- James Franco: Your mama's pussy was the canvas. Your dad's dick was the paintbrush. Boom. You're the art.
- Jay Baruchel: Thanks, James Franco.
- Jonah Hill: A huge earthquake happens, who do they rescue first? Actors. They'll rescue Clooney, Sandra Bullock, me. If there's room, you guys will come.
- Danny McBride: Hermione just stole all of our shit. And then Jay suggested that we all rape her and now she's gone. I think the only reason why he did that is because Jay knows he's about fucking two minutes away from becoming the house bitch himself.
- Danny McBride: You got white shit all over your mouth, Franco. You probably sucked somebody's dick. Jonah over here probably watched and jerked off.
- Jay Baruchel: I say unto the... the power of Christ compels you!
- Possessed Jonah Hill: Oh, does it? Does it compel me?
- Jay Baruchel: The power of Christ compels you!
- Possessed Jonah Hill: Does it, Jay?
- Jay Baruchel: The power of Christ compels you!
- Possessed Jonah Hill: Is the power of Christ compelling me? Is that what's happening?
- Jay Baruchel: The power of Christ compels you!
- Possessed Jonah Hill: Guess what? It's not that compelling.
- Jay Baruchel: Guys, listen listen. I think we need to address the elephant in the room
- Seth Rogen: Whoa, Jay, don't talk about Craig like that.
- Craig Robinson: That's fucked up. I'm right here man.
- Jay Baruchel: I'm not calling Craig an elephant.
- James Franco: That's racist.
- Danny McBride: Welcome to the twenty-first century, Buck Rogers! You designed a house with fuckin' iPads in the walls, yet, you're jerkin' your dick like a goddamn pilgrim!
- James Franco: That's right man, I like to fuckin' read!
- [Taking inventory of the food and supplies at James Franco's house]
- Seth Rogen: We got 12 bottles of water, 56 beers, two vodkas, four whiskeys, six bottles of wine, tequila, Nutella, cheese, pizza, eggs, bananas, apples, bacon, steaks, pancake mix, C.T. Crunch, milk, ketchup, a Milky Way, half-ounce Sour Diesel, 3 1/2 grams Grand Master Kush, one ounce of 'shrooms, 15 pills of ecstasy, a porno mag, a baseball bat, and the video camera from the movie 27 Hours.
- James Franco: [correcting Seth] '127 Hours'.
- Seth Rogen: Uh, 127 Hours. And a functioning revolver from the movie 'Flyboys'.
- Danny McBride: [from trailer] Seth, that's some of the better acting than I've seen in your last six movies. Where the fuck was that in Green Hornet?
- James Franco: We're actors! We bring joy to people's lives!
- Jay Baruchel: Yeah but we don't do it for free. We get paid handsomely much higher than the average professional.
- Danny McBride: [Rapture light appears] What the fuck?
- James Franco: Go to hell, McBride! Fuck you! Haha. Suck my dick!
- [Rapture light disappears]
- [Rogen and McBride are digging through the floor of Franco's house when Franco storms through the second floor hallway, carrying his prop gun and a porno magazine]
- James Franco: Who did this? Who did this?
- Seth Rogen: Did what? What are you talking about?
- James Franco: Jizzed all over the pages of this nice magazine I was nice enough to tell you about. Was it you, Seth?
- Danny McBride: [Raises hand] It was me, Franco. I fuckin' made jizz in your magazine.
- James Franco: Why?
- Danny McBride: When I fuckin' jack off long enough, I end up jizzin', dude. I'm assuming, the same shit works for you?
- James Franco: Real fuckin' smart answer! Why don't you fuckin' aim, huh?
- Danny McBride: I have a particularly explosive ejaculate. It just goes everywhere. It's like a fuckin' wild fireman's hose - you just got to grab on and pray to God it doesn't get into your eyes or your mouth.
- James Franco: What the fuck kind of jerking off is that? What, you never had any brothers? You never learned to jizz in a fuckin' sock or on a fuckin' tissue?
- Danny McBride: No, I don't have any brothers, I was raised in a house of women!
- James Franco: I highly doubt they fuckin' taught you to fuckin' close your eyes and fuckin' cum wherever the fuck you want!
- Danny McBride: I mean, you're getting all worked up over a fuckin' porno mag! Who has goddamn porno mags anymore? Welcome to the twenty-first century, Buck Rogers! You designed a house with fuckin' iPads in the walls, yet, you're jerkin' your dick like a goddamn pilgrim!
- James Franco: That's right, man. I like to fuckin' read!
