and Plankton continue to struggle for the formula. Suddenly, it disappears into thin air. SpongeBob and Plankton stand there in shock, arms still reaching out at the space where the bottle should have been]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: What? Where'd it go?
- Plankton: [in thought] Wait a minute, molecular deconstruction? I proved that to be a scientific impossibility seven times!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: [in thought] Wait a minute, I think I forgot to empty Gary's litter box today.
- [SpongeBob and the gang look around the beach in wonder]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Whoa! What is this place?
- Mr. Krabs: I have a bad feeling about this.
- [Patrick sees the foot of a sleeping beachgoer]
- Patrick Star: Maybe, this guys knows where we are. He looks smart. He's got five heads.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: [to the foot] Um, sir, can you tell us where to find the Krabby Patty?
- Patrick Star: Hey! My friend is talking to you.
- [He taps the foot several times]
- Squidward Tentacles: Mr. Krabs, the customers are getting restless.
- [the customers are yelling "refunds!"]
- Mr. Krabs: Listen up, boy, get in there and make me customers some Krabby Patties. Now, Plankto-
- [He notices that Plankton has escaped. Meanwhile, at the vault, SpongeBob screams like a girl when he finds out there are no Krabby Patties there. Mr. Krabs scuttles over to see SpongeBob standing at the vault and shaking like a leaf]
- Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! What's wrong, boy?
- [He opens the freezer door a little, and screams like a girl as well]
- Mr. Krabs: We're out of Krabby Patties?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: How can we make more Krabby Patties without the secret formula?
- Mr. Krabs: You've got to have that formuler memorized by now.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: But as you are aware, sir, the Employee Handbook clearly states, and I quote, "No employee may in part, or in whole, commit the Krabby Patty secret formula to any recorded, written, or visual form, including memories, dreams, and/or needlepoint".
- Mr. Krabs: [sobbing] Oh, curse you, fine print!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: We'll take one secret formula to go! Clear the area, citizens. There's gonna be some serious aft kicking here.
- [a boy takes a picture of SpongeBob and his friends on his phone]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Sour Note!
- [Squidward magically unleashes a clarinet and starts playing, which sends soundwaves that send Burger-Beard's customers covering their ears and fleeing]
- Burger-Beard: No, wait, wait! Customers! No wait, please!
- [from trailer]
- Squidward Tentacles: Look at me, I'm a god.
- Burger-Beard: Hah!
- [He throws six soda plastic rings on Squidward's nose, and Squidward tries to take it off]
- Squidward Tentacles: What is this diabolical thing?
- [as Squidward becomes tangled in the soda rings, a girl on a sidewalk takes a picture of Squidward on her phone]
- [Patrick looks at a girl holding an ice cream cone with three scoops]
- Patrick Star: Where have you been all my life?
- [He starts eating the girl's three scoops of ice cream]
- Burger-Beard: What are you doing with me formula?
- Burger-Beard: You mean...
- [He reveals the formula]
- Burger-Beard: *me* formula!
- Mr. Krabs: Where's me formula, Plankton?
- Plankton: I... I don't know. It just disappeared.
- Mr. Krabs: Why should I believe you, you lying liar?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Normally, I'd agree with you, Mr. Krabs, but this time, he's telling the truth! It just vanished!
- Plankton: It's true!
- Patrick Star: What's the secret password?
- SpongeBob SquarePants, Plankton: Uuuhhhh...
- Patrick Star: Correct! It is you! SpongeBob!
- [He greets SpongeBob with a flying tackle]
- [SpongeBob laughs while Plankton is taped on Mr. Krabs' desk]
- Plankton: Oooooooooowwwwwww! Oh, make it stop, Krabs! Make it stop!
- [Patrick dangles off of the edge of a cliff while pelicans squawk at him]
- Patrick Star: I want a new team! This one's broken!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: I'll rock him while you read him a bedtime story.
- Plankton: Uh... Once upon a time there was a big pink fat idiot who went to sleep. The End!
- Patrick Star: Nice try, but it's gonna take more than that to-
- [Patrick is out like a light]
- [from trailer]
- Burger-Beard: At last. It is mine!
- [He takes a magic book from a skeleton pirate]
- Burger-Beard: With this magic book, any evil plan I write comes true. But to harness it's power, I need the final page that is protected deep below the surface by one legendary hero.
- [from TV spot]
- [Patrick throws a giant jar of mayonnaise and lands in the middle of the ground as Plankton's battle tank gets stuck in the mayonnaise]
- Plankton: Oh, shrimp.
- [Plankton's battle tank explodes]
- [from TV spot]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Look out!
- [a boy on his skateboard hits a pole and falls down]
- Sandy Cheeks: Aw, nuts!
- [Plankton trembles as he's taped to Mr. Krabs' desk]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Mr. Krabs, I'm telling you, he's innocent.
- Plankton: What are you going to do, Krabs? Pour hot oil on me, or put bamboo shoots under my nails?
- Mr. Krabs: No.
- [a nasty smile forms on his face]
- Mr. Krabs: Knock knock.
- Plankton: [confused] Knock knock jokes?
- [He smiles, not in the least bit intimidated]
- Plankton: I could do this all day, Krabs.
- Mr. Krabs: [sternly] Knock knock.
- Plankton: Oh, boy. Who's there?
- Mr. Krabs: Jimmy.
- Plankton: Jimmy who?
- Mr. Krabs: Jimmy BACK MY FORMULER, PLANKTON!
- Plankton: Well, that's stupid, but how is that torture?
- Mr. Krabs: Hee hee hee. You'll see.
- [Mr. Krabs puts on headphones]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Jimmy, back my formula, hmm. Ooooooooh, I get it!
- [SpongeBob starts laughing. Planton screams. Mr. Krabs grins smugly while he wears the headphones]
- Plankton: Oh make it stop Krabs, make it stop!
- [last lines; as Bubbles comes out after the Spongebob Squarepants theme]
- Bubbles: That was... pretty good, actually.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Now all we need is some ink!
- [a splat is heard offscreen]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh. Which Squidward has helpfully provided.
- Squidward Tentacles: It happens when I'm nervous.
- [from TV spot]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: We're putting a team together.
- Patrick Star: Ooh, pick me!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: To the surface!
- Burger-Beard: Once upon a time, under the sea, there was a little town called Bikini Bottom. In this town there was a place called the Krusty Krab, where folks would come and eat a thing called a Krabby Patty. Every greasy spoon has a fry cook and the one who worked here was named SpongeBob SquarePants.
- [SpongeBob and Plankton's time machine surfaces in a dark area with its reflection underneath. SpongeBob opens the curtain and sets foot in the area. The moment he does, it lights up, revealing that it is a large, triangular corridor. At the end of the corridor is Bubbles, watching the void of space between Saturn and Jupiter through a large, inter-dimensional portal]
- SpongeBob: I think we may be lost in time, Plankton. Maybe we should ask this guy for directions.
- [walks up behind Bubbles]
- SpongeBob: Excuse me, sir. Can you tell us when we are?
- Bubbles: Who dares disturb the one who watches?
- SpongeBob: The one who watches? Your name is The One Who Watches?
- Bubbles: No! My true name is...
- [turns around to reveal he is a dolphin]
- Bubbles: Bubbles.
- Plankton: Bubbles?
- [laughs]
- Plankton: What kind of a name is Bubbles?
- Bubbles: It is my ancient dolphin name.
- SpongeBob: So what's a dolphin doing out here in the middle of space?
- Bubbles: My kind have been watching and protecting the galaxy for...
- [clicks]
- Bubbles: Hmm. Ten thousand years!
- SpongeBob: Oh, so you're the one keeping the meteors from hitting us.
- Bubbles: Yes, I am. And I could really do with a potty break. Would you mind keeping an eye on things?
- [swims away toward the restroom]
- SpongeBob: Sure thing.
- [calling after Bubbles]
- SpongeBob: But, uh, WHAT am I keeping my eye on?
- [Bubbles enters the restroom, closing the door behind him. SpongeBob approaches the portal and begins watching the void of space between Saturn and Jupiter]
- Plankton: What are you doing?
- SpongeBob: I'm watching.
- Plankton: We don't even know what we're watching for.
- SpongeBob: Maybe we should split up the workload.
- [points to Jupiter]
- SpongeBob: You watch the one with the big, red eye.
- [points to Saturn]
- SpongeBob: And I'll watch the one with the ringy thingies. Like a team!
- [SpongeBob and Plankton begin to watch together. However, the planets begin to move toward each other]
- Plankton: Okay, mine's moving.
- SpongeBob: Mine, too.
- Plankton: No, this doesn't seem right. Should we call Bubbles?
- SpongeBob: Let's give him a minute. He's been holding it for 10,000 years.
- [the planets smash into each other, causing an explosion of rocks all over the place. SpongeBob gasps]
- SpongeBob: I'm pretty sure that wasn't supposed to happen!
- [frantically picks up several rocks and tries to sweep them under the floor with a broom]
- SpongeBob: Come on, Plankton, we've gotta clean this up before Bubbles gets back!
- [Bubbles exits the restroom trailing toilet paper]
- Bubbles: Ahh, much better, yes.
- [approaches SpongeBob and Plankton]
- Bubbles: You two are free to go.
- [SpongeBob throws the broom away and smiles nervously. Bubbles looks at the planets and sees that they are severely damaged]
- Bubbles: What happened to Saturn and Jupiter?
- [Saturn's rings crack, fall off and shatter off-camera]
- Bubbles: You were supposed to...
- [clicks repeatedly, clears his throat, then clicks some more]
- Bubbles: Keep them from smashing into each other!
- SpongeBob: Sorry.
- Bubbles: Now...
- [clicks]
- Bubbles: I am going to lose my job!
- [enraged]
- Bubbles: And you... will lose your lives.
- [fires lasers out of his blowhole. SpongeBob and Plankton bolt for the time machine]
- SpongeBob: Quarter me!
- [Plankton hands SpongeBob a quarter, but Bubbles shoots a laser that trips SpongeBob and sends him and Plankton flying. They land directly in the time machine, and the quarter rolls right in front of the time machine. SpongeBob reaches under the curtain, grabs the quarter, and reels his hand back in right before Bubbles lasers it]
- [Plankton launches an assault on the Krusty Krab by flying in on his airplane]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: He's closing in!
- Patrick Star: I think we have a few minutes before he gets here.
- [SpongeBob flips the binoculars over]
- Patrick Star: Aaahhh! He's right on top of us!
- [from TV spot]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Maybe, you should get that checked out.
- Patrick Star: [His eyes are holed by the cannonball] Why?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: If we're gonna be on the same team...
- Plankton: Maybe i don't wanna be on the te-am! You think of that?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: But Plankton everything's best when your part of a team.
- [the Ecstasy of Gold starts to play]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Look at me. Why, I've become like all of you. Savage. Fear-ridden. Selfish. An entire town of formerly good citizens, turned into heartless freaks, bent on their own self-prever... Self-preter...
- Fish: 'Preservation'?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Yes! We've become alienated from each other. Each one an island unto himself, concerned only with ourselves. And in the name of all fishhood, I am not about to let that happen!
- [He tears off a piece of a crowd member's shirt and wears it like a bandana]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: And so, if a sacrifice is needed to restore Bikini Bottom to its former glory... then I am willing to take one for the team.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Your order, sir?
- [cut to Sandy at the drive-thru]
- Sandy Cheeks: I'll have two Krabby Patties: extra ketchup, extra mustard, and hold the mayo.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Wrong channel!
- [He redials the telephone]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Your order, sir?
- Mr. Krabs: Extra ketchup, extra mustard, hold the mayo!
- Plankton: What don't you comprehend?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: But working together is the key. Nothing's impossible when it's you and me!
- Plankton: I'm doing just fine on my own.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Work is no fun when you do it alone!
- Plankton: If I want it done right, I'll do it by myself!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: But what if you need something on a higher shelf?
- Plankton: But-I'm-the-target-of-a-very-scary-crazy-post-apocalyptic-mob!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Well, that's exactly why you need a partner helping you with this important job! I'll be the hammer, and you'll be the nail. I'll be the boat, and you'll be the sail! I'm the flower, you're the aroma!
- Plankton: Right now I wish I was in a coma!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Come on! I'm here for you, and you're here for me! It's better when you, plus me, equals we! Working together in harmony!
- [chorus joins]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Side by side, we can reach our dreams, 'cause nothing's impossible, when we're a team!
- Plankton: Alright, you can put me down.
- Patrick Star: Justice is best soft served.
- [He launches the ice cream at Burger-Beard]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick, I should've never doubted about your super powers.
- [Burger-Beard dodges and Patrick gets pummelled by his own ammunition]
- Patrick Star: I can't think of a sweeter way to go.