The Rig

Wow, can someone please give me the directors number as he owes me 2 hours of my life back. Easily the worst movie I've seen of late.

I'm not usually reviewer, nor a movie critic, but if i can save someone from watching this movie then I will have achieved some sort of personal satisfaction for the torture that I received whilst watching it.

The 2 positive things i can take from this movie is that 1)i saw some boobs and 2) it makes some bad movies I've watched now seem semi-bad.

Every facet of this movie is shocking from the script right down to the monster which is is a cross between an inbred raccoon an A-sexual dog on heat.

The acting is only topped in poorness by the dialog, which appears to be the script of a cheesy R-rated porn.

How this movie made it to DVD is beyond me, obviously someone in the cast or crew is sleeping with someone in the know how.

I wouldn't even recommend illegally downloading this movie. do yourself and your braincells a favour and steer clear unless you have a spew bucket and a swear jar handy 0.5/10

During a tropical storm, an assortment of badly written crew characters must deal with the rough weather as well as a mysterious creature who finds itself aboard the rig. Whenever 4 or more writers work on the same movie script, it's usually not a great sign (if said film is an anthology that rule doesn't apply, but this is not the case here) The plot is trite, the characters somehow cliché and bland at the same time, and the film as a whole is not nearly entertaining enough to make the huge detriments ignorable. An extremely dreary mess, avoid it.

My Grade: D-

Eye Candy: Carman Perez gets topless

THE RIG is another nondescript monster-on-the-loose story, made foul by an almost non-existent budget and a distinct lack of imagination. Indeed, the paucity of creative energy is evident in this film's paint-by-numbers script, which tells exactly the same kind of story as has already been done dozens of times before by better directors with bigger budgets.

In this one, the crew of an oil rig find themselves menaced by a monster from the ocean floor, although there aren't many explanations on offer. It all boils down to a man in a rubber suit – or what looks like a child in this case – running around and killing overacting cast members in slapdash ways. Attempts at poverty-row gore effects are pitiful and the acting from the no name cast is even worse, not that it mattered when the characters are so clichéd to begin with. The only actors I recognised were THE BRING remake's Art LaFleur and OUT FOR JUSTICE's William Forsythe, neither or whom can readily be described as stars.

In the end, the things that really bring THE RIG down are the lack of money and the lack of experience on the part of the director. It just looks cheap and cheesy throughout, and not in a good way. There are no surprises, no well-directed scenes of suspense or action, just a mindless mess of watered-down and hackneyed scenarios done before and better.

If you're wondering why, with a summary like that, I can only give it 1 out of 10, let me explain.

If someone can take a script this bad and a cast so poor and still persuade people to hand their money over to it, then, if you're an aspiring movie maker, you should be ecstatic.

It has absolutely everything bad you can think of in a movie: Horrendously poor editing; a completely pointless flashback to a few minutes earlier, in black and white to remind you (if you're a complete idiot) what just happened; dreadful, tinny low budget music to match the low budget set; and a man in a plastic monkey suit grabbing people in a quick blur of camera motion while someone throws fake blood around.

And dialogue that's so poor that if they had managed to hire a cast of decent actors they would have ended up shaking their heads at the inanity of it all.

There are some tits in it. That ought to double the viewing audience.

Give this one a wide berth unless you have the choice of watching this or sticking map pins into your eyeballs.

This movie makes absolutely no sense and was written by people who have absolutely no idea of work safety regulations... people die all the time on that drilling platform and the staff acts like if they simply deserted - there is no emotion, no stress, no documenting what happened, just sex scenes and stupid dialogue.

I understand they had no budget, but that no excuse for lazy writing and pathetic acting. Roger Corman made movies on shoestring budgets but never sank that low.

I'm surprised the director ever found another job.