The Perfect House

I never once knew what the hell was going on in this movie, but the guy with no eyelids was disgusting.

The name of this movie should have been "Weed Whacker."

An excellent film. This has been made for horror fans by this legendary filmmaker. This film should be seen more often and taught in film schools. I wish I was a fly on the wall to witness the art of crafting such a brilliant thing.

I went down to my local video store and picked this one up. The guy at the desk made me show him my ID before buying this. This is very strange because I've only ever been carded once before at this place (despite buying a bunch of rated R movies). The only other movie I've been carded for was a smut film called Lake Fear 2: The Swamp which ends with a pregnant nude woman being crucified upside down and the fetus is ripped out of her and thrown in a fire. So naturally, I thought I was in for a wild ride on this one. After watching it...I have no idea why I got carded. This movie is way more tame than others I've bought, but that's all besides the point.

Here's a list of notes I took while watching the movie: After watching the opening scene, my friend said "I bet this guy kills that family because the dad threw out the guy's weed wacker." That turns out to be the actual motive.

A couple is in the market for a house. Someone forgot to tell the real estate agent that they aren't shooting a p*rno today.

At one point a brother and sister fight to the death. The girl wins...unrealistic. I appreciate the twist, but this would not be the outcome in real life.

Love the makeup work on the guy who got his eyelids cut off. Every time they show his stupid-wide gaze is hilarious.

It seems the writer of this movie hates women. Seriously, the women are called derogatory and misogynistic terms before getting killed in a brutal fashion. Like for real...where does this writer get off?!

Most directors have a goal in mind when they make their movie, and if the movie does what it should in terms of entertainment, then we call that movie a success.

Unfortunately for this film, the director makes the mistake of trying to disturb you and terrify you with graphic scenes of torture and gore.

Ho hum. It's been done before, and many times even better than this.

Disturbing the viewer is a good goal in a horror flick. But extended scenes about torture and gore bore-me-half-to-death. When I can flip forward through entire scenes and be like, "Ok, so long story short, she dies this way, he dies that way, killer does this, killer does that.." and get the entire story without actually needing to watch it, then we have a very shallow idea on the screen indeed. I can literally skip entire scenes and miss nothing, and the rest of the movie still makes perfect sense. In other words, there is no point to this movie except extended scenes of suffering and gore. You may skip them or watch them at your discretion, but why bother watching them when they really add nothing? It's really just more gratuitous than effective, and if you are the sort of person who actually enjoys watching it then I suggest you get your head checked.

The Perfect House is a 2013 horror anthology film directed by Kris Hulbert (First Timers) & Randy Kent (Ten Cent Hitman, Life, Death and Mini-Golf, Life of Lemon, & Shadow of the Monarch). Newlyweds, Mike (played by: William A. Robertson from The Rising & Black Marigolds) & Marisol (played by: Andrea Vahl from First Timers & Criminal Intention) take a tour of their dream house. The frisky Real Estate Agent (played by: Monique Parent from Vicious Kiss, Mirror, Mirror III, James Dean: Race with Destiny, & Jurassic City) is willing to do anything to sell this house. They find out that their perfect house has a brutal & unsettling past.

The history of this house of horrors is revealed during three different generations of cursed families that suffered through this hell in this unlucky environment. "The Storm" is the story of a dysfunctional family (Kris Smith from Lady Krampus & My Friend Dahmer, Timothy Dugan from FrightWorld & Prisoners of the Dead, Michael Wagner, & Alex Victoria) trying to survive deadly weather outside in their basement for shelter. Unfortunately, the storm is the least of this families worries when it comes to destruction. Hidden secrets & verbal abuse haunt this unit. Sometimes kids can only take so much from their parents.

"Chic-Ken" is a tale of the unknown serial killer & real life monster John Doesy (played by: Jonathan Tiersten from Sleepaway Camp, Return to Sleepaway Camp, Blood Reservoir, & Terror Tales). He can't control his crazy urges as his body count starts to grow. The evil that exists but no one recognizes him for what he really is. One victim (played by: Holly Greene from The Cutting Room) is lasting longer than the others. She's his "muse" & only audience to his unforgettable acts. Can she escape this madness or is she starting to enjoy it too much?

"Dinner Guests" is the final demented warning of this bad location. Mom (played by: Felissa Rose from Sleepaway Camp, Return to Sleepaway Camp, Victor Crowely, Death House, Silent Night, Zombie Night, & Dahmer vs. Gacy) & Dad (played by: John Philbin from The Return of the Living Dead, Children of the Corn, Point Break, & Tombstone) with their kids just made the wrong choice. Never trust a neighbor, always return their garden tools, & eat at home. Sometimes that normal looking guy (played by: Dustin Stevens from R. S. V. P., Keepers of the Light, & Pastor Damien) next door isn't exactly all there. A routine situation such as a meal can turn into a living nightmare. What happens when that mask of sanity slips off & it can end up dangerous when real dark desires are shown behind closed doors.

I am a big fan of horror anthologies & The Perfect House didn't disappoint. The anthology film is a great opportunity to mix sub genres into one production. You get a little bit of everything in this including survival, torture, revenge & the evil house that changes everyone in it's environment. I appreciated that each segment had a different dark angle to provide for it's overall presentation. "Chic-Ken" & "Dinner Guests" were tied for my favorites from this movie. It was good to see a mini reunion for Sleepaway Camp & Return to Sleepaway Camp co-stars despite being in separate stories. Both Felissa Rose & Jonathan Tiersten gave their best performances in The Perfect House. This is a very mean spirited movie, it's full of unlikable characters that you don't care what happens to them. Which is good considering how gruesome & insane this is. Fans of hardcore gore & nasty special effects will be very pleased by The Perfect House!!!!