- Johnny Knoxville: How do you feel, Zach?
- Zach Holmes: Dude, my asshole hurts.
- Jason 'Wee Man' Acuña: How does your asshole hurt?
- Johnny Knoxville: I don't wanna hear anything about that.
- Zach Holmes: You asked me how I felt.
- Johnny Knoxville: I know. But why does that hurt?
- Zach Holmes: I don't know! I don't know!
- Jason 'Wee Man' Acuña: I don't know what bit you just did.
- Chris Pontius: If there's one thing that any schoolboy knows, it's hunting big game requires a big gun!
- Steve-O: Do you want to uh, really rub the fish all over my balls?
- Johnny Knoxville: [pauses] I can...
- Eric André: God save the queen!
- [the elephant gun hits Preston]
- Chris Pontius: You got him square in the bojangles!
- Eric André: Right in the ivory!
- Johnny Knoxville: Mmm my goodness, check out the torpedo on that submarine. He's got a broomstick like a banana slug.
- Chris Pontius: Hi Nick Merlino! Bye Nick Merlino! I'm gonna clobber that crustacean! I'm gonna pulverize that prawn! Ey lobster, you lost?
- Chris Pontius: Of course Nick Merlino's going down the hill in a pasta strainer. He's mentally bankrupt.
- Rachel Wolfson: The judges have assessed the results, and it's obvious the clear winner today is diabetes.
- Rachel Wolfson: That was pretty much my first day meeting everyone, and then seeing their dicks and their butt holes, and it felt like family after that.
- Davon Wilson: You've been shot 9 times. That ain't nothing!
- Compston Wilson: I'd rather get shot 9 times again.