Chastity Bites

When their school is invaded by a foreign woman, a student and her friend uncover the true meaning of her push for chastity in the local population when she turns out to be an immortal bloodsucker intending to use the students in a special, diabolic ceremony.

This is actually quite a profound and problematic entry that seems to have a lot going for it both ways. One of the biggest issues against it is the fact that there's just no end to the rather lame comedy that runs through this, since it tends to think that the humor derives from the social about-face many of the women portray themselves to be, being in a club intended to push virginity and chasteness among the local kids but being the biggest sluts on campus when no one's looking, and that humor tends to get old very quickly since it's not a funny joke to begin with. That it thinks otherwise means that the large majority of time here is spent doing this without offering a lot of humor on other topics while the film's other topic of concern, how her rampant bloodlust is mistaken for the eccentricities of European society is nowhere near original or clever and makes them out to be even more clueless than they really need to be. It all makes for rather enjoyable teen-comedy tropes that work well with the influx of the burgeoning horror found in the true identity angle that slowly works its way into the later half, but that doesn't mean the rest of the time is all that enjoyable. It's only when it starts being a little more serious with the house raid to uncover the secret ceremony does it all work out in the end with a strong assault that includes numerous encounters with her protectors and the final battle itself, which does make for a rather enjoyable enough time even if there's a lot of problems with it.

Rated R: Graphic Violence, Graphic Language and continuous sexual topics.

It's watchable, but the political messaging is obvious and heavy, and the insane amount of shallow stereotyping is gratuitous. Liberal though I am, the far left messaging was cringe.

It was a great idea for a movie, but it definitely fell short.

It's not very often a film takes you by surprise without resorting to clichés and wasted potential when there's so much or little to follow. Most films these days that attempt to pay homage by 'spoofing' or other forms of respect aren't always executed properly. But in this case, Chastity Bites attempts something different at its best but still has some hiccups that prevents it from being the most ingenious out of the many creations that either feels rehashed or incomplete.

The story follows a writer named Leah that becomes suspicious of a newly profound abstinence educator that schemes an army of virgins to please her vicious desires to collect blood to contain her youth. Of course convincing the entire school would be harder than assassinating an immortal masked murderer, but this doesn't seem like a heavy situation as Leah decides to take matters into her own hands to save her companion in time before she too is slaughtered like other unfortunate victims in their prime.

The film is assembled with a cast that does all of their parts well but also suffers from having some that feel either very unused or simply there to suffer their demise. If we spent more time with some of the characters and the film had taken a darker turn where it felt less like an outdated sitcom, perhaps it would have succeeded more where other films with a similar premise didn't. However, complete credibility for effort to everyone and what it tried is surely due and this film can still be considerably an enjoyable presentation if you can extract the lack of tension and some goofy elements that some may find very distracting.

For that, let's enjoy this cup of virgin blood that tastes a little like water for what it's worth and not less of what it could have been.

Yeah, you read that heading correctly, one of the main leads has ink penned flower pedals drawn on her pimples on her face. Not just one either, but all over like toppings on a pizza. Wtf... This is just another bad cookie cutter character really just pushing political BS down your throat easily forgotten really just wish had never been made garbage movie. Skip it.

Even since the original 'Scream' film back in 1997, it's been popular for horror films to kind of parody themselves and point out their own clichés while satirising the genre. Sometimes it works well, as in 'Cabin in the Woods' while other times it kind of falls a bit flat. Here, in 'Chastity Bites,' it sadly falls into the latter. We open in a high school where a clique of (stereotypical, if you've seen any teen movie ever – horror, or otherwise) 'popular' girls rules the class with their status and, of course, shallowness. The two – equally clichéd – unpopular girls (who dress conservatively and don't want to jump into bed with the first high school jock who takes off his football helmet) walk around discussing poetry, philosophy and generally do their best to show us – the audience – how downtrodden and relatable they are. Then a – clichéd British – villain comes along in the form of a woman who teaches the virtues of chastity to the young, who wants spokespeople to promote her cause. Naturally, the vacuous 'popular' bimbos all sign up (despite their blatant lack of respect for the rules). However, we quickly discover that this woman has a darker motive and wants to suck the souls of the young (or something). She's a baddie – that's all you need to know and it's up to the unpopular duo to 'out' her terrible scheme.

So, it's a kind of 'teenagers versus evil' kind of affair and, like I say, it kind of knows it's a bit dumb and does its best to play up to that fact so that it never takes itself too seriously. It does this by attempting to satirise today's obsession with beauty and social standing among teens (and in some cases adults!). This could work, but sadly it's just not 'fresh' enough to really say anything new or in a different way than we've already seen before (and better). Allison Scagliotti (most famous for her awesomely cool performance as 'Claudia' in 'Warehouse 13') is the lead and she does her best to use her natural quirky charm to good effect. However, the script just isn't up to her talent and the jokes start to fall flat while the whole thing descends into predictability.

It may be a young adult horror/comedy, but it's not really funny enough to be a straight out comedy and there isn't enough gore to really make it that bloodthirsty. They even try to throw in one of the most forced love interest sub-plots ever seen in cinema. The male love interest only occupies a few scenes of screen time and could have been done away with all together and you'd never notice.

You know a film is getting desperate when you see all the visual promotional advertising surrounding the film depicts shots of girls in short 'fantasy' schoolgirl costumes. I can promise you nothing like this ever appears in the film itself! All together it's just a missed opportunity to say something worthwhile about a facet of popular culture than needs a bit of mainstream debunking. Avoid. You won't miss much. Sorry Allison – you were brilliant in 'Warehouse 13.'