Apocrypha

Little known but pertinent fact: Apocrypha director Michael Fredinelli is related to Tony Fredianelli, a guitarist whose most prominent gig was in Third Eye Blind but whose real work happened in the late 80s as the guitarist for a speed metal outfit called, jeez, Apocrypha. Now, allegory's the cheapest form of analysis, but considering the movie's focus on the landscapes and destroyed minds of California, we could easily see the movie's exercises in style as a knowing chastisement for sell-outs.

The common intertexts for the film seem to be somewhere between Martin and The Addiction. But I'd make a wager that the director will likely find annoying and say that Twilight's the key intertext. That's not to say that Fredianelli and Reichmuth's script apes that series' Teen Heart Street logic. But no one can deny that the use of color correction here definitely echoes the cinematography in that run of recent Pacific Northwest vampire movies. The thing is, though, this movie doesn't take place in the Pacific Northwest, and that makes all the difference. The characters profess an aversion to the sun, but a pair of shades helps the situation. It's almost as though these characters have seen too much sun, have been around a crumbling culture of go-getters so long that their vision, along with their behavior, has been irrevocably turned as a result.

The movie's slow build in its first half hour allows for these kinds of reflections, but in terms of narrative, we meet with the most polished yet of Wild Dogs' classically-focused efforts. The ebb and flow of the narrative works well here, supplying the familiarities of the genre with the occasional shift in approach. There are some stock elements that fall flat (the fortune teller business seemed particularly convenient to connect disparate plot elements, and the CG is obviously a bit limited (about half of the scenes with vampire ephemera are effective; those with CG eyes end up being a tid silly by default). If nothing else, we can see Apocrypha as navigating a very tricky balance (that same tricky balance that Hawks, Fuller, Ray, Peckinpah, and others tried) riding between a hyper-codified classical aesthetic and interstices of personal investment. It may be far from Fredianelli's masterpiece, but in terms of expressing a state of being, we can see here a singular talent at work at a very particular moment in both popular culture and, in a sense, in the development of a directorial personality.

Let's not pull any punches: from the very start, the dialogue is bad. The scene writing is bad. The characters, direction, and acting are bad. The cinematography is flat; the production values are painfully barefaced; the audio is glaring and sound effects are bewilderingly exaggerated. Blunt, gawky, heavy-handed, insipid, tedious, floundering, actively aggravating. Tiresomely referential dialogue, ableist dialogue, sexist dialogue, light treatment of alcoholism, outrageously selective and haphazard portrayal of "amnesia," and more. This seems to have been the first writing credit for Kat Reichmuth, (and only second acting credit), so I can't blame her too much; this seems to have been several credits in for Michael Fredianelli, in every regard, so I can blame him plenty, such as for utterly egregiously plot development. 'Apocrypha' is astonishingly weak and dull, and just plain terrible, in every single capacity.

There are ideas here, yes. There are no ideas here that you can't find elsewhere, utilized in much better ways without the dumbfounding flaws and shortcomings. The list of people or production companies that have made better movies includes The Asylum, Uwe Boll, and even Screenager Productions and Uncork'd Entertainment. It was only a masochistic sense of commitment that allowed me to keep this on, because in every meaningful fashion it's flagrantly amateurish, sloppy, hackneyed, juvenile, unbelievable, half-witted, bumbling, and horrid. It's proof positive of the conventional wisdom "just because you can, doesn't mean you should," because Fredianelli and Reichmuth should not have made this film, and they especially shouldn't have made it widely available for other people to watch online. One might argue that the feature finds a tad more strength in the back end, but that's still effectively multiplying by zero.

There's nothing more to say. No one should ever watch this. 'Apocrypha' is empty-headed, tawdry rubbish, and these are 103 minutes of my life that I'll never get back. Avoid.

Wow, the first so many minutes are terrible. I suspect they shot this in order as it got better as it went on. Truly should have reshot those early bits or just cut them out.

The antagonist Griffith, portrayed by an off-brand blend of Nicholas Cage and John Cusack, was apparently magically attractive to women, so much that he can say obnoxious and insulting comments and somehow still bed a woman, all while making eyes with another woman.

Woman: I want more tempura.

Griffith: I wouldn't suggest it.

Woman: Why not?

Griffith: Well, because you haven't even finished what you have on your plate there.

Woman: I'm gonna eat it all.

Griffith: Besides, you could afford to lose about 10 pounds.

Woman: Excuse me?

Griffith: Well, you've got a bit of a paunch. I mean, nothing serious, but you might as well take care of it now before it's too late.

Woman: You're an *******. I want to go home.

Griffith: Oh, your place? I was thinking the same thing.

Woman: Call me a cab, I'm not hungry anymore.

Griffith: Come on, lighten up, okay? No one is actually having a good time.

Woman: Really?

Griffith: You don't want to ruin my evening, now, do you?

Woman: I, I guess not.

Griffith: Of course, you don't. See, you're actually a sweet girl. Don't sell yourself short. So, your place?

Woman: Yeah. You drive.

That was within the first 10 minutes. It's also pretty much the introduction to the main character, portrayed by the writer/director/actor himself.

The sound design is amateur, sounds looping on repeat with no variation. Further, the therapist seemed to have been miked-up with a body mic as the sound of his scruff against his collar kept showing up in one scene.

The dialog delivered robotically at first, but with time it seems the cast settles into the production.

The framing of some shots was questionable. Some blocking poorly thought out. The midpoint chase scene stood out as some of the best camerawork.

The best performance seemed to come from William McMichael as Jan. His hair is amazing, it looks like the guy from the 80s cop-parody show Sledge Hammer who once broken the bristles off his hairbrush when trying to brush his shellacked pompadour.

The funniest part was the reaction shots from Jerimiah the cat. I don't think it was meant to be funny. The second funniest part was the room full of chairs, and then a single chair in the middle of a room placed just so it can be knocked over. I do think that was intentional and well played.

I'm most curious about the hotel room that Griffith calls home. Was this just an easy location that cost less, or was he legitimately supposed to be successful and living out of a hotel?

The story was fine, and I commend them for seeing this through. It's not easy to pull a feature together, so good on them. Early on, it felt like it was heading into the weird space Vampire's Kiss resides, but it calmed down and became of a more traditional drama.

When I heard about Fredianelli doing a vampire movie, I knew it wasn't gonna be no TWILIGHT (despite the box-art's similar look and feel). What we get is a decent enough, if over-the-top drama. Sure there are vampires and supernatural stuff and what-not, but some of it just seems a little far-fetched/unrealistic for my tastes (for instance a therapist that swears and takes swigs of alcohol in front of his patients of whom he willingly takes appointments from at his rather up-scale home). Still, the film is grounded enough in reality (a lot of similar head-scratching or implausible moments can be blamed on budget constraints) and the film deals with the subject of vampires in a unique enough and un-glamorized fashion. At times the movie even openly references and mocks vampire movies (TWILIGHT included) in a way that seems clever and fresh.

Technically, the film is well put together and boasts great cinematography (even if the vignette effects appears a little overused) and good music score. Performances are somewhat of a mixed bag with some of the more minor actresses coming off as really in-genuine. Most of the leads do OK, but Ray Medved and Michael Fredianelli shine in their interactions together. I see a bright future for newcomer Diesel who excels as Yasha the fortune teller's bright ward.

Overall, APOCRYPHA is a well made indie and a decent enough take on the vampire genre.