- Jerry Cantrell: Did you ever find that guitar?
- Rock Slyde: No.
- Jerry Cantrell: That guitar was worth $15,000.
- Rock Slyde: No guitar is worth $15,000.
- Jerry Cantrell: Well, you definitely weren't worth the U$75.
- Rock Slyde: It was $100.
- Jerry Cantrell: Great. You suck!
- Rock Slyde: You keep making Satan's music.
- Rock Slyde: I'm sorry I like black women. It started off as a phase, really. I was young and found myself watching Soul Train every Saturday morning. It really was the chicken or the egg theory at work. Did I like black women because I watched Soul Train or did I watch Soul Train because I liked black women. All the women were compelling - even the lone ever-present dancing Asian girl. But it was the images of those African queens, shaking what the good lord gave 'em, that I could never get out of my head.
- [first lines]
- Rock Slyde: My name is Rock Slyde, and I blame my mother. With a name like that I was destined for one of two careers. That's detective work, or porn. After starring in two art films, I decided the glamor life of a porn star wasn't for me. Besides, I was hung like a hamster.
- Sara: [coming to] Ugh, what happened.
- Rock Slyde: Somebody jumped you.
- Sara: Wasn't it you?
- Rock Slyde: I was hoping you wouldn't ask that.
- [last lines]
- Rock Slyde: Sara Lee and I went on a little vacation to Hawaii were we figured out apparently that the eBay feedback form and Tuesday supermarket flyers aren't enough to keep two people together.
- [raising repaired coffee mug to his mouth]
- Rock Slyde: Besides, I still like black women.
- [coffee mug handle suddenly breaks off]
- Rock Slyde: Damn, that was hot.
- Rock Slyde: It's impossible for me to love again. My heart is frozen.
- Sara: Maybe I can thaw it for you.
- Rock Slyde: A thousand monkeys operating a thousand microwaves for a thousand years couldn't thaw this icy heart.
- Rock Slyde: I'm a horrible person and have lots of flaws. Look, I'm stupid and dumb, and um, I smell bad like a rancid ape. My mother hates me. I got problems. I pee in the shower, and uh, I still think Pluto's a planet - I don't care what anybody says. I'm a fan of Dan Cooks.
- Rock Slyde: I don't do religion and I don't do politics.
- Bart: What is it you do do, Mr. Slyde?
- Rock Slyde: [thinking] Mmm, he said doo doo.
- [out loud]
- Rock Slyde: Crossword puzzles.
- Bart: Then perhaps you know a 4-letter word for something that frightens you.
- Rock Slyde: I didn't say I was good at 'em, I said I did 'em.