- Danny McBride: You think that's the only thing I jerk off on in here? I've been dropping off loads around this fuckin' house like a goddamn dump truck.
- James Franco: You don't cum on my stuff!
- Danny McBride: I'll cum wherever the fuck I want, James! I'll fuckin' cum in your kitchen, I'll cum on your fuckin' art, I'll cum anywhere I want!
- James Franco: I will fuckin' cum right on you! I will cum like a fuckin' madman all over you, McBride!
- Danny McBride: Ooh! I fuckin' wish you'd cum on me right now! I fuckin' dare you to cum on me!
- [Both exchange masturbation gestures at each other]
- Danny McBride: [Grabbing baseball bat between his legs] I'm gonna jack my dick so fuckin' hard in here!
- James Franco: This, no more, man! All over your fuckin' face!
- Danny McBride: All over the fuckin' floor, all over the fuckin' place! I'll fuckin' cum anywhere I want! I'll fuckin' cum on these walls, I'll cum on the fuckin' cabinets, on the fuckin' furniture, I'll cum everywhere!
- James Franco: If I see your dick one more time, I'm gonna fuckin' shoot it off!
- Danny McBride: You don't have enough bullets, bitch!
- James Franco: I got to admit something... I fucked Lindsay Lohan. She was fucked up, she was high. It was at the Chateau Marmont. She kept banging on my door. She kept calling me Jake Gyllenhaal. I said... call me the prince of Persia.
- Jay Baruchel: Can we please go to fucking Carl's Jr.?
- Seth Rogen: Uh, I would love to, but I'm on a... I can't really eat that stuff right now. I'm on a... I'm on this cleanse.
- Jay Baruchel: You're on a what?
- Seth Rogen: I'm on a cleanse.
- Jay Baruchel: [laughs] What?
- Seth Rogen: It's good for you. You're supposed to take six shits a day.
- Jay Baruchel: That's not true, you're supposed to shit twice a day.
- Seth Rogen: No. That's not true. That's what they used to think, now they know you're supposed to shit six times a day.
- Jay Baruchel: So you're not drinking, you're not smoking weed?
- Seth Rogen: Oh, no. I'm drinking, I'm smoking weed. I'm on a cleanse, I'm not psychotic.
- Michael Cera: Hey, does this coke smell funny?
- [blows cocaine into Christopher's face]
- Christopher Mintz-Plasse: Oh, fuck, Michael. I've never done cocaine.
- Michael Cera: Well, you did the best shit possible for your first time.
- Jonah Hill: So what have you guys been doing?
- Seth Rogen: Oh we just hung out all day.
- Jay Baruchel: Ate a bunch of dirty burgers, smoked about a fucking pound of weed, and played a bunch of video games.
- Jonah Hill: Weed is tight, weed is tight. That's awesome.
- Jay Baruchel: It's like the golfing sequence in Navy Seals.
- Jonah Hill: Sick reference though bro.
- Jay Baruchel: Oh thanks bud.
- Jonah Hill: Dude, your references are out of control, everyone knows that.
- Emma Watson: Give me everything you have to drink!
- Seth Rogen: There are six of us! You cannot rob us!
- Emma Watson: I'm NOT fucking around!
- Jonah Hill: [trying to comprehend the previous night] Something, um, not-that-chill happened last night.
- Jonah Hill: Um, can I have that Milky Way?
- James Franco: No, you can't have the Milky Way. That's my Milky Way. I went out this morning and specifically bought this Milky Way to eat after my party.
- Jay Baruchel: That's weird.
- James Franco: It's not weird, it's my special food, I like it. Back me up on that, Seth.
- Seth Rogen: I don't think you should get the whole Milky Way. I want some of the Milky Way.
- Craig Robinson: I'd be pretty bummed if I don't at least get a bite of the Milky Way.
- James Franco: Oh, now Craig wants a bite of the Milky Way.
- Craig Robinson: Yeah, I want a bite of the Milky Way! It's a fucking Milky Way.
- Jay Baruchel: A fifth of everything is what's fair and reasonable.
- Seth Rogen: Everyone gets a fifth of everything.
- James Franco: [to Craig] I want one fifth of your t-shirt!
- Seth Rogen: Just answer me one question: Is Michael Cera's butthole as adorable as I pictured?
- Jay Baruchel: Oh for fucks sake...
- Seth Rogen: I picture it looking like a little donut. A little pink sprinkled donut.
- Seth Rogen: Let's do all the drugs!
- Jay Baruchel: I don't really want to.
- [starts to drink water]
- Seth Rogen: You should of thought of that before you drank a can full of Ecstasy.
- Jay Baruchel: [spits water out] What?
- [an armored RV crashes into James Franco's Toyota Prius, slightly injuring Franco, Seth Rogen, and Jay Baruchel. A bunch of cannibals from the RV pulls all three of them out from the totaled car and starts to attack them]
- Santa Cannibal: [yells] Yo, cut his fuckin' head off!
- [chainsaw revs up; James, Seth, and Jay screams]
- Danny McBride: [on loudspeaker] STOP!
- [Danny McBride, leader of the cannibals, steps out of his RV with a marijuana joint in one hand and a dog's leash in the other]
- Jay Baruchel: Danny?
- Danny McBride: [shocked] What the fuck? You guys are still alive?
- Seth Rogen: Yeah!
- Danny McBride: Holy shit, I didn't expect that.
- [tugging on the leash, a gimp, who reveals to be Channing Tatum, jumps out from the RV]
- Danny McBride: Get...
- [Danny pulls Channing over to him]
- Jay Baruchel: Oh, Jesus.
- Danny McBride: Shit, I can't believe you guys are here. That's fucking crazy, and your timing couldn't be more perfect. It's been a long time since any of us have eaten, and you three gentlemen look delicious.
- Jay Baruchel: [confused] What does that have to do with us?
- James Franco: What the fuck are you talking about?
- Danny McBride: [chuckles] I'm a cannibal, hombre. We're gonna fuckin' eat your ass.
- Seth Rogen: Fuck you, you can't eat us. Fuck that, man!
- Danny McBride: I do whatever the fuck I want, whenever I want. I butt-fucked this dude.
- [Channing drops down doggy-style]
- Danny McBride: See that? I fuckin' slide right in that shit. I do whatever I want. This is my gimp. Channing, introduce yourself.
- Channing Tatum: [takes his mask off] Hey, what's up, guys? Y'all cool?
- James Franco: That's Channing Tatum.
- Seth Rogen: That's Channing Tatum, dude. What the fuck?
- Danny McBride: Channing fucking Tatum. I found him wandering on the freeway. I collected him, made him my bitch
- [Channing rubs Danny's crotch, but Danny shoves his hand away]
- Danny McBride: Get off my dick. I call him Channing "Tate-yum".
- James Franco: Hardcore, man.
- Seth Rogen: Jesus fucking Christ.
- Craig Robinson: You might wanna stay away from saying that.
- Seth Rogen: Jesus fucking Christ? Why? Why can't I say that?
- Craig Robinson: One of the ten commandments. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.
- Seth Rogen: Jesus isn't the name of the Lord. God is the name of the Lord.
- Craig Robinson: Jesus and God is all the same.
- Jay Baruchel: It's a trinity.
- Craig Robinson: The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.
- James Franco: It's like Neapolitan ice cream.
- David Krumholtz: Jay! I can't hold on much longer. You have to reach out and grab me, you hear?
- Jay Baruchel: Okay, uh, you take my hand and I'll swing you up!
- David Krumholtz: You sure? I'm going to give you my whole weight.
- Jay Baruchel: I'm gonna reach for you alright?
- David Krumholtz: Are you sure you can do it?
- Jay Baruchel: I can grab you. On three. One, two, three!
- [They grab hands]
- David Krumholtz: I'm gonna swing across!
- Jay Baruchel: I got you buddy.
- David Krumholtz: You're going to hold my weight, all of it.
- Jay Baruchel: Okay! Come on!
- David Krumholtz: You can hold on to my full weight?
- Jay Baruchel: I can do it!
- David Krumholtz: I don't want to die.
- Jay Baruchel: One, two, three!
- [Jay lets go and David falls to his death]
- Craig Robinson: Hey! Hey, asshole! Hey, come on! Pickle dick, demonic-looking motherfucker. Nobody's scared of you. You ain't a raccoon. Yeah, bring your ass, bitch. Nobody's scared of you. I'm Craig fucking Robinson! Yeah! I hope you like big dick, motherfucker, 'cause, I'm about to fuck you raw. For the last goddamn time! Take your panties off!
- Jonah Hill: [possessed] You will drown in a river of blood. The end of days is here. You will quiver in the shadow of kingdom come. Judgment Day is upon you. The Apocalypse is NIGH!
- Craig Robinson: Dude, Segel's dead, Krumholtz is dead, Michael Cera's dead...
- Danny McBride: I guess if Michael Cera's dead it's not a total loss, huh?