Snow Shark: Ancient Snow Beast

I adore B-grade shark movies, but this doesn't even come close to qualifying as B-grade. While not the absolute worst shark movie I have ever seen (that distinction goes to House Shark), it was pretty close.

The film's speed was off - more 'daytime soap' than 'movie', the dialogue was dreadful, and the lead actor's acting was atrocious. Surprisingly, and the acting of some of the support actors was actually passable.

After the first two minutes it was pretty easy to guess... I bet this is one of those where the writer, director, producer, and 'star' are all the same person. Yup. And half the cast are family. The rest are probably friends, girlfriends, or old college roommates.

Making this movie was probably a fun way for a bored group of family and friends to fill in some time, but the same certainly can't be said for watching it. If you really need something to fill in your time, try banging your head against a wall - it will probably be less painful than watching this.

Three biologists studying a strange phenomenon, stumble upon a bloody scene in the snow, unaware that a deadly predator is stalking them.

Now you could easily dismiss this movie after about ten minutes or so, and realise that it is abysmal, woeful in almost every single possible way, and you'd be right, it's an absolute shocker, but let's give them some credit for making a movie, that people are still curious about.

They made it, clearly on a budget of a few dollars, and props from somebody's store cupboard, so I'm at least going to give them credit for that.

The shark scenes are hilarious, you don't really see any shark attacks, just pinky red snow. The reactions to the deaths are amusing, especially the dude who loses his girlfriend, he doesn't seem in the least bit bothered.

I've watched it twice now, both time after a night out, it's awful, it looks as though it was filmed on a 2004 Nokia phone, but it has a certain kind of camp fun about it.

3/10.

Needless to say that I was not harboring a single expectation to this movie. I mean, a movie that is written by, directed by and starring the one and the same person is usually a questionable affair. And with a title such as "Snow Shark: Ancient Snow Beast", there were no doubt that this would be a questionable movie. But still, I opted to watch it, on account of it being a shark movie that I hadn't already seen.

Needless to say that I was not familiar with a single actor or actress on the cast list, and that was actually something that spoke in favor of the movie. The acting performances weren't actually all that shabby for a movie such as this.

The editing in the movie was insanely shoddy, but then again why wouldn't it be? Mark Polonia was involved in the editing, and he is the guy behind a heap of really, really questionable shark movies.

The effects in the movie were not great, but at least they weren't as bad as what you get in the movies written and directed by Mark Polonia. The sounds that the shark was making was just so insanely poor. It was beyond laughable that they opted to make the shark sound that way.

Sure, "Snow Shark: Ancient Snow Beast" was not a great movie, but there are far, far worse shark movies out there, even of a newer date.

My rating of "Snow Shark: Ancient Snow Beast" lands on a three out of ten stars.

12 years ago during a scientific expedition 3 animal biologists stumbled upon a great discovery that ended in tragedy.

Whatever killed them has awoken and now the legend of the Ancient Snow Beast could prove to be more than just a legend.

Well we know from like frame one what killed them cuz we see it.

I', surprised at reviews that say this is the worst movie ever. No way. Is it good? We that's relative. Low budget means it's not gonna be great. But it's really sort of funny and watchable.

And I don't think it's meant to be taken seriously. Plus, I've seen far worse acting in these kinds of movies.

It won't change your life, but it's watchable. And you will get a few laffs throughout.

There's just no end to the goofy possibilities in the "cheap and cheesy monster movie" genre. Here we have a finned predator that burrows through the snowy ground of New York State, popping up time and time again to turn various moron victims into Snow Shark chow. Among those who determine to destroy the beast: a knuckle-headed, macho local (played by writer / director / cinematographer Sam Qualiana), a team including two scientists and a boorish Great White Hunter, and a Sheriff (played by Sam Q.s' father, C.J. Qualiana) who has a personal stake in the mission.

"Snow Shark: Ancient Snow Beast" gives you exactly what you expect from this genre: a silly script with various attempts at clever lines, inane characters & amateurish performances, and utterly laughable special effects. (Still, I give Qualiana credit: he uses a puppet head for the Snow Shark, keeping digital nonsense to a minimum.) The wintry atmosphere does help matters a fair bit. The quality of the pacing is fine - this clocks in at a reasonable 80 minutes. (Although, some people would argue that it's still 80 minutes too long.)

Qualiana Sr. delivers the closest thing that this picture has in terms of a decent performance; he looks very serious throughout. That said, Qualiana Jr. is a hoot as a stereotypical redneck, and Andy Taylor is likewise amusing as the amiable dope who keeps ribbing his female cohort.

Perked up somewhat by its hilarious (if not that original) ending.

One good thing: this viewer did enjoy that closing credits tune, "She's Gonna Eat You Alive".

Producer / unit production manager Gregory Lamberson (director of "Slime City") has an unbilled cameo at around the one hour mark; one of the editors is veteran D.I.Y. filmmaker Mark Polonia.

Five out of 10.