Snakes on a Train

Let's get one thing straight, this gets an 7 out of 10 not on a normal scale, but out of the bad movie scale. this is the kind of movie you rent on purpose, where you intentionally walk in knowing that it is a horrendous knockoff and shun'd by everyone else.

I went in with one promise from the movie, that there will be snakes on a train, and it Delivers!

The gore itself is really good, and the characters have awesome roles. Come on, it has everything from stoned train pilots to teenage girls trafficking drugs, even a Electrical Engineer getting his pimp on! You get to see some topless nudity, explosions, snakes, gore, and a Mexican main lead running around curing his girlfriend by hitting his crack pipe and blowing the smoke in her face!! As I mentioned and many others have, the movie pacing is a bit off, but respectable nonetheless.

Movies like this keep our group tradition of banding together and all chipping in a buck or two to watch masterpieces such as this. There can be no better time spent then coming together to enjoy a good bad movie.

It could learn a thing or two from the likes of other such fine flicks as Alien Lock-down or Boa vs Python, but those are some big shoes to fill.

A solid 7 out of 10.

What the hell was this. If this was made in the seventies it could have been one of those drive-inn classics but nowadays it's just a bad cheesy flick. Well, if you like cheesy flicks then you will love this or if you used to see Mega Piranha and stuff like that than you will love it. If you think you will have a gory flick then forget it. It's all about some chica being cursed by her family because she doesn't want to marry the man she was offered. Running away to get help in Los Angeles they get aboard a train. From there on it's one way track to the cheesy end. Before that you will have some stupid conversations to fill the film. You have some green vomit (no not pea soup) coming out of mouths mixed with snakes. Those are real snakes so up to that part everything is still okay. The go into human flesh which looks nasty. Naturally there is some gratuitous nudity again just to keep you watching but it's the end that makes it look cheesy. The possessed girl somehow put the vomited snakes back in her mouth and becomes a snake. What we have then is so over the top that you must have seen it to believe it. Not for everybody and not for me but men, who invents those kind of stories, please come forward.

Under a powerful Mayan curse, snakes are hatched inside a young woman, slowly devouring her from within. Her only chance for survival is a powerful shaman who lives across the border. With only hours to live, she jumps on a train headed for Los Angeles.

Could this be one of The Asylum's worst films and yet one its biggest money-makers? I think so. While most of their films are bad, this one seems to be among the worst. And yet, it is possibly the most noteworthy ripoff they had. I can see hundreds and thousands of people renting this... (though I am not exactly sure how rental money gets back to creators).

Others have complained about dangling subplots, such as the drug smuggling and Middle Eastern man. Really? If anything, give them credit for trying to have more complex characters... even if they failed.

So I was energized during my Snakes on a Plane weekend, after the movie we craved some more. Why not Snakes on A Train? How bad could it possibly be, its snakes probably killing people on trains. The snakes were supposed to be rattlers. First off me and my buddies thought the snakes were harmless garden snakes and pet snakes with the same cheesy rattling sound clip. We actually sat through the entire thing completely ready to turn it off (we're too lazy to walk over and hit eject). Next thing we knew we don't know what the heck was going on but something amazingly funny happens at the end. It's one of those endings that you'll rewind a few times just to squeeze the laughs out, because you suffered for so long.

Last 10 min a "8", rest of the movie a 2.

I happened to come across this movie by sheer blind luck, and of course this is a produced by The Asylum, who else would blatantly cash in on another movie with a similar plot, name and concept? After all, that is the trademark of The Asylum, is it not?

"Snakes on a Train" is, no surprise here, a low budget cash in and rip off on the other just slightly better movie "Snakes on a Plane", also from 2006. You know, the movie with Samuel L. Jackson. However, "Snakes on a Train" takes places on a train - doh!

The story is about two border jumpers from Mexico who are trying to get to Los Angeles in order to find a remedy for the ancient curse that is afflicting the woman border jumper. She is spewing out snakes, and these snakes turn rampart on the train, spreading havoc and mayhem.

I will say that the storyline, with its subplots and attempts to incorporate various themes, failed ultimately more horrible than the fail in "Snakes on a Plane". The story in The Asylum's "Snakes on a Train" was just all the more laughable and badly executed. And it didn't really help the movie along in any sense that the characters were as hollow and wooden as the acting skills of those attempting to portray them.

"Snakes on a Train" is bad through and through. And not for a single moment did I believe that the movie was actually taking place on a locomotive train. Not even once did you get to look outside the windows in the train to see the passing by landscape and scenery. All windows were, oddly enough, semi-glossy and non-transparent.

This movie is one to stay clear off, and it was a test of will to sit through this and keep watching it. I must admit that I eventually gave up and didn't finish the movie, because it was just that awful.