- Gumby: [breaking up a passionate kiss between Donnie and Marie Osmond] Hey, cut it out! Is this how you kids go Hawaiian? Give me a Break here!
- Saturday Night News Anchor: [interrupting Mary Gross' rant against Christmas] Mary, Mary! Did you ever think that your name is half of Merry Christmas?
- Mary Gross: Oh yeah, and half of my name is Gross, so have a gross Christmas, that's what I say!
- Eddie Murphy: If you've been an avid watcher of Saturday Night Live over the years, You've probably at one time or another, you know, like, finished watching a show and said "Wow, the musical guest really sucked!" But eh, we made up for that tonight by getting someone that's not only a great performer, but a musical genius. Lets hear it for Mr. Lionel Richie!
- Dr. Jack Badofsky: If hearing one more cute Christmas song will drive you crazy, you may need a Fa-La-La-Lobotomy.
- Steve Martin: I called three girls up tonight. None of 'em would go out with. You know why? 'Cause I hadn't hosted in two years!