Horror Movie

Okay, it is quite horrible. Yet, despite the overall harsh criticisms found on here, it is nothing at all near being one of the worst movies I have ever seen - in my lifetime, this year, or even this month. Bad? Yes indeedy! But God Awful? Not quite(though perhaps closer than I am letting on to). Steve Howey plays Stan Helsing who works at a video store. Halloween night is here and Stan meets up with two incredibly hot girls and his buddy Kenan Thompson(you figure out which one is unlikely to be in that quartet in reality). Thankfully Kenan is there, because he has a few of the few laughs that are in this film(the others belonging to octogenarian and living legend Leslie Nielsen dressed as a hideous barmaid). It seems Stan is destined to live up to his ancestry and slay monsters - what monsters you may ask? Well, ridiculously and inept looking ones NOT from classic horror but from modern "classics"(I shudder even putting THAT in parentheses!) We get Pleatherface with a leaf blower and a line when he no longer has it, "It looks like no one will get blown tonight." Stop your sides from aching now with laughter. We get Chucky looking like a guy with painted x's and o's on his face. A Pinhead double from Hellraiser. Anf let's no forget the Michael Myers, Jason, and Fweddy doubles as well. All of these look so stupid and like someone from a fifth grade art class got to work on their wardrobe and costumes. There are other horror references and a story that defies logic - and explanation here for lack of need. Really, Stan Helsing is like Epic Movie, Disaster Movie, and Date Movie. It has a few laughs but not enough to even keep this lame crap afloat long at all. The humor is mostly adolescent and sophomoric with at least four references to bathrooms and all that great humor that comes from noises and the other fertile comedic ground that is inherent in feces and urine. Does the movie have any saving graces? Well, Kenan Thompson and good ole Leslie Nielsen are good some of the time. There are a few jokes that land roughly but in place. Then there are the female cast members who for the most part are very, very pleasant to look at like the three gals playing vampire strippers and Diora Baird and Desi Lydic as the two female leads. Neither can really act though Lydic has comedic potential. Baird has some fine assets to keep abreast of nonetheless. If you are looking for clever or witty humor, you must look elsewhere. If you have an IQ near that of a quasi-literate teen - you might think it is totally rad or some such feeling. Phewwww!

Stan Helsing, a video clerk for a certain video chain store, is ready for a Halloween party with three of his closest friends. But before the party, he has been asked to deliver a bag full of movies to the store's manager, who lives in a gated community. What lies beyond the gate: karaoke, monsters and gay porn studios. This is going to be a long night.

Let me be blunt, when you tell me a film is coming from the same people, or the same sort of people who brought us "Scary Movie", "Date Movie", "Disaster Movie" and so on... I'm inclined to believe this is one more film that was a waste of time for the actors, a waste of money to make, and a waste of brain cells for anyone who watches it. Mysteriously, despite this bias, I enjoyed "Stan Helsing".

Sure, the humor is juvenile, revolving almost entirely around hookers, strippers, porn and the same gratuitous sex that we've come to expect since at least "American Pie" (you can say such humor dates back at least to "Porky's", but don't tell me that the new wave of it has any wit behind the smut). Somehow, with my mind turned off and my stomach full of Corby's brand whiskey, I found this film humorous and enjoyable from the first five minutes.

It has some disappointments. The monsters are such a minor part of the plot, sadly, and even Leslie Neilson has a role that isn't as funny as it should be. But such simple jokes as the porn title spoofs got me laughing ("Glad He Ate Her"? Classic) and I don't mind a few gorgeous women on my screen from time to time.

But as I say, if you're looking for a clever monster spoof, it's not here. The monsters sing a karaoke song, but their origins are not explained and they have maybe ten to fifteen minutes of screen time, contrary to what it would appear by the cover. But if you like dumb humor, like "Dude, Where's My Car?", this would be worth your time... especially with a friend and a bottle of Feckin Irish whiskey.

This is a good example of what happens when decent comic actors accept parts in a terrible movie vehicle. They probably need the work, so they do their best even if they can't hide that the movie stinks. For one, Kenan Thompson has a real comic flare, I only hope he gets better films to feature it in. And the other three leads showed comic potential too. I admit there were some genuinely funny moments that made me laugh, like the Karaoke scenes and some of the lines by the blond character (Desi Lydic). Unfortunately what comes between these few funny scenes, and makes up the majority of the film, was terrible. The over all film almost made me forget any of it had made me laugh. The bathroom humor, for instance, was just plain stupid.

And Leslie Neilson, what were you thinking doing this bomb? Hard to believe the same man who starred in classics like 'Forbidden Planet' has resorted to this for a pay check. He was funny in other comedy films, but why do this? My advice is to skip this one.

It is Halloween; this is the time one should be watching Aspettando il Grande Cocomero (1966) or at worst Arsenico e vecchi merletti (1944). But no, you are about to choose "Stan Helsing" (2009).

Stan (Steve Howey) who is out to make a movie gets stranded in a sort of Halloween Twilight Zone. There they are confronted by all the biggest slashers of the time. Makes you want to up-Chucky unless you are a Freddy-defender. It can be mockingly funny.

You will need to be well versed in a plethora of movies to be aware of all the joke references. Some of the movies: Species: The Awakening (2007) Shutter (2008) King Kong (2005) The Notebook (2004) Freddy vs. Jason (2003) The Blair Witch Project (1999) The Sixth Sense (1999) Saving Private Ryan (1998) How Stella Got Her Groove Back (1998) Titanic (1997) Stargate SG-1 (1997) Six Degrees of Separation (1993) Schindler's List (1993) The Hills Have Eyes (1977) The Last House on the Left (1972) The Munsters (1964) The Wolf Man (1941) Frankenstein (1931)

This is one of those movies that can go either way. I think that they tried too hard to be campy. Luckily Leslie Nielsen could pull off his character without breaking a sweat.

You can easily compare this to the greats like Date Movie and Disaster Movie and everything by Aaron Seltzer! Bo Zenga is another addition to the "well it sounded good when we threw it around the idea table" club. Of course how can you expect much when one of his last pictures was the comedic gem Soul Plane. If your one of those people who hate that someone close to you drinks too much get back at them by playing the drinking game to this movie. It's simple the rules are you drink every time something funny actually happens in the film. This film is guaranteed to leave you sober. However i can't guarantee you both won't drink yourself silly to try and forget the movie you just watched.

Bottom Line folks, i wasted an hour and a half of my life so you won't have to.