- Nostalgia Critic: Welcome to Bland Shit 101. You ever have one of those pesky ideas that seems unique, original, and charmingly inventive? Don't you just HATE those?
- Damien: Don't rub it, be a man.
- Nostalgia Critic: "Don't rub it, be a man." Yeah, I had that T-shirt growing up too.
- Nostalgia Critic: So Preston is invited to the birthday party of a kid who doesn't like him... I'm not sure how that works.
- Nostalgia Critic: So I guess the moral of our story is bad deeds always go unpunished and money is the root of all happiness. But really, would you expect any other message from the Disney corporation?
- Nostalgia Critic: But wait, don't bland, uninventive comedies need to have mindless montages?
- [cuts to Preston going on a shopping spree]
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh yeah, the movie's stylin' now!
- Nostalgia Critic: So Preston goes to the bank to see if he can deposit just $11 when we're introduced to the hot chick of the movie.
- [Shay walks in and his voice quivers]
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh, my God.
- [a thump is heard below his desk]
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh, and did I mention he's the only one who knows how to operate a computer? Yeah, the two brothers who want to start their own business don't know how to operate a computer. More bullshit, please.
- Nostalgia Critic: That's right, he mistakes the kid for Juice. You see, all adults are freakin' idiots in Bland Shit 101, especially in kids' films.
- Nostalgia Critic: But wait a minute, this movie almost has a creative premise going. Surely there must be some way we can make it more conventional. How about a comic relief limo driver? There we go. And make sure not one word of his dialogue is funny. Ha ha. I love comedy relief that doesn't provide comedy or relief.
- Nostalgia Critic: It's been over two minutes. How about some lame jokes?
- Shay: Is he an entrepreneur?
- Preston: Nope, he's American.
- Nostalgia Critic: Good, good. And since there's clearly no interest in developing our characters, let's end with a prat fall.
- [Preston falls backwards in his chair]
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh ho ho, Blank Check, your quest for cinematic forgetfulness is beyond compare.
- [whispers]
- Nostalgia Critic: Fuck you!
- Nostalgia Critic: Ah! A couple seconds of development and explanation. Isn't there any crappy montages we can cut to?
- [cut to montage of Preston playing with his new "toys"]
- Nostalgia Critic: Here we go. That's right, bring on the needless padding. Continue to film scenes that are only made for the trailer.
- Nostalgia Critic: So, some burglars are trying to break into a place and there's just one lone kid there to defend himself.
- [pretends to think]
- Nostalgia Critic: What's that movie everybody was trying to rip off at that point in time? Oh, Home Alone! And I just so happen to have the Home Alone rip off checklist right here. Let's get markin'. Impractical traps filled by unimaginably stupid villains? Check. Gratuitous shot to the crotch resulting in cartoony sound effect? Check. Unfunny dialogue hoping to be turned into an obnoxious catchphrase?
- Preston: That musta hurt.
- Nostalgia Critic: Check! Oh, will the hi-larious moments ever stop... ripping off other hi-larious moments?
- Nostalgia Critic: Ah gee, this story seems way too simple. Isn't there some way we can make it needlessly complicated? Well, it turns out that attractive banker is not a banker at all; she's an FBI agent trying to find the money that Quigley stole before. That seems totally unneeded and implausible. Way to shitty it up, movie. I almost enjoyed a few seconds there.