Anaconda - La nuova stirpe

The first Anaconda was passable, the second was pretty poor but nothing could have prepared me for this! Though the ultra low IMDB rating should have really come to mention it.

I guess was doomed from the start, it has a tiny budget by comparison, it's the third film in an already cheesy scyfy level franchise and the biggest star they could get to carry the movie was the "Hoff".

So yeah, it all looks so very terrible. I could do better sfx than this (And have), the snakes look pitiful and the cast look positively bored throughout.

Though Hasselhoff is better than usual he still can't carry a film and the incredible John Rhys-Davies has a heartbreakingly small role here.

To make matters even worse the plot is generic, the pace is snooze worthy and the whole thing is just seven shades of embarassing.

One more movie to go at time of writing, it can't get worse than this........right?

The Good:

The "Hoff" is better than usual

John Rhys-Davies

The Bad:

Poor cgi

Actually manages to be incredibly boring

The advertised "Stars" are barely in the film

Things I Learnt From This Movie:

Always know the animal before the hunt

Cool girls don't look at explosions either

I knew from the beginning this will be a poor film, but didn't expect so many failures. To such an extent that this is more amusing than the movie itself.

Yes, the CGI is from 60-s, the acting is poor, except for Crystal Allen and Patrick Regis in few moments. But it is so funny to see anacondas move in a straight line - which is impossible for snakes! Or when David Hasselhoff dialled on the phone with all fingers simultaneously! I was sure he is misleading his companions and was surprised the phone call was not fake...

In a summary - if you enjoy to find silly mistakes in films - you're on a right place! But don't expect anything else from that movie.

The original Anaconda was a fun B-movie bolstered by a good cast; Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid was a more than serviceable sequel, despite zero star power; Anacondas 3: Offspring is made-for-TV drivel shot in Romania where movie-making is cheap, and its stars are The Hoff and Gimli. No famous faces would have been preferable.

The risible plot sees sexy blonde herpetologist Amanda Hayes (Crystal Allen) team up with ruthless hunter Hammett (David Hasselhoff) and a team of mercenaries to find and destroy a deadly snake that has escaped from a laboratory owned by terminally ill billionaire Murdoch (John Rhys-Davies), head of Wexel Hall Pharmaceuticals. For reasons too convoluted to go into, the snake is over 60ft long and still growing and has a big spike on the end of its tail with which it impales its prey.

With a terrible supporting cast comprising largely of local Romanian talent, diabolical special effects (the green screened backdrop used whenever someone is driving a vehicle is appalling), ridiculous creature design (in addition to a spiked tail, the snake also has glowing red areas around its head), and a script that rips off both Aliens (the mercs obviously inspired by that film's marines) and Predator (Amanda avoids being attacked when she is covered in mud), the film is barely watchable, its only plus points being some gore (severed limbs, decapitations, impalements) and the fact that Crystal Allen spends much of the time in a tight white vest.

To make things worse, the streaming site I found this on made me watch a music video by a whiny rapper called Pk3y before the film started. Talk about adding insult to injury!

OK, this is such a load of horse poo i give it a minus 1. So bad and cheap and again bad it is actually not even funny. Filmed in east Europe but failing east Europe standards - that says a lot. The entire film budget probably would not last for producing half a bay watch episode. Note the elegant transition because this brings us right to ...

And then there's the thing where this movie has THE HOFF in it, which counts automatically for 3 points. Making a total of 2 points.

I take it all warnings to watch this crap are in vain because YOU MUST HAVE THE HOFF! And right you are.

Trust in THE HOFF, THE HOFF is good.

We went into this movie with incredibly low expectations seeing as we were looking for a bad movie that we could just laugh it. This movie far underachieved even my lowest expectations. The acting was worse then in a porno, there was no beginning or ending, it just went and at the first close up sight of the anaconda rather then feeling a slight chill every single person in the room burst out laughing. Throughout the entire movie I did not know a single characters name, because they didn't bother with character development of any sort. And the highlight of the movie was of course David Hasselhoff, who's mustache would mysteriously appear and reappear from scene to scene. All in all this movie was a masterpiece of terrible, perfect if your looking to mercilessly mock something with a group of close friends.