- Colin Diamond: I bet she's never farted in front of you, has she? Has she? No- I thought not. I mean, that's not romantic, is it? You just want the perfume clouds, the romance, the magicalness of it all- the false crap. Well, I've got news for you, Sonny Jim- that's not love. Love's hard work, hard graft. Love can be murder. Love is watching what she wants to watch on the tely, taking her the papers and a cup of tea on a Sunday morning in bed and inquiring to how she might be feeling, "You all right, Liz?" whilst plumping up her pillows. And she might get irritated by that, but you gotta take it on the chin and broad shoulders, because she's the queen, and you're the bee- the Dad. And so what if you cook the dinner and you get no thanks for it? Don't do it if you expect thanks. That's not why you do it. And yes, you forgot the dripping tap for ten years, and then one day- for whatever reason, fuck knows why- you get off your fat ass and you find yourself under the sink with a spanner in your hand and you're smiling like fuck- because you know it's gonna please her. And if she don't notice it, she don't notice it- it don't matter. It's fixed. It's plumbed. It's the maintenance of a marriage, the nuts and bolts, the nitty gritty, the reality- that's life, that's love, it ain't easy- nobody ever said it was gonna be easy. It's fucking hard work. But, you know, love can be... lovely. One day, you'll be in the bathroom, having a shave in front of the mirror, all soap on your face, and you feel her approaching you. She's hung a pair of tights, hanging on the radiator. And as she leaves, she pats you on the bum and gives you a tiny smile- almost not a smile- but a smile nevertheless. And it will mean the world to you- the whole. incredible world- the fucking universe.
- Liz: It's not like that Colin. I don't feel the same as you, I just want to get out.
- Colin Diamond: Well fuck off then. Go on, get. Fuck off. I'll be alright. Selfish bastard. I ain't gonna stop you. I'll tell you. You fuck off, you horrible cunt. You traitor. I hate you.
- Liz: Not if you're going to start calling me names.
- Colin Diamond: Don't you... a nasty, unfaithful cow who sucked another man's bellend, tell me, fucking tell me, that I'm calling you names. Who is he?
- Liz: Does it matter?
- Colin Diamond: Who is he? Tell me the cunt's name, I want to know.
- Liz: He's just a guy.
- Colin Diamond: Oh just a guy. Not a bloke, not just a bloke. He's a guy. He's a cunt. I'll cut his cock off when I find him.
- Liz: Stop it, Colin!
- Colin Diamond: No that's right, stick up for the cunt. 'Cos you're on his side. Side of the guy. Well let me tell you something Liz, and mark my fucking words, I will tear the flesh off his face with my teeth and stick it in your fucking handbag.
- Liz: Right that's it, I'm going. We'll talk later.
- Old Man Peanut: Poof?
- Mal: He's thinking of Farrady. He's been dead for years.
- Meredith: Farraday. He was alright. He was a gentle giant.
- Mal: He was only 5'4''
- Meredith: I fucked him back in the 80's. I'm telling you, he was a gentle giant.
- Mal: Did you? I didn't know that.
- Old Man Peanut: We do now.
- Meredith: He was a very shy man. I liked him.
- Old Man Peanut: No, it's not that cunt I'm thinking of. It was that other cunt. Cunt with the ears. Pen and inked something terrible.
- Mal: That's Dougie Clark. The Human Stinkbomb.
- Old Man Peanut: I've got a bone to pick with that cunt.
- Mal: You can't get close enough though, can you?
- Archie: Are you hearing this? What you've done? What you're responsible for? Are you proud of yourself? Was it worth it? All this pain.
- Mal: Fucked his wife. Fucked his fucking wife. You fucking wife-fucker, you. You fucked his fucking wife, you wife-fucking cunt. Another man's wife. Are you stupid, are you fucking thick, you cunt? Fuck another man's wife? You don't do that. It ends in this. This. This is where it ends. You listening, you hearing me? Shitter? Little shitter?
- Archie: You should have got your own fucking wife to fuck!
- Mal: You're in deep shit mate. You're in the worst possible place a man could find himself.
- Colin Diamond: I want you dead. I think you owe me that. I do. Because that's what you've done to me. You've fucking killed me.