Crocodile Vengeance

For years, the Hampshire Freshwater Crocodile (Crocodylus hampshirius) was widely hunted for its valuable skin, which was used in the UK fashion industry for high-end accessories such as designer handbags, belts and watch straps. A ban on the trapping and killing of the endangered animal was introduced in 1990 to try and prevent total extinction, but the last reported sighting of the reptile in the wild was in 1992 and, with captive breeding programs proving unsuccessful, it is now believed to have gone the way of the dodo.

All of the above is a load of crock.

There are no crocodiles in Hampshire. Haven't been any since prehistoric times. But that hasn't stopped writer/director Paul W. Franklin from setting his killer croc movie in my home county, where the most dangerous wild animal is a badger (seriously, those things are mean-tempered). Putting facts to one side for the moment, a giant man-eating crocodile on the loose in the South-East of England could have been a lot of trashy fun. But on this occasion, it isn't.

Franklin places his wholly unconvincing CGI crocodile amongst a group of people attending a wedding at the only venue in the whole of England without wi-fi or a landline; this leaves a handful of survivors trapped in the main building with no means of escape. No explanation is ever given for the existence of a large man-eating crocodile in Hampshire (seriously, not even the old 'pet flushed down the toilet' or 'escaped zoo animal' excuse) or for why it has never been sighted. None of the unlikeable characters display any level of intelligence or ability to stay on their feet when chased by the reptile, and the plot is a tired collection of well-worn cliches, predictable to the very end.

Franklin resorts to giving viewers not one but two gratuitous sex scenes, which hit the right trashy notes, but they come early in the film, and everything that follows is tough to endure thanks to the diabolical script, laughable acting (was the guy who played the reverend actually an actor or a relation of Franklin?), and extremely weak special effects.

I just watched 'CROC!', sort of. It was hard to turn off. I wanted to, but my curiosity to see how stupid this movie could get got the best of me. I knew I was in for a treat, when, in the first croc scene, it leapt (yes, leapt) on top of a man... belly first. I had to back it up and watch it again to make sure that's what happened.

This movie was so dumb, honest to God, it wouldn't have surprised me if they showed Crocs opening doors to get to people.

This movie tries SO hard to be serious, which is what makes it so funny.

I'd recommend not to watching, but I don't want to deprive you of a good belly laugh!

Holy cow, this was a really bad movie. Unfortunately it wasn't good-bad. It was just bad. Real bad.

The acting is atrocious -- especailly the red head in the beginning who also does soft core porn on a site called WANKITNOW. Bad.

The special effects might have been good 20 years ago, but today they look unfinished. The croc looks plastic and besides what is he doing in England?

And that brings us to the story -- it's ridiculous. The most unfortunate thing is it's not humorous in the slightest. So by watching it, you lose 90 minute of your life that you will never get back.

Take my word for it, you will want to avoid this movie at all costs.

A wedding is planned, and everyone is gathered. The bride intended to have it streamed for those who cannot attend, and also have it videotaped. At the place, they throw in a bit of unnecessary nudity. The groom sneaks off with one of the bridesmaids to an evening dalliance, which doesn't work out well for her. But there are serious questions that viewers are able to get answered. If no one has cell phone reception, can another in the group receive a call? Can the wedding be live streamed using just a SLR camera? Can anyone run away from danger without falling or tripping? What does it mean when they say to lock the doors and windows? How bad is the movie croc that only has a few moves, and sometimes has blood after the victim on its teeth, and other times no blood after attacking a victim? How bad does a movie croc look when it seems to be simply pasted into the scene, and that not being done very well? After so many are killed, how upset is the bride at her wedding being ruined? There are movies with dumb people. And there are bad movies. This combines the two.

Not for Alligator (1980) or Lake Placid (1999) fans, this one falls in line with all the rest of the sub-par Jagged Edge Productions films. Their creature features are generally skip-it grade fare, and this one is no different. It's too bad really, that creature films were so much better 20-40 years ago. There's opportunity here for some campy exploitation but Jagged Edge still has not evolved to take advantage of these opportunities. For example, the wedding scene could have been a gory-fun ride of seeing folks in nice outfits getting chewed to shreds. Instead, we get a nearly invisible ninja croc that sneaks around to select targets, usually in areas that are wide open. A couple frames of croc beak, screaming, and a blood squirt or two coming from odd directions is disappointing. The final scene (what even was that, a roomba??) was a D-. Could and should be so much better.