Black Christmas

I went into Friday the 13th wanting to watch a horror movie I'd never seen before. BIG mistake. This movie was alarmingly, underwhelming. I don't even know where to begin. Frat boys using black magic to prey on women because they're afraid of their masculinity being in jeopardy.

Honestly, anyone who's been waiting months to see this movie like me, don't waste your time going to the theatre to watch this movie. Wait until it's available for streaming or if you really want to see it, try to see it on a cheap night.

I give this feministic, horror film a lowly 3/10.

If you know someone in your life who you hate then buy them a ticket to see this. Then sit back and laugh like Mr Burns knowing they are watching this awful movie.

The original Black Christmas is a cult favorite, if only because of Olivia Hussey and the little well-known anecdote that it inspired John Carpenter to write Halloween. Sadly, since the 70's the "teen slasher" genre has been done to death (no pun intended), and whilst films like You're Next and Happy Death Day attempt to breathe life into a stale formula, we haven't really seen a great slasher film this side of the noughties.

This brings us to 2019 and the latest Black Christmas remake, which desperately wants you to take notice of its existence. It wants you to know that it's sincere, and hip and "cool" because it taps into the feminist movement. The first remake of Black Christmas was torn apart by critics in 2006 for its gratuitous violence and paper-thin female characters. The latest remake, helmed by Sophia Takal (who also contributed to the screenplay) fixes that by giving the female characters empowerment and an agenda. Think Charlies Angels with a bit of When a Stranger Calls and half a dozen fairy lights thrown into a slop bucket and you sort of get the idea. I am all for strong female characters. Laurie Rhodes from the aforementioned Halloween and Ripley from Alien are just two classic examples of empowered female leads in a horror franchise. Both of these characters are constantly one step ahead of the (usually male) antagonist and it reminds us that female characters are not only equal to their counterparts, but they often become a force to be reckoned with.

Black Christmas (2019) spends so much time telling us that the female characters are awesome that it forgets to develop any of their actual character. Most of the female characters might as well be referred to as "Girl 1" and "Girl 2" because their sole reason for being on screen is to be quickly bumped off in festive fashion. In a film that is clearly influenced heavily by the MeToo movement, to have such weak characters is detrimental to the whole saccharine message the film wants to convey.The male characters, most of whom are Fraternity Jocks are presented as either creepy, misogynistic or both. This film wants us to root for the female characters by forcing us to swallow the idea that the male characters are all wicked and degrading jerks. There is even a jolly festive song about sexual assault thrown in for good measure. This all makes no sense when a film about empowerment of the gender resorts to doing the very thing it is supposedly criticizing to get its point across.

Of the film itself, Black Christmas (2019) is decidedly dull. The original was a creepy little penny-dreadful type chiller. The remake was gratuitous fluff but it at least gave gore-hounds something to lap up. This one is both bloodless (physically and metaphorically) and is about as scary as a Christmas candy cane. The script feels like something out of a high school amateur production and most of the cast overact and chew the scenery. To achieve a PG-13 rating the violence was toned down so much that this feels like something off The Haunting Hour. All of the kills are off screen and so much time is spent with long and drawn out conversations between the female leads that even the short running time seems to drag on, and on and on. The film takes itself far too seriously, but then pulls the rug from under our feet right at the end when the "twist" is revealed. I won't spoil what happens, but the supernatural element that they tacked on did not make any sense and just made the whole thing even more ridiculous.

Watch the original. Heck, even go back to the 2006 remake, but skip this turkey.

We live in an age where even remakes get remakes. That is the case with Black Christmas. I liked the original enough for an aged slasher from the 70s. Even the remake, which I re-watched a few years back was mildly entertaining. So I thought, another update while wildly unnecessary, would still be a good watch. Boy, was I wrong. This film is so boring and all around terrible that is very much so the worst movie I've seen in 2019.

The film is about a group of sorority sisters who want to bond over the holidays and also spend time to uncover the men in a local frat who have committed crimes against them. However, it turns out members of the sorority start getting murdered right after receiving texts from someone impersonating the controversial founder of the college that they attend. This film stars Imogen Poots, Cary Elwes, and a bunch of terrible actors no one cares about.

Not only is this film mind numbingly boring for an hour, its overbearing theme of modern feminist and touching on modern women v men issues completely takes away from anything the film wants to build up. It was so off putting, the dialogue ludicrously bad. I feel like this script was written by a high school student who likes to go to parties, and goes on Twitter to glaze over whatever people are outraged about.The acting is no good, although Poots tried her very best. The scares are so predictable, there's no interest in who the killer is because I was so far removed from interested.

You can make a good film that is strong on feminsm without being so on the nose about it! These characters are all so shallow and blend into one another.Also, the plot gets so horrendously bad as it goes along holy cow. People at the cinema were audibly annoyed with the ridiculous writing. This is certainly the worst film I've seen all year and makes it predecessors look like absolute classics. Do yourself a favor, and don't make the mistake of seeing this crap.

2/10

This is the lowest mark I have ever given a film, but it's well deserved. It was poorly written badly acted, and the whole thing was a mess from start to finish. Some films are so bad that they are funny, this couldn't even manage that, made lesbian vampire killers look like a masterpiece