Chastity Bites

Yeah, you read that heading correctly, one of the main leads has ink penned flower pedals drawn on her pimples on her face. Not just one either, but all over like toppings on a pizza. Wtf... This is just another bad cookie cutter character really just pushing political BS down your throat easily forgotten really just wish had never been made garbage movie. Skip it.

Right, well the 2013 horror comedy "Chastity Bites" from writer Lotti Pharriss Knowles and director John V. Knowles was a movie that had eluded me entirely. I happened to stumble upon the movie by random chance here in 2024, and given it being a horror comedy that I hadn't already seen, of course I found the time to sit down and watch it.

While the movie certainly was watchable, I was left with a sense of 'was that really it?' once the movie came to an end. It felt somewhat forgettable, so I hadn't exactly been missing out on a particularly stellar horror comedy experience here. So writer Lotti Pharriss Knowles didn't really manage to win me over with the script delivered for director John V. Knowles to bring to the screen.

The acting performances in the movie were good. I wasn't familiar with a single actress or actor on the cast list, and that is actually something I enjoy. Why? Well, then there are no associations to previously portrayed characters in other movies. And it is always enjoyable to get to watch new and unfamiliar talents on the screen.

Visually, then "Chastity Bites" wasn't outstanding. Not that it was not good, but there just wasn't any real special effects in the movie of noteworthy mentioning.

Watchable, sure, but hardly a memorable horror comedy movie. And this is not a movie that will ever find its way back a second time to my screen.

My rating of "Chastity Bites" lands on a flat five out of ten stars.

Poor Allison Scagliotti, she can actually act and gets handed a horrible script like that. Still, she made the film watchable, if not for the fact that she brought her A-Game to it, then just because she's simply dripping in fun, watchable, charisma.

Unfortunately, that's not enough to save it. Most all the other actors were as flat as Illinois.

What should have been a fun cliche movie was just hampered by a bad cast, horrible political diatribes that were supposed to be character development but just came across as extremely dated after only 6 years, and jokes that either didn't land because of the delivery or simply weren't funny to begin with.

But...if you are an Allison Scagliotti fan, it's worth the watch if for no reason than to pray that she lands better roles.

Even since the original 'Scream' film back in 1997, it's been popular for horror films to kind of parody themselves and point out their own clichés while satirising the genre. Sometimes it works well, as in 'Cabin in the Woods' while other times it kind of falls a bit flat. Here, in 'Chastity Bites,' it sadly falls into the latter. We open in a high school where a clique of (stereotypical, if you've seen any teen movie ever – horror, or otherwise) 'popular' girls rules the class with their status and, of course, shallowness. The two – equally clichéd – unpopular girls (who dress conservatively and don't want to jump into bed with the first high school jock who takes off his football helmet) walk around discussing poetry, philosophy and generally do their best to show us – the audience – how downtrodden and relatable they are. Then a – clichéd British – villain comes along in the form of a woman who teaches the virtues of chastity to the young, who wants spokespeople to promote her cause. Naturally, the vacuous 'popular' bimbos all sign up (despite their blatant lack of respect for the rules). However, we quickly discover that this woman has a darker motive and wants to suck the souls of the young (or something). She's a baddie – that's all you need to know and it's up to the unpopular duo to 'out' her terrible scheme.

So, it's a kind of 'teenagers versus evil' kind of affair and, like I say, it kind of knows it's a bit dumb and does its best to play up to that fact so that it never takes itself too seriously. It does this by attempting to satirise today's obsession with beauty and social standing among teens (and in some cases adults!). This could work, but sadly it's just not 'fresh' enough to really say anything new or in a different way than we've already seen before (and better). Allison Scagliotti (most famous for her awesomely cool performance as 'Claudia' in 'Warehouse 13') is the lead and she does her best to use her natural quirky charm to good effect. However, the script just isn't up to her talent and the jokes start to fall flat while the whole thing descends into predictability.

It may be a young adult horror/comedy, but it's not really funny enough to be a straight out comedy and there isn't enough gore to really make it that bloodthirsty. They even try to throw in one of the most forced love interest sub-plots ever seen in cinema. The male love interest only occupies a few scenes of screen time and could have been done away with all together and you'd never notice.

You know a film is getting desperate when you see all the visual promotional advertising surrounding the film depicts shots of girls in short 'fantasy' schoolgirl costumes. I can promise you nothing like this ever appears in the film itself! All together it's just a missed opportunity to say something worthwhile about a facet of popular culture than needs a bit of mainstream debunking. Avoid. You won't miss much. Sorry Allison – you were brilliant in 'Warehouse 13.'

It's watchable, but the political messaging is obvious and heavy, and the insane amount of shallow stereotyping is gratuitous. Liberal though I am, the far left messaging was cringe.

It was a great idea for a movie, but it definitely fell short.