Don't Go in the Woods

Several hipster doofus emo guys are in a band and decide to go into the woods and like work on some new music dude. We know they are cool because they have a blind guy and a Asian guy in the band. They are edgy too though because they refuse to be trendy which we see due to the lack of a black guy. Some chicks show up but don't get naked which doesn't lose too many points because none of them are close to hot anyway. After way too much bad singing a killer finally shows up and the boredom is elevated to slightly less boredom.

This movie is horrible. I mean really really bad. It fails on every level. The cast consists of a lot of unattractive young adult emo wanna be musicians who I assume are family or friends or lovers of the director Vincent D'Onofrio. They sing painfully bad songs and they all seem to be trying to imitate Violent Femmes lead singer Gordon Gano. He has a cool angst ridden voice they all just sound screechy and whiny.

It's the type of ridiculous movie that makes you embarrassed for those involved and also makes your eyes hurt. Why do they hurt? Because you are rolling them so often. Mainly at the moronic songs but also at the acting, the barely existence plot, and the lack of suspense or horror.

This is so amateurish in every way you wonder why VD didn't just shelve this pile of crap. It makes me think my sarcastic comment about the cast being VD's lovers is spot on because why would he want to destroy a friend or family members career by having anyone see this stinker? My fond memories of some of D'Onofrio's films and the fact some of the God awful morons finally do get butchered made me give up another pity star for a grand total of 2.

D'Onofrio shouldn't consider quiting his acting gig anytime soon. The cast should resign themselves to be waiters who play around town or go back to school and try to learn a trade.

Not that the concept of a teenage slasher musical is stupid or anything! The acting was awful. The writing was awful. The directing wasn't awful only because there didn't appear to be any. The photography was acceptable in the sense that most of the movie was in focus. So far, this pretty much describes any teenage slasher movie. The real awfulness that sets this one apart is the music. It is indescribable. The songs turn up, for no apparent reason, about every five minutes and they are atrocious. They have lyrics like "I breathe every breath for me!" I'm glad the kid understands the physiology of breathing, but does he have to sing about it? It's hard to comment on the score because the teenagers are absolutely unable to play any musical instrument (except for the blind kid whose electric bass works just fine in the forest, as if by magic)and are even less able to carry a tune. I would think that a random sample of kids off the street would contain at least one who could carry a tune. Not this sample! The casting director had to go out of his way to find kids who couldn't sing a note. Why did I watch? The same reason people are fascinated by train wrecks, I guess. I couldn't look away. It really, really was that awful!

Before I say anything about the movie, I want readers to know that I love horror movies, and the idea of a horror/musical to me sounds like it could be awesome. I thoroughly enjoy horror movies of all kinds, especially the really bad ones that just make you laugh.

Don't Go in the Woods is a total disgrace to horror film. I've seen hundreds of horror films, and I seriously cannot remember the last time I was this irritated by a one. This movie has absolutely no redeeming qualities. From square one you're forced to endure crappy songs over and over and over and over again. Fine, I get the whole "band in the woods trying to get inspired" thing, but it seems like the director for some reason needed every single insignificant "actor" in the film to get a solo song performance, which just makes no sense to me at all. Another thing is that the music gets more and more irritating as the movie goes along. Just when you think you're free from the terrible music, and you might actually get some horror or gore, another cheese-ball "I'm so sad" song that's even worse than the last starts right up again. At some point I couldn't hold myself back from fast forwarding through them, which was about when I realized just how much of this movie is occupied by bad music. Some of the songs are even repeated by different characters in the movie, making them even more frustratingly bad.

It's really beyond me how anyone could positively review this piece of work. Fine if you like the idea of a horror/musical, and fine if you think it's "original", but the aggravatingly repetitive songs, the too-little-too-late killings, the fragmented straw-man plot, the absolute lack of suspense, the terrible acting, and most of all the HORRIBLE score make this movie a 0/10 in my book.

I hardly ever write reviews on here, but if even one person reads this review and decides against watching this movie, then at least I've saved one soul. Movies like this are like land mines waiting to be stepped on so they can reveal just how bad a movie can get.

I URGE readers to just leave this one alone. It's terrible, and NOT the good kind of terrible. It's not funny, or clever, or really anything but obnoxious.

Don't Go in the Woods (2010)

BOMB (out of 4)

Vincent D'Onofrio makes his feature directing debut with this horror film, which is one of the most original in recent years but it's also one of the worst. A band goes into the woods to try and come up with some new songs and before long their girlfriends show up as well. Soon afterwards (in their time, not the viewers) a psycho shows up with a sledge hammer and begins to kill them. This is not a remake of the same titled 1981 slasher but it's too bad it isn't because this film is simply awful. I love watching horror movies and I love watching bad movies but every once in a while I come across a film that just makes me downright angry and this is one of them. The entire movie is simply a waste of time and I'd really love to hear from D'Onofrio on what he was trying to do. Minus the end credits this thing runs 82-minutes and the deaths scenes really don't start until the 65-minute mark. So, what's going on at the start of the film? Band practice. For well over a hour we do nothing but listen to this band sing one song after another. Yes, they're bad songs. Yes, they're annoying songs. Yes they keep coming again and again and again. Is this original? It sure is but who wants something like this? Did the director really think horror fans were going to sit through this music and be entertained? Did he really think having all the violence take place in a ten-minute period would make up for it? This is just a flat out confusing movie because while it's technically well made and most of the performances are good, there's just no point in watching it. The twist at the end doesn't work and isn't nearly as clever as everyone thought it was. I'm guessing that someone came up with this ending and then tried to build a film around it but the result is one of the worst movies in recent years. Technically speaking this movie is better than a lot of the genre films out there now but that doesn't add any entertainment. DON'T GO IN THE WOODS needs to be shot and then taken to the woods and left.

Disastrous.

I only watched this because I was interested to watch what D'Onofrio could come up with.

I wish I hadn't.

Its a horrible movie.