- Jill Sadelstein: [after breaking his Oscar] Oh, my God! I'm so sorry! I am sure you have others, though.
- Al Pacino: Uh, you'd think it, but, uh, oddly enough, I don't.
- Jill Sadelstein: Oh, please! Tell me you don't feel this.
- [slaps herself]
- Jack Sadelstein: I didn't feel it. Maybe if you did it harder.
- [slaps harder]
- Jack Sadelstein: Little harder.
- [slaps a little more harder]
- Erin Sadelstein: No, Jill, stop it. He's kidding
- Jill Sadelstein: What?
- [Gary punches her, knocks her out of the chair]
- Otto: Donkey fight!
- Erin Sadelstein: Jill, are you okay?.
- Jill Sadelstein: Yeah, no, I'm fine. Gary, that was... He didn't 100% percent connect.
- Gary Sadelstein: Feel that, Daddy?
- Jack Sadelstein: I... I actually did feel something, there. Pride in my son.
- [Asking Al Pacino]
- Johnny Depp: What do you think people are thinking, that I am sitting with my rabbi?
- Jack Sadelstein: I can't believe this. This is insane, man! You gotta call him!
- Jill Sadelstein: Oh, cool your buns. You know I'm still hurting the whole Funbucket fiasco.
- Jack Sadelstein: No, but Pacino liked you! I swear to God, he really liked you!
- Jill Sadelstein: Oh, will you stop already? You know all he wants to do is play Twister with your sister.
- Jack Sadelstein: [his "apology" to Jill] ... I'm sorry that you hurt Otto's feelings, and probably scarred him for life; and that he'll probably never eat with us again because of it. I'm also sorry that if there's a way to offend, irritate, or embarrass other people, you find it... And that, if there's more than one way, you find them all. I really am sorry about all of those things.
- Jill Sadelstein: Why are you so afraid to admit that we are connected? Face it. We shared Mom's womb. We were womb-mates.
- Jack Sadelstein: Oh, that is just disgusting.
- Jack Sadelstein: [after Jill's disastrous date that he's responsible for] I am such an idiot!
- Erin Sadelstein: You're an idiot? Jack, what did you do?
- Gary Sadelstein: Busted! Disgusted! Never to be trusted!
- Jack Sadelstein: Did I ever tell you Todd is an atheist?
- Jill Sadelstein: A WHAT?
- Todd: Oh, God.
- Jack Sadelstein: Have a great time, guys.
- Jill Sadelstein: No! How could there be a Grand Canyon if God didn't exist?
- Todd: Right. That's a very good point. I'm just saying, you know, maybe...
- Jill Sadelstein: Maybe God wouldn't have given you a rat face if you believed in him.
- Todd: I don't have a rat face.
- Jill Sadelstein: Yes, you do have a rat face! It's scary.
- John McEnroe: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. This guy doesn't believe in God?
- Jill Sadelstein: No!
- Todd: No, no, I'm just saying that there's not real proof.
- John McEnroe: IDIOTS like you really make me MAD!
- Michael Irvin: Fight! Fight!
- Jill Sadelstein: [DELETED SCENE: Jill returns home to the Bronx, only to find that her late mother's house has been taken away by the bank, which leaves Jill homeless. She calls 911 from a pay-phone, and is re-directed to...] ... What bills? I didn't see any bills, only a bunch of junk mail from those people who kept asking for money; what were their names again...? DMV? Edison General Electric? AT&T...? What? *You're* AT&T? Then maybe you can tell me why neither of my toilets work, why there's no running water and no heat, and why... What do you mean, YOU'RE CUTTING ME OFF? Of all the... Hello? *Hey!* Well, then, that's the last call you're going to get from me!
- [She slams the phone down]
- Italian Cruise Ship Director: [DELETED SCENE: The cruise line has dropped the entire Sadelstein family off at the nearest port, over the bedlam caused by Jill and her pet cockatoo Poopsie] ... Now, be gone. The rest of you have given us no trouble. Still, if either of THEM
- [indicates Poopsie and Jill]
- Italian Cruise Ship Director: comes onboard ever again, *you* will hear from our attorneys... all *86* of them.
- [Jack nods compliantly, much to Erin's chagrin]
- Erin Sadelstein: Jack! You're not actually...!
- Jack Sadelstein: We all are. Or do you know that many lawyers in Los Angeles?
- Erin Sadelstein: Of course not, but what's that got to do with...?
- Jack Sadelstein: Neither do I. So that settles it. We're getting off. Right where they say we are